Archive for December, 2011


Alcoholism

I am an alcoholic and am 27 years old, I was going to AA but find it not to help much, I’ve been focusing on business, family and faith more lately and find this a more affective approach. Anyone have any other ideas how to cope?

-J

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Everyone deals with addiction differently. AA meetings are meant to provide a support group for others who can relate to your troubles. Did you not find a sponsor? A good support system is key but at the end of the day it’s up to you to stay focused on the ultimate goal. Keeping yourself distracted by positive things is great. If you start to feel weak go to a support group or a close friend/family member. Good luck!

Nervous Jitters

I really like this girl and I am pretty sure that she likes me. She always gets nervous whenever I sit beside her. It’s like she can’t concentrate anymore, she starts to fix herself up(lip gloss, shirt, etc), she keeps looking at me when I am working, she adjusts herself, and she keeps clearing her throat. Whenever we walk by in the hallways and we catch each other looking at one another I always look away at the floor and I notice that she does the same sometimes, while other times she will stay staring at me. I have never felt this way towards a girl in my life. It’s like we are on the same wavelength whenever we do stare at each other and it feels like it is just the two of us, and I feel at peace. I have never had these problems with a girl before, so I don’t know what to do.

I am always helping my friends with their girl problems and such, so I thought I would not have problems talking to other girls. With her it is completely different. When I sit beside her I feel like my heart is trying to make a run for it. It starts beating so fast and so hard that I actually hear the heart beat, and she keeps looking at me and playing with her hair, and she does not do this to any other guys. Please help. How in the world do I get the guts to talk to her.

-U.

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Dear U,

Ah, welcome to love at first sight with a serious touch of chemistry. First off, remember that she is a person just as much as you are, and quite obviously feeling just as anxious. So, I would start with something small, have you ever overheard her talking about a topic that you are familiar with or feel comfortable discussing, ie pets, movies, weather, etc? This is a nice way of striking up a very general conversation with her initially. And the reason you were able to give advice to others and can’t in this situation is because you are personally involved and your emotions are being affected. Isn’t it fun?!  If you would like too instead or after you’ve spoken with her  a few times,  you can always just ask her out for coffee to go over work stuff. This way it gets you out of the work setting and in a more relaxed atmosphere. And once you are there ask her about herself, get to know her on a personal level. I don’t mean the 3rd degree but just what she likes, where is she from, what she wants to do/go with her life. In the end the worst that could happen is she could say no to your offer.  But I don’t think she will =)

Ex Problems

Okay. My ex decided that we should walk away from each other and we’d both be better off without each other. I had trust issues from the last relationship, I know it’s unnacceptable ect. but I’ve learned my lesson the hard way.

We kept talking afterwards as neither of us wanted this. Some guy kept appearing all over her facebook as soon as we broke up, and she was calling him things like ‘husband’. Anyway my issues came again and accused her of cheating. This really flipped her off. Again, this is where I learned my lesson. Told me not to call or text again.

A week later she texts me see as she knew I was at the same gig. Kept telling me to come and see her, so I did. Said Hi and that was it, I didn’t want to make a scene.

She unfriended me on facebook but later sent a text saying ‘sorry, I can’t move on if you’re on my facebook’

I tried the whole I love you, miss you, wanna carry on thing but all she said was ‘I don’t think we could ever go back to the way we were at the start’ so I’ve shut down now.

She’s been talking about giving stuff back to each other since the start of the break up. I told her we need to do it, as I feel I can’t move on until it’s done, baggage etc.

Everytime we organise to give things back she always has an excuse why she can’t. It’s really annoying me now and I’m begininng to hate her for it. I just want to get it done with so I don’t have to text her or call her again!

Yesterday was the 8th excuse. I told her I can drop it off while she’s at work or something but she doesn’t want to do it that way.

I also told her to forget about my stuff at one point, lets just move on. She sent a text back saying I’m childish, pathetic and immature. Later she went on about how much she wants a certain dvd back. Surely she is the pathetic one there? Also these texts aren’t really conversations anymore, just about when each other is free, about 3 or 4 every 2 or 3 days.

The relationship is over and done with, she’s made that clear by telling me it’s over. What can I do to give things back? And don’t just say block communication. I’m a decent guy and if she wants her stuff back she can have it, unless she tells me otherwise.

Thanks for your answer :) I’m pretty messed up with having to contact each other with this, I don’t want to say anything wrong. Just looking for advice on how to do this, obviously I still have feelings for her.

J

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Hello J,

First and foremost, we all have some form of baggage and there are a lot of people in this world that have trust issues. So no need to apologize for being this way, instead look at this as a life lesson, spend some time reflecting how it fell apart and what you personally could have done better. This way for the next person you will have a better understanding of yourself and will know how to apply this lesson to real life experience. Also, be patient with yourself love can be hard to get over sometimes!

As for the items, is there anything that she has at this point that cannot be replaced? And/or holds no personal/sentimental value to you other than related to your relationship? If not wipe your hands clean and tell her she can keep everything. If there is something that means a lot to you because a good friend or a family member gave it to you then she should definitely give it back.  If she wants the dvd leave it on her front door step.  It isn’t fair to drag this out for either one of you. It’s time to move on and wipe the slate clean!

If women love chivalry so much how come they don’t really appreciate guys who are that way?I seriously can’t think of one time a woman didn’t take chivalry for granted with no “thanks” at all or tell me it’s dead or just use me. They just expect it.
-U.
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Don’t change your methods just because you haven’t yet been appreciated. Chivalry is a dying art form in my opinion. It’s an honor to women and what they symbolize to the universe. You never know what you have until it is gone so the saying goes, so keep it up and it will mean more. Also, there may be a chance that you are looking to the wrong women to expect them to appreciate your efforts. Continue to be yourself and be respectful someone at some point will appreciate you for you. And thank you =) for being chivalrous.

I’m a very sick wife/mother that wants to choose a new wife/mother for my husband before I die, is that right?

-C

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I think as a wife and partner for life you would want the very best for those that you love with or without you. However, I think that you should enjoy the time that you do have with him now. He is probably trying very hard to hold on to every moment that he has left with you. So I wouldn’t recommend discussing this with him while you are still alive. Instead do all the things that you both wanted to do together but didn’t get the chance to before you pass.  If you have a living will, write a letter that can be presented to him from your attorney. In the note assure him how much he means to you, that you will always be there for him even if it’s not in the flesh, and that you want the very best for him. And when he is ready to find love that you respect it and want him to continue to live his life and be happy. Love has no bounds and does not judge. I think it’s admirable that you are looking at this with understanding, compassion and honest realistic love. Bless you.

Overly Thoughtful Mother-in-Law

My mother in law has decided that she will be bringing my wedding dress for me from abroad. She asked if there is anything I like then I can tell her but frankly speaking I’d like to pick my own dress. It is my wedding and I am only going to get married once. I really appreciate her effort but she even brought my engagement dress for me which a) I didn’t like b) it was too big c) it didn’t suit me. I wore it to make her happy but I really would like to pick my own dress but I dont want to make her upset at the same time. Thanks for all the help.

-N 

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Hello N,

Relationships can be very difficult during the months leading up to wedding bliss. Emotions tend to run high and most lose sight of the ultimate goal.  I would recommend you buying a thoughtful gift or a nice thank you card for your mother in laws efforts. She wants to be a part of the event just as much as you do. Does she have any daughters? If not then she is probably thrilled to have a daughter in law that can help find the perfect dress. If she does have daughters, are they married yet? She is excited and willing to help with your special day so recognize her efforts. I do not believe her intention is to make you unhappy nor improperly dress you. Instead take her out to lunch (if feasible, if not send her a nice hand written note) and gently tell her that you really appreciate her thoughtfulness but instead you rather make dress shopping a fun event for her and your family and friends. Tell her that you have been dreaming for this day to come since you were a little girl and you couldn’t imagine sharing the special moment without her presence. This way she is included in the event but at the same time you don’t end up with a cheap replica from overseas. I am sure you will make a beautiful bride just remember to be gracious of those that are willing to help, even if it might not be to your taste.  Congrats and enjoy the ride!

My best friend and I set up an events planning business a while ago. We have only had one small job which for someone else. About 3 weeks ago, I got a text from her saying exactly this “Hey Babe!! We have got a definite job with a £50,000 budget!!! Start working x”. When I saw her she explained that her boyfriend (who is a multi-millionaire) has hired us to do a New Year’s party for him, and that he wants to invite 70+ people and that we can invite 20+ people to help launch us business. So, we got together a brief and presented it to him and he chose a theme.

A week later she starts moaning that they have had a fight and that he says he wants nothing to do with the organising of it. Then he says when they’re drunk “I don’t know if I want to invite anyone”. Now she’s saying let’s just make it our launch party and bugger him. A) If I was organising it for him I would have been charging a standard 10% fee (which I can’t charge if it’s our launch party, I can’t pay myself for our own launch), B) I don’t want to take favors from this man, especially a £50,000 favor C) I don’t have time to organise things I’m not getting paid for, and even if it was our launch party I don’t know the “right people” to invite. Not only that but my business partner is now saying that she never said it was her boyfriend’s party and that it was always our launch party. Not only that but she wants to move the date to after New Years.

I have a family, I am currently renting a house that in a year I’m going to have to move out of and I don’t know where the hell we’re going to live. I desperately need to make money. She (although I love her) does not work and her boyfriend pays for everything. I set this business up, and was actually hoping that if we did a good job for her boyfriend then he might higher us to do his corporate gigs for the year, but if we can’t even stick to a deadline then we’re not going anywhere. I’m really angry and I don’t know what to do. I know this is a big drama, but what would you do?

-Need Help!

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Hello Needs Help,

Well it sounds like you are in the middle of a highly valuable business lesson. First, it is not always wise nor easy to plan an event for family and friends because of the emotional attachments which you are experiencing now.  When it comes to any business transaction regardless of whom it is with you should always collect a deposit and have proper documents drawn up. It covers you and the person(s) of any wrong doing or legal implications. In the future you should create a disclosure that states a 50% deposit is due in order to reserve your time for the date. If the event is cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances “X”% will be returned/ or the full amount of the deposit will be returned. The amount should be dependent upon how much work and time has already been spent organizing the event. You own the business but in reality you are working for your business so you must pay yourself a fair amount. Is the business in both of your names? If so, maybe you should sit down and ask her what she really wants out of the business and how much time and effort she is willing to commit. If she is lackadaisical about the answer it’s time to remove her from the business. You have a family to raise and ultimately need to take care of them and yourself first. If she is a good friend she will understand the reason you are making these decisions.

As for the event that is supposedly now your launch party. You should treat this like any business transaction- you have to put money in in order to expect money to come back out. Remove yourself emotionally from this, sit down with the best friend and the boy friend and say, if you would like this event to completed I will need a date and x amount for a deposit. If they are interested then great, have them sign the dotted line, if not you know that you wasting your time for this event. You might even want to consider speaking with the boy friend and explaining that you want this business to be handled in a professional manner. And if possible you would like to plan his next event for completely free to prove that you are capable and willing to prove your business is sound. Be sure to include the contention, “ if you are not completely satisfied with the end result my time and efforts will be at no cost to you, if you are satisfied can you guarantee that you will book “x” amount of events in the next year with my company?” Business is nothing but talking and bartering of services, and remember ALWAYS get it in writing and get a portion of the money up front. When people are financially and legally involved in something they are less likely to bail.

Don’t put all your eggs into one basket and hope that the boy friend will come through. Instead, begin focusing on functions that will make your business money. Corporate functions as well as weddings are generally the highest paid but also the most competitive events to book. So choose one that you feel more comfortable starting with and go from there. If you really want to get your business going you might have to do a couple for free or a lot less just to get your name out there. I would suggest creating business cards/flyers that have your contact information and maybe a “special” discount and then send them out. You can go to your local book stores and put them in all of the wedding magazines, or if you want to focus on corporate gigs, grab a phone book and start calling. You can always ask “Do you have an event coordinator/planner on site?” If they answer no then you can ask if you can meet with HR, Marketing (Trade Show/ Events), or someone who could be able to assist you. Keep in mind you will probably receive a lot of “no’s” to start off but if you remain persistent it only takes a few to build your portfolio.  It’s your business so put some time and major energy into it and you should see results. Good luck!

An Angry Sleep Deprived Wife

I am a night owl and enjoy the alone time I have when everyone has gone to bed. I use the time to watch TV, play video games or just browse the internet. I usually get tired and go te bed around 12:30 or 1am, but sometimes am up until 2am.

My wife is a light sleeper and goes to bed early, usually around 9 -10 pm.

Many nights, she is woken up when I come to bed and gets very angry. At times, she gets out of bed and complains that it takes her hours to get back to sleep. She will even, occasionally, get up and turn all the lights and radio on, keeping me up until 3am or later, in her anger.

We have talked about this, and she has explained that I’m robbing her of her sleep. Despite my efforts, I still do not get sleeper until later. If I try to go to bed when she goes, I toss and turn and have to get back up. My mind wanders and I still stay up for hours. I’ve even tried taking medication to help me sleep, which rarely helps.

I can’t understand why she doesn’t just turn over and go back to sleep when I come to bed. I keep the house quiet, am careful to be quite when I come to bed. I try hard to not wake her. Am I just being stubborn and insensitive? Is this a serious issue? Can I please have some advice from others with similar issues and how they have been able to resolve them?

-Night Owl

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Dear Night Owl,

I understand this completely because I am one myself! I don’t think you are being stubborn nor completely insensitive. I just think that maybe you need a different perspective. Some people need more or less sleep than others to function. It sounds like your wife is one that needs uninterrupted sleep. On average, people cycle through multiple levels of REM within a 90 minute period several times throughout the night. The average time varies from person to person. I have a feeling it takes your wife a little longer. You know the saying “I woke up on the wrong side of the bed” in reality it should be “I woke up in the middle of my sleep cycle.” This is very disruptive and leaves most people in an agitated state for the remainder of the day. The point of sleep is to “recharge” your batteries. You are allowing your body to rest and rebuild white blood cells that help fight infections/diseases. Good sleep is important to your health physically and mentally.

So what I would suggest are a few things. Are you both comfortable enough in your marriage to sleep in separates room on the nights that your wife needs to get ample sleep? I don’t view this as a negative thing but more so respectful of one’s space and health. In reality I think people in the 40’s and 50’s were on to something! (My husband and I have different sleep styles. He lays still and I toss and turn and like to stretch out. Add two small pups and you end up like a mummy, husband on one side pups on the other-it doesn’t leave much room to move about!)  If you first propose this idea to her out of respect she might appreciate the effort. Also, you can consider investing in a Tempur-pedic bed. They can help tremendously with motion transfer. Do you have to stay up so late? If not, you can try waking up earlier in the morning that way you carve off the hours sooner than later and match her sleep cycle. Another thought, instead of over stimulating your mind on the computer/TV is do something relaxing an hour or so before you intend to go to sleep. Reading a book, sipping some chamomile tea, and/or writing out all your thoughts and worries in a journal. Doing all of these things helps your mind wind down after a long and busy day. I hope this helps and good luck!

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