I’ve been denying this for awhile now. Im too ashamed and embarrassed to tell my therapist – I do trust her but I’m very embarrassed to let anyone else know.
I recently left someone that abused me emotionally mentally and physically. Around five months ago, he took advantage of me. He forced himself in me while I was slightly under the influence. I thought I could feel safe with him, I stayed at his place and took the couch but he forced himself on me. I didn’t want it at all and the next day I confronted him and he denied it and said I wanted it that I enjoyed it. Deep down I knew what he did and I was terrified to do anything about it. I secretly hate myself and am slightly angry at myself for letting it happen. I used wishful thinking to subside what really happened, for awhile it worked but as the relationship continued his true colors showed. He became controlling, jealous, manipulative. I got so fed up I left him, this week will be the second week of not being with him. I’m really trying to turn myself around. After I left it felt good I felt better and for a whole i felt confident, I began taking steps to achieve my self esteem and confidence back..went out with friends you name it. He recently contacted me and since than I’ve been also getting reoccurring nightmares with him being the theme. One nightmare where I keep running and he manages to find me, lock me up, rape me, promise not to leave him etc. And ask me to listen to his apologies and I end up escaping but it repeats itself. Another nightmare where he is in my house – I keep locking my door and I return to it being unlocked, and than I find a note written by him in the cabinet. I had 3 nightmares in one day, one this morning, each time I wake up frozen, my body is frozen, and I cant move I need assistance trying to be unfrozen.
I never have nightmares. Until this month and especially since I left him. And now I feel angry at myself for letting him do those things to me. Advice?
-Ashamed & Angry
Dear Ashamed & Angry,
I am sorry that you had to experience such a traumatic event, however you leaving him is the best thing that you ever could have done for yourself. You are a victim of rape- a victim- this was NOT your fault. You were under the influence and not completely coherent plus you were with someone that you thought you could trust. Don’t be mad at yourself, this person took advantage of you, which is not ok. You most likely are having nightmares because you have not yet come to terms with this incident. Your therapist is there for you for a reason, you have to be honest with them and yourself if you want this wound to heal. There also websites that are available for support: http://www.aftersilence.org/
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