My girlfriend and I have been dating for about three years. When we first started dating, I told her that I was sexually abused during my childhood. I do not disclose this to just anyone, I have only recently told my mother. However, I would like to be able to talk to her openly about it. I don’t try to hide it or avoid the conversation, I just don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know where to begin or what to say. She doesn’t have any suggestions, as she doesn’t know how to quite handle this. Could someone please give us insight on how to go about this and to get it on the table. I would very much like for her to know what happened and how I fell, but every time we try to discuss it, we both hit a brick wall and are left speechless about it. We don’t have the finances nor the time for counseling either. I would like for her to be as involved in the conversation just as much as I would be, I don’t want to be the only one talking and her just listening to me ramble. Any insight or suggestions are welcome. Thank you.
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I feel that it is right for you to discuss this and get it off your chest. Sometimes it takes us a while to process a traumatic event and then to have the courage to discuss it. It is good that you wish to disclose this information to your girlfriend but at the same time it may change the light in which she see you. I am not saying that you shouldn’t tell her but maybe not all of the details. I know that you mentioned the cost of a counselor might be too steep. There should be local support groups that are free and there are some on the web as well. If you can later afford one I highly recommend it. Then maybe over time your girlfriend can go with you to one of the family/friend support groups. Sometimes when we know someone has been hurt so badly there really isn’t much too say that can comfort nor make it better. But in a group setting you will have more people who understand and can relate personally.
* If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com
Related articles:
- The Medical Minute: Sexual abuse can have long-term effects (medicalxpress.com)
- In Child Sexual Abuse, Strangers Aren’t the Greatest Danger, Experts Say (cherished79.wordpress.com)
- Sexual Abuse: What Finally Made It ‘Ok To Tell’ (npr.org)
- 39 Million Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse (livingstonparentjournal.wordpress.com)
- Child Sexual Abuse (odinakadotnet.wordpress.com)
One idea that has always helped me organize my thoughts is writing a letter. I know you want a conversation with her, but that can some later, and writing a letter can help you with the awkwardness of lulls in the conversation. You can also say EXACTLY what you want to say, how you want to say it. I also concur with Honestgoodadvice’s idea about free support groups… also., online support groups can be tremendously helpful and provide you with a certain anonymity. It might be helpful to know why you hit a wall so to speak, when trying to discuss it. Is it lack of the right words to express how you feel, or is it embarrassment? Maybe if you tried telling her the story in small pieces, so she can react to each piece, and give yourself a break in between the pieces.
* i meant that first sentence to say *that can happen some time later. try writing a letter to her. trust me, it really helps!