I’ve been married for 8 years, but the marriage started going wrong about a year ago but we still live together for the kids. I met this cute guy at work and got a crush on him, and admitted this to my husband. He said ‘go for it’ and so I did. One thing lead to another and me and the guy ended up sleeping together. However, this guy has all sorts of baggage and has only just come out of a year long relationship, so I know deep down he probably doesn’t really want me, and I probably shouldn’t get him involved in my **** either, but I really want him to want me back as much as I want him. Although we work in the same place we don’t work together, so have no reason to be seen talking. I want to get it out exactly where I stand. He knows about my situation and doesn’t want to make things worse, but still came over to my place the other night anyway! but when I text him, he never replies, and the weirdness is driving me mad! The next day, I admitted to my husband what had happened, where he then said he’d been to a hotel that same night with a mutual friend of ours. I always had my suspicions about the two of them, but my husband had always just called me crazy and paranoid. I’m also due to start a new job in a few weeks, and I’m stressed and anxious about this too.
I just don’t know how to deal with all of this, it is such a mess. I barely sleep, and don’t eat. I feel like I’m going mad or something. Help.
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I can’t imagine how your head is wrapping around this right now! First, I do not have full insight into your marriage-some people have open marriages and they somehow make it work. However, based on what you have provided it sounds like you do not. I am a bit concerned that your husband gave you the thumbs up to see someone else. That isn’t a healthy relationship and it sounds like there is definitely a lack of communication and commitment between the two of you. I think the best question to ask yourself is what do you want? I know that you are emotionally attached to the new guy however it still sounds like you have feelings for your husband. And for the new guy that isn’t fair and for you it just makes things all too complicated. In many ways, and again I do not know the whole story, but I think you might be better off alone and sorting this out by yourself for a while. Generally when you can remove yourself from an emotionally attached situation you give yourself the time to process everything. If you want to try and save your marriage you should seek counsel. You do have something positive right now- a new job that is coming, do you best to focus your attention on that while sorting this out after hours. Again I highly recommend counsel with or without your spouse.
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Far be it from me to judge someone else’s journey, but WTF? They’re “staying together for the kids”, but they’re not really together and are both sleeping with (or involved with) other people. What message are they sending to their kids? Both the wife and the husband need to dis-engage from the side-pieces and decide “should I stay or should I go”. When adults act in an honest, caring and forthright manner, they benefit themselves and their children. Frankly, this sounds a little like nutsy-cookoo-land to me. And, make no mistake, the kids can feel what is happening, even if they don’t understand all the details.
Id say you are super lucky that big changes are coming just at the right time. It sounds like the whole co-worker situation is nothing but a hassle. Maybe it is not him but the idea of him that you want. A bit of attention. Trust me, better things are coming for you. Although change is super scary, it is sometimes what it takes to put us on new paths. Very soon the unknown will be familiar and hopefully less messy. As well as the fact that moves and change are very stressful and it can sometimes be easier to put your mind in something else so to not have to deal with how hectic it can be on the mind. This is ok as long as you know this is what you are doing. If it is working for you and your husband’s situation then i say good for you and welcome to America. As soon as it gets weird, live separately. It is 10x worse for a child to grow up in a house of anger than a split schedule. Just my thoughts. Thanks for listening! Good luck!