Should I stay for my daughters sake?

I am married to a narcissistic, verbally abusive man, who seemed to get way worse after our daughter was born.  He is very controlling, drinks a lot, doesn’t want to work (does but complains about it), and expects me to pick up the slack for everything (like his child support).  He always accuses me of cheating on him.  Nothing I do is ever right, I never do anything good enough, I can’t seem to do enough.  Anyway, I wanted some insight from people who have been through this.  I want to leave, but get sick when I think about my little one year old having to spend time with him.  It scares me!  I know she has to have a relationship with her dad, but I just want her to be safe.  Is it better to stay until she gets older or leave and let her have stability and normalcy with me in a separate household?

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There is no stability and normalcy in the relationship now from what you have described. I would suggest taking care of yourself for the sake of you and for the sake of your daughters well being. Having a child is a blessing but also a responsibility. If he is not up for the task no sense in waiting around for him to figure it out. I agree with you a child does need their father/mother in their lives but sometimes if that person isn’t well or has personal issues then it’s best to remove the child. Children are impressionable and innocent they should be guarded from any negative influences. I would suggest you do what is best for you which will in turn be what is best for the child in this case.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

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Should I Give the Father of My Unborn Baby a Chance ?

I’m 19 weeks pregnant, been together 5 years and it’s been a volatile relationship. I had made up my mind to leave at new year. but on new years eve I discovered im pregnant. I never thought I could get pregnant as I tried for 8 years with my ex husband and then me and my partner never used any protection for 5 years. the doctor told me i would need IVF or treatment to have kids. So I’m happy but feeling nervous that my relationship isn’t 100% reliable. my partner has a temper sometimes and brings up the past when he has a drink. he can be jealous and paranoid about the most innocent things.

We spent the Easter weekend seeing family and I was happy. once again he caused tension and thought I was talking about him and said I had humiliated him over something trivial. I cried all evening, my family have had enough of him and on top of that I’m so aware that I can’t get stressed otherwise I might harm my baby.

Then last night I could sense he was going to have a go at me, he had had a beer and started moaning about my family. i started crying and told him i cant handle the way he is and a baby. i left and went to my aunt’s house. I do love him otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed 5 years. we do have some great times, we share so many passions and after all these years we still have an extremely passionate relationship.

I’m just fed up of his behaviour towards me, his jealousy and lack of trust in me. We can be having a great day but then he will just flip.

What do I suggest to make this work? What do I do? Should I try for the baby? All I’ve ever wanted was a family but I’m so gutted that now I have my miracle baby I don’t have a good partner to share these times with. It’s so sad. I sometimes wonder why this baby was sent to me now, when it seems like my relationship is so difficult.

Would counselling work? What should I do? should I give him one last chance or do this on my own now? It also breaks my heart that if i leave he will go on to meet other women, its so hard to know what to do!

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Congrats for your little blessing. A baby is a huge responsibility and it sounds like your partner can’t take care of himself let alone you right now. If you were planning on leaving in the first place it’s because it’s the best decision for you and your safety. I think a parent should be involved in their child’s life but that doesn’t mean that the parents have to be together if there is no future between the two of them. I would separate from him and tell him that you have a responsibility to this unborn child and it’s overall well-being. That you want him to be a part of the baby’s life but only if he is able to commit to a clean/sober life. Counseling is a great option. If you still want to make this work for the two of you (not just the baby) then great. If it’s just for the baby you are just prolonging the inevitable. Sometimes when people are given a choice and realize they have a responsibility they do shape up. But this is up to him you will have no control over his actions. In asking him to seek help and take care of himself isn’t being unfair or asking too much. You have the child’s best interest at heart. Since you have family members who have seen this behavior they can vouch for you. It will be shaky but you’ve wanted a baby for so long and it’s here now- how you choose to proceed is up to you.

 

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

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Desperate for a Father’s Love

Why doesn’t my dad love me? He never acts like he’s proud of me no matter what I do. He is very selfish and always,accuses me of being the selfish one, which I can be sometimes but not as bad as him. He always tells me I’m a burden to him and he calls me a bi*ch all the time. Sometimes he acts like he is going to hit me. Why does he hate me? I thought all fathers loved their kids?

-Desperate for my Father’s Love

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Dear Desperate,

Your dad was probably raised the same way that he treats you. This doesn’t excuse his behavior. It could just be a repeated pattern. Sometimes people just don’t understand the dynamic of love nor how to show affection. You are deserving of love and appreciation just as much as he is and should have received as well. You cannot change his past, but you certainly can change and shape your future. Find strength within yourself and knowing that you are doing the best that you can do for yourself and your future. Then one day when you have children you will be able to provide them the love and attention that your father is incapable of providing you now.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at: honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Ashamed & Angry

I’ve been denying this for awhile now. Im too ashamed and embarrassed to tell my therapist – I do trust her but I’m very embarrassed to let anyone else know.

I recently left someone that abused me emotionally mentally and physically. Around five months ago, he took advantage of me. He forced himself in me while I was slightly under the influence. I thought I could feel safe with him, I stayed at his place and took the couch but he forced himself on me. I didn’t want it at all and the next day I confronted him and he denied it and said I wanted it that I enjoyed it. Deep down I knew what he did and I was terrified to do anything about it. I secretly hate myself and am slightly angry at myself for letting it happen. I used wishful thinking to subside what really happened, for awhile it worked but as the relationship continued his true colors showed. He became controlling, jealous, manipulative. I got so fed up I left him, this week will be the second week of not being with him. I’m really trying to turn myself around. After I left it felt good I felt better and for a whole i felt confident, I began taking steps to achieve my self esteem and confidence back..went out with friends you name it. He recently contacted me and since than I’ve been also getting reoccurring nightmares with him being the theme. One nightmare where I keep running and he manages to find me, lock me up, rape me, promise not to leave him etc. And ask me to listen to his apologies and I end up escaping but it repeats itself. Another nightmare where he is in my house – I keep locking my door and I return to it being unlocked, and than I find a note written by him in the cabinet. I had 3 nightmares in one day, one this morning, each time I wake up frozen, my body is frozen, and I cant move I need assistance trying to be unfrozen.

I never have nightmares. Until this month and especially since I left him. And now I feel angry at myself for letting him do those things to me. Advice?

-Ashamed & Angry

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Dear Ashamed & Angry,

I am sorry that you had to experience such a traumatic event, however you leaving him is the best thing that you ever could have done for yourself. You are a victim of rape- a victim- this was NOT your fault. You were under the influence and not completely coherent plus you were with someone that you thought you could trust. Don’t be mad at yourself,  this person took advantage of you, which is not ok. You most likely are having nightmares because you have not yet come to terms with this incident. Your therapist is there for you for a reason, you have to be honest with them and yourself if you want this wound to heal. There also websites that are available for support: http://www.aftersilence.org/

* If you have a topic or wish to submit a question please email me at:
honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Extension from 2/13/2012…

 

There has to be a full complete post as a follow-up to 2/13/12. It has nothing specifically to do with the stars and talent that we have lost. But more so to do with fact that we are facing an epidemic. Prescription drugs have taken over the market-heroin and cocaine are no longer the threat, instead it’s been replaced with pharmaceutical grade heroin known as Oxycontin. As well as numerous other marketed and abused drugs. My husband and I watched an episode of Vanguard this week that was covering this very topic and showing how easy it can be to obtain medications. Luckily the state that was providing the medications freely has recently began a data base to track prescribes and patients which will help reduce the amount of trafficking. The documentary showed that one person was able to go to several pain clinics for a minimal back problem and received over 2,000 pills in the course of one month….one person… Not surprisingly, he has since passed away due to overdose. This is a major issue and it just appears to be getting worse. We are losing celebrities, friends, and loved ones to this rising problem. In college I wrote a paper about drugs and the legal ramifications that were put in place to assist with the rise of prescription abuse. People who were/are addicted were/are thrown in jail–not that people do not have some say in the matter but it’s human nature for most to follow the crowd…if something is new and “hip” and available than most are going to try it. “Celebrities do it and so can I!” I don’t see this as a viable solution. Why are we not throwing the prescribing doctor’s who took the Hippocratic oath in jail? It’s greed that fuels this business, it’s all cash based. Why not start from the source and not the end result…we are working on this from the wrong end.

What are your thoughts aboutprescription drug abuse? Do you have a solution?

*If you have a topic or a question please email me at:
honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Alcoholism

I am an alcoholic and am 27 years old, I was going to AA but find it not to help much, I’ve been focusing on business, family and faith more lately and find this a more affective approach. Anyone have any other ideas how to cope?

-J

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Everyone deals with addiction differently. AA meetings are meant to provide a support group for others who can relate to your troubles. Did you not find a sponsor? A good support system is key but at the end of the day it’s up to you to stay focused on the ultimate goal. Keeping yourself distracted by positive things is great. If you start to feel weak go to a support group or a close friend/family member. Good luck!