First Talk w/My Daughter After 5 Years and I’m Speechless

I am seeing my 13 year old after 5 years. (The mother took her overseas and reprogrammed her)? My daughter and I have just connected over the phone and she is very genuine and looks forward to seeing me soon.  The mother just got remarried. I am overwhelmed with emotions I don’t know what to say to her?

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If she is excited to see you then it sounds like your ex couldn’t have “reprogrammed” her as much as you might think. Tell her the truth that you’ve missed her dearly and that you love her very much. Once you set something up to meet with her, ask her what her favorite food is, take her to an age appropriate movie, go bowling. Try do activities that you think she might enjoy but also allow you the time to talk with her and get to know her better. Also it’s ok to be nervous and to even be honest with your feelings with her (as long as they are about you and her and not how upset you are about your ex/her mother) It’s about your relationship with her not about bashing her mom. Just focus on getting to know her better and enjoying your time with her

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

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Why Cell Phones Are Bad for Parenting By Dominique Browning

People get so upset with me if I forget to take my cell phone with me or if I call back without listening to their voicemail first. A phone is a phone not my life and not my leash. I like being “out of pocket” every once in a while. It’s crazy how people respond “What if something happens and someone needs to get a hold of you?!” Then I’ll get it when I look at my phone or it’ll fall the way that it’s meant to be. But I don’t have to be hooked up to my phone 24/7. It’s scary how dependent most people have become to thier cell phones. I love mine don’t get me wrong but I would rather engage in face to face interaction or spend quality time with you rather than be at your beck and call

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Enjoy the read:

There was something to be said for the old-fashioned landline, with a handset so bulky, you had to tuck it between your neck and shoulder to get your hands free. They didn’t — couldn’t — go everywhere with us. Now we’re tethered to our mobiles — addicted, even. They’ve become handy tools for avoidance, and it’s our children who are getting the bad end of the deal.

All around me, I see parents with their babies and toddlers and young kids — but not with them. The grownups are on the phone. The dad pushing his son on the swing set while hands-free on his mobile isn’t really with his child. The mom pushing her baby in a pram while she’s yakking on the phone isn’t really with her child.

The kids aren’t too happy about it. They’re pulling on their parents’ clothes. They’re yanking on their arms. They’re acting out to get attention. I’ve heard them begging their parents to stop, disconnect. I’ve watched children start to whimper the minute the mobile is picked up — off the dinner table. During dinner. The son of a friend of mine recently announced, at age 10, that he hates cell phones. Actually, he will tell you he hates technology. IPads don’t fool him. Neither does texting. He understands that his father can never get away from his work — and the office won’t get away from his father. He sees the phone, and he thinks, I’ve lost my dad’s attention. And that’s what children crave: attention. We all do.

Parents have to break the phone habit before it is too late. I’m not talking about getting extreme here — no phone calls around a child, ever. But I am talking about giving more thought to all the missed opportunities for communicating with a child. For simply being with her. Quietly. I was pleased to find the blog of a young mother from Alabama, Rachel Stafford, who has started an aptly titled campaign called Hands Free Mama, encouraging parents to put away the tech toys and be present with their children.

Is being a parent boring? Sometimes. Lots of times. And guess what.

Read more: http://ideas.time.com/2012/05/17/why-cell-phones-are-bad-for-parenting/#ixzz1znFaDXYo

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Will Remarriage Affect Children?

A topic that has been brought up among many people is if I remarry will and how will it affect my children. As a product of divorce and remarriage from a child’s perspective I can understand the hesitancy. The thing is at the end of the day if you love someone and they want to be with you they will need to learn to accept all of you. If this includes kids and pets then so be it. But on the same token I would suggest you tread lightly when it comes to introducing the kids to this new found love. I can tell you that initally I was upset that my mother had decided to remarry and felt as though she were attempting to replace my exisiting father. Mind you I was 12 years old and your scope of understanding life, marriage, and divorce is a bit skwed. Now as an adult I learned that he is a much better husband for her than my dad was. Sometimes things just don’t work or other things in life take over and we loose sight of marriage. It does happen and there is no one person to blame it’s a work in progress pretty much from the point you say “I do” until the day “death do us part”. But as for the topic of how will it affect my children. In many ways and they will all be different because we all deal differently with change. If my mom were to remarry the same person she is with now today I would be happy very happy for her. But that’s because I’m older and have a better idea of how marriage and life works. Not an all knowing view…but much better than a 12 year old who thought she did know all ;) I think the best thing you can do is be open and honest with your child. Tell them you love them very much and that so does thier mom/dad. But sometimes people fall out of love but it doesn’t affect the love that they have for the child. And you can further solidify that now they will have even more love by adding a new spouse to the mix. Just know that anytime there is an adjustment for anyone regardless of age there will be push back and uncomfort. It’s just human nature. But know that given time and with patience they will come around and learn to appreciate those in thier lives. Will it affect them yes, but the real question is how and that depends on how you and your new spouse decided to approach it

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

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I want to know what the world would be like…?

I want to know what the world would be like if i just vanished.  I honestly think that i am a waste of space, and i the world wouldn’t be any different without me, My parents think all i do is complain, and i am just lazy. I am honestly not. They don’t understand how much i do for them. I am always there for them even if i dont want to. I always get the short end of the stick when it come to situations. I feel like they expect me to follow the stereotypical expectations of a women. Im 15 , and forever will be a tomboy. I love sports, and hanging out. but they want me cooped up in the house cleaning and cooking. I always get the comment, “Sit like a lady, act like a lady, go help mom clean, cook” i honestly cant take it anymore. I dont know what i will do. please help

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It would be a world that would be empty of your smiling face and the happiness that you bring to those around you. I do not think that your parents intentionally focus on repremanding you. Generally speaking when people act a certain way or treat others a certain way it’s because that is what they learned or were treated as well. This doesn’t make it right nor ok but it does allow you to step back and realize that this is a process and a repeated pattern. It can be changed but only if they want to change it. And you also must realize that there are so many things in this world to be grateful for. What we choose to focus on in our lives affect our feelings and thoughts. Instead of focusing on the negatives that are around you what are the positives? I have a roof over my head, although my parents nag me about things it’s because they love me, I have food available to me when I am hungry etc. There is so much more in this world that could be so much worse. I understand that you don’t feel appreciated nor respected so be honest with those feelings. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own thoughts and feelings we don’t realize what else is going on around us? Have your parents been stressed as of late? What’s going on in thier lives right now? I would sit down with them and in a non-confrontational way tell them how you are feeling and how sometimes when they talk to you or mention something it hurts your feelings. Communication and being open will help this situation.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

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My Parents Are Divorcing-What Do I Do?

I am so depressed it us unreal. With so many things going on in my life it’s overwhelmingly unbearable. My parents just went to court and got officially divorced, today. (13 years old…. Not hard to figure it out). I’ve already posted many questions about the same topic. I am very religious catholic boy. I understand that god is giving me important wisdom that can help me accomplish something when I’m older or give me help for a future problem but I can’t seem to figure out why I have to go through so much pain for help from god. I am pouring my heart and thoughts onto this post. It’s so painful between my parents divorce and school.  Is it right to question god’s plan for me? Is it ok to feel sad still after 2 months it has been since they told me? I am curious. GOD BLESS YOU.  Thanks for your input.

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I know that it might seem like something painfully awful but divorce can be a blessing in disguise. If your parents both agreed that it’s best to separate then that is there choice and not yours. And this decision has nothing to do with you. Sometimes people grow apart, or loose sight of the common goal or interest, or loose themselves in one another. If you had your choice would you want your parents to stay together and be miserable for the rest of their lives and live a lie? Or would you prefer they part, learn and grow, and become better people and parents because of it? I know that you are sad and think that this must be a failure but it is not- you are correct it is a lesson. And many times lessons are painful- and I think sometimes they are because then it helps us to remember them. And to also appreciate the manying blessing that we already have. I know it’s hard and you may not understand right now, but give your parents and yourself sometime. You will come to realize this is the best decision. It will work out

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

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If I Adopt will the Child Love Me?

I have ALWAYS wanted to adopt a child. I also want one or two of my own but I definitely want to adopt at least one child. Just from things I have heard over the years, I am afraid I will have a child that feels incomplete with my family and not happy because they are missing something. For anyone who has been adopted, do you love your parents as much as you would your bio parents? Do you feel like you are constantly missing something and unhappy about it? I’m afraid I will adopt a child and they will just wish they were with their bio parents.

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All children crave love, support, and guidance. It doesn’t matter how the person who provides this is related to the child. Just be open and understanding to their potential desires to know where there roots lie. Sometimes the parents can’t afford emotionally, psychologically, nor financially for their newborn child. Or maybe it was created out of less than pleasant experiences. Either way the child has been brought into this world and deserves love just as much as everyone else. As long as you remain a positive and constant aspect of a child’s life they will love and be grateful in return.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

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Paternity Testing for Unborn Child?

We are expecting our first child in May. I am sort of paranoid about things and I would feel more comfortable if I had a paternity test done on our baby just to confirm things. I don’t really think my wife cheated but anything is possible. I have a good friend who ended up raising a child for 3 years before finding out it wasn’t his. It destroyed him. I would really like to avoid something like that.

I was traveling a lot during the time of conception (August of 2011). I think we only had sex two times that entire month and we had been trying hard prior to then for about six months with no success. So I am a little concerned.

The thing I am concerned is with is my wife is going to probably be offended if I ask her for a paternity test. The implication is pretty clear and I don’t want to anger her too much. I am a little skeptical because of dates and my buddy’s experiences. I honestly would be stunned and heart broken if it wasn’t mine. I can’t fathom my wife would cheat on me AND get pregnant but better safe than sorry.

What is the best way to go about doing this without offending my wife? I am fine with waiting until after the birth to do the testing.

-Soon to be Dad

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Dear Soon to be Dad,

I don’t foresee this going over well nor there being a way not to offend her. It sounds like you have issues with trust that might need to be resolved. If you ask her for the test then she will know that you do not trust her which in turn creates doubt and can lead to the end of your marriage. I would seek counsel on your own and explain the thoughts and feelings that you are going through. Then once you feel comfortable you bring her into your sessions as well. Once the baby is born if you still have doubts you can always buy an over the counter test and do it on your own. I would tread lightly however on this one.

*If you have a topic or would like to submit a question please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

 

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Will this save my relationship?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months and it’s been perfect. Lately though, we’ve been arguing a lot and I don’t want us to break up. I know we love each other more than anything and I know that the day we move in together, all our problems will disappear. I’m worried I’ll lose him before that can happen. Now I’m sure some of you won’t agree with this but we’ve talked about our future before together and how we want to have children together so would trying to get pregnant be a bad idea to try and keep him?
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Ok hold the horn here….slow down. First off, just because you move in with one another will not make your problems “disappear.” What have your arguments been about lately? Does it involve him wanting to go out with his friends or possibly wanting space? Or is it something entirely different. Sometimes we want something but aren’t always sure of how to ask for it. If he wants to hang out with his friends then let him. You should be spending time away as well-distance makes the heart grow fonder. It also allows you each to breathe and relate to more people other than just one another (which isn’t healthy). Secondly, bringing a child into the mix right now will only make things worse. You are bringing an innocent child into the world that will have no way of changing or improving the problem at hand. If you are having a problem now then you will have it in the future if you choose to avoid it and bring in another life. Currently, in this case bringing a child into the world right now would just add more pressure and an added responsibility for each of you to handle. It’s an 18 year commitment-that’s a very big deal for some people! I would try and figure out what the route of your arguments are generally about. There should be a common theme- once you find it focus on fixing it. Sometimes, people grow apart and sometimes people just want some time to themselves as well.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

I Want to Leave My Husband but Can’t

I have been in a relationship with my fiance for 6 years now, bought a house last year and have a 2 year old daughter. However, for some time now (on and off for about 3 years) I have been questioning how happy I truly am in this relationship. When I have been looking at other forums on the subject I find alot of people have to deal with abuse, divorce, affairs which is nothing like what I have to deal with and I feel abit silly for the things I do deal with and complain about. I hate the way he talks to me sometimes, he can be disrespectful (his father oftens talks to his mother this way so no doubt his upbringing obviously plays a part) he can be quite serious and is meticulous in cleaning as in he wants the house to be clean all the time. With me working part time and being a mother I find it difficult to do it to his standard all the time, let alone having his dinner on the table when he gets home from work. He snaps at me sometimes (especially when he has been without marijuana for a while – he is trying his best to quit this) and in general conversation he can get quite uptight and angry. He is not like this all the time but it is happening more as time goes on. I have spoken to him about these issues and have almost left the home a couple of times, things change for abit but then he reverts back to his ways. I know I should be happy as in a sense I have everything I wanted, a home, children, someone who I know will never cheat on me (I have been hurt in the past so this means a lot to me) but I just find myself not feeling the love I should anymore. We still have sex which is great when it happens but it can take abit of initiation on his part for me to be interested. When he’s being horrible, I just don’t feel like putting out but sometimes I do just to keep the peace and keep him happy. Apart from the above, he is generally a decent person. He works all week long, pays most of the household bills and I know if it came to it, he would do anything for me or our daughter. Despite this, I have been feeling this way for a long time now but just cannot seem to find the courage to go. It goes completely against my grain to have children and then split up and have a weekend father. I was brought up in this environment and both my sisters have had children with men and broken up. I promised myself that I would not let this happen to me and that the person I have children with is the person I would be with for life. So I am feeling extremely torn in my belief system and my happiness. I sometimes think of life alone with my daughter and feel a sense of relief but at the same time I think of him with someone else and it hurts. I know this is not the right reason to stay with someone and I do love him but I am quite indecisive in nature and am so worried that if I go and realise that I’ve made a mistake, that he will not take me back. This would be a huge regret and with my daughter to think about, is not a risk I can take unless I am absolutely sure it is what I want. My brain tends to be overactive and I find it extremely difficult to calm my thoughts long enough. I feel like I am thinking about it every day and it is exhausting. I just wish I knew what to do, make a decision and stick to it. If any one has any advice, I would love to hear from you.
-Unhappy

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Dear Unhappy,

I think a few things need to addressed first. Number one you should never have sex with someone just to keep the peace or make that person happy. The point of sex besides feeling nice is also to create an intimate and deeper bond between the two of you. By just giving in you are detaching yourself from the connection. This is not healthy. If you are both willing I highly recommend marriage counseling. It will help each of you figure out how to communicate, relate, and understand each other more effectively. If this is not an option for you then I would recommend you take care of yourself and your child. Otherwise, you are teaching your children (child) that being verbally/emotional abused is ok. It is good that you realize that your husband learned this behavior early on. A lot of people do not make that connection. The good news it can be changed and modified if he wants to change it. It will take some work on both of your parts but it can be accomplished. I hope you find peace and happiness.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Wife Won’t Stop Complaining About My Ex

My wife won’t stop and it’s making me crazy? She won’t stop Complaining about my ex!
We’ll call my wife becky and call my ex Krissie

Here are the cliff notes:

Krissie and I broke up

I met Becky and we got married a couple weeks later

Krissie found out she pregnant and told me

my wife and mother said she was a liar just trying to get me back

Krissie came with an ultrasound and note from her doctor estimating conception

I was an idiot and denied my son which I’ll always regret because I missed out on his first years and will never get that back. I was afraid of ruining my marriage.

Everyone in my wife’s family kept telling her to demand a paternity test

We got one. Yeah he’s my kid. Krissie hated me for implying otherwise but forgave me for the sake of our son. she has allowed me to be part of his life, I see him almost everyday now, and she even decided not to sue for back child support since I am now providing financially & emotionally.

The problem is my wife hates my ex. It’s like she can’t stop herself from complaining about krissie. according to my brother krissie is a dream ex… he has 4 kids from 4 moms so I guess he knows

Krissie only calls me if it concerns our son (serious stuff, not “just to talk”)

Every time I go to pick him up he is clean and happy, and she doesn’t say bad things about me to him (he’s a kid who repeats what he hears , which is why Krissie won’t let becky be around him anymore because the first time she met him she called his mom a lot of bad things, and I agreed my wife doesn’t need to be in his life, when she’s acting that way)

She doesn’t sleep around so I don’t have to worry about creeps being around my kid and she’s just a great mom to him . I love my wife and I want our marriage to work but it’s becoming to much to handle. We argue everyday, she says I want Kris back, she says Kris wants me, and she implies that my son isn’t mine even though we had the tests and he looks exactly like me.

I just need to know how I can get her to understand that I just want to be a good father. I hate myself for denying him for so long. I never thought i’d be one of those dead beats. Sometime i want to cry thinking about all the things I missed.Ii don’t blame my wife because i am a grown man and made my own decisions, but I felt so much pressure from her and my mother, saying that there was no way she just found out about the pregnancy right after i got married. the truth is part of me knew the truth, I guess I was a coward so I don’t need people telling me what scum I am, because I already know, I just want to have a good life and be and good dad. what can I do to reassure my wife that the extent of my relationship with Kris is that we love our son and that’s it.

-Loving Father at Wits End

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Dear Loving Father,

 

You need to talk with your wife and be just as honest as you have been here. Tell her that you love her and never want to make her feel uncomfortable but you also love your son and have an obligation to be a good father to him. You need to ask her that she respect the mother of your child because the child had no control of being born into this family. It’s not fair nor healthy to the child to hear negative things about his/her own mother. It also makes it difficult for the child to want to bond with your current wife. I would also reccommend you tell your wife that it makes you uncomfortable and it hurts your feelings to see her act this way. If you cannot come to an agreement I would reccomend couples thearpy so you have an outside source who can help you through this. Keep on being a great dad- the child will be grateful later that you stepped up and are apart of his life now.

 

* If you have a question or topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@hotmail.com