I’m 19 weeks pregnant, been together 5 years and it’s been a volatile relationship. I had made up my mind to leave at new year. but on new years eve I discovered im pregnant. I never thought I could get pregnant as I tried for 8 years with my ex husband and then me and my partner never used any protection for 5 years. the doctor told me i would need IVF or treatment to have kids. So I’m happy but feeling nervous that my relationship isn’t 100% reliable. my partner has a temper sometimes and brings up the past when he has a drink. he can be jealous and paranoid about the most innocent things.
We spent the Easter weekend seeing family and I was happy. once again he caused tension and thought I was talking about him and said I had humiliated him over something trivial. I cried all evening, my family have had enough of him and on top of that I’m so aware that I can’t get stressed otherwise I might harm my baby.
Then last night I could sense he was going to have a go at me, he had had a beer and started moaning about my family. i started crying and told him i cant handle the way he is and a baby. i left and went to my aunt’s house. I do love him otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed 5 years. we do have some great times, we share so many passions and after all these years we still have an extremely passionate relationship.
I’m just fed up of his behaviour towards me, his jealousy and lack of trust in me. We can be having a great day but then he will just flip.
What do I suggest to make this work? What do I do? Should I try for the baby? All I’ve ever wanted was a family but I’m so gutted that now I have my miracle baby I don’t have a good partner to share these times with. It’s so sad. I sometimes wonder why this baby was sent to me now, when it seems like my relationship is so difficult.
Would counselling work? What should I do? should I give him one last chance or do this on my own now? It also breaks my heart that if i leave he will go on to meet other women, its so hard to know what to do!
Congrats for your little blessing. A baby is a huge responsibility and it sounds like your partner can’t take care of himself let alone you right now. If you were planning on leaving in the first place it’s because it’s the best decision for you and your safety. I think a parent should be involved in their child’s life but that doesn’t mean that the parents have to be together if there is no future between the two of them. I would separate from him and tell him that you have a responsibility to this unborn child and it’s overall well-being. That you want him to be a part of the baby’s life but only if he is able to commit to a clean/sober life. Counseling is a great option. If you still want to make this work for the two of you (not just the baby) then great. If it’s just for the baby you are just prolonging the inevitable. Sometimes when people are given a choice and realize they have a responsibility they do shape up. But this is up to him you will have no control over his actions. In asking him to seek help and take care of himself isn’t being unfair or asking too much. You have the child’s best interest at heart. Since you have family members who have seen this behavior they can vouch for you. It will be shaky but you’ve wanted a baby for so long and it’s here now- how you choose to proceed is up to you.
My little brother and his wife have a bad custody battle going on. There are accusations on both sides, some are true some arn’t. Proven facts: they both have ahistory of depresson and suicide attempts. They both have a history of alcohol abuse. His wife has a domestic violence conviction against him. He has a history of a bad temper and he hit his father in law and threatened to kill his friend. I am worried because I don’t want him to lose custody to his ex wife but he keeps effing up. He can’t afford to pay her child support and he does not have a job. Right now his wife has to pay him child support. Could this change? What can I do to help him?
Dear Concerned Brother,
There is only so much that you can do here. The actions should be coming from your brother and his wife not you. I am not sure how much you want to be involved. You could help him get clean and start going to anger management courses, and/or you could petition to take custody of the children on your brother’s behalf. But that is a MAJOR life changing decision and would also mean that you would be putting yourself in the middle of this drama. But at the same time these kids are innocent victims of the selfishness of their own parents. You can also check out Al-Anon support groups for yourself and the kids if they are old enough. Some chapters have younger children support groups.