Archive for February, 2012

This has been an all too common theme of late within my life as well as those around me. It seems as though love and relationships somehow take over and we lose sight of ourselves within the bigger picture of the relationship. I have had a couple of people who have mentioned getting upset if their partner wants some alone time or wants to go out with friends on their own. This is completely healthy and should be practiced by both people within the relationship. There is nothing wrong with spending time together, but if you are only spending time with each other the relationship is doomed to fizzle out eventually. We are creatures of habit and enjoy our time and space. This practice shouldn’t be tossed out when we fall for someone else. There is nothing wrong with including each other within different friendship circles. But at the same time it is ok to give each other space. It also allows the other persons needs to be met on a different level. Unfortunately contrary to romantic lyrics and thoughts you can’t always be someone’s “everything.” A little diversity spices things up and also leaves room for new topics of conversation. Which truly  is a beautiful thing 🙂

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I would like to write an apology to a friend and I pretty sure he will not answer the phone if I call him. I was selfish and only thought of myself, assuming we were an item. When he set me straight I was aggressive and ended the friendship without thinking it through. Now I realize that I would rather have him as a friend than not in my life at all. I just don’t think he will trust me again.
-Please Help
Dear Please Help,

The best apology is one that is sincere and from your heart. You already have most of what you need to say in this question already. Just be open with your thoughts and feelings and no one is perfect. Good friends are those that keep us in check- if this is meant to be then it will be, if not then there is a valuable lesson to be learned from this mistake. Good luck!

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and counting, we absolutley adore each other, even when we piss each other off lol. We have been through so much together so I know that our relationship is built upon strong grounds. I can really see us being happy for the rest of our lives. He isn’t fussed about marriage although he does want to get married. I really want to spice it up just like our relationship is, so exciting and different so I wanted to be the one who asks him to marry me instead of him asking me. It feels right but I’m embarrassed that people might frown upon the fact that I am asking him. How should I do it? My best friends thinks I should write on the bathroom mirror with lipstick “Will you marry me?” but I’m not sure. Or edit my cover photo on fb, is me asking him to marry me right or wrong?



If you think this person is the one, then why not ask? And if it feels right then you should go with it. Just because it’s not traditional doesn’t mean it cannot be done. I definitely would not put it on Facebook.  It’s not personal and could potentially be taken lightly.  If you want it to be special make it something specific to each of you. Example, your first date took place a bowling alley, so go back to that exact place and pop the question there. Or maybe the first place that you realized you loved your partner- it could be in the middle of your living room- even though it’s not a “special” location it’s the thought and reasoning that means more. Either way just try and find a way to make it unique and personal to your relationship. Good luck & congrats!

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Dear Honest Good Advice,
This is something I am very interested in, and if you know about reputable or reliable books or research done in the specific area of falling in love and people who fall in love quickly, please share.When I was younger, I would “fall” for and become obsessed with guys I barely knew. And then I snapped out of it… I began seeing what I wanted and what I didn’t want, what I could live without and what I couldn’t, and the fact that the best person in front of me now is not the best person in my future, etc.

To put it briefly, I got real, and I learned to difference between genuine interest, friendship, infatuation, lust, etc. I realized I don’t need anyone and it took only a few minutes to snap out of this.

Yet there are guys who claim to fall for me, and actually become nearly obsessed with me, periodically. I honestly try to help them and get them to see that I am nothing special and that they do not even know me, but they can’t see the situation for what it is. It’s kind of pathetic and I’m glad I’m not like that to anyone anymore.

But I want to know why do you think people are like this?

 -Seeking Honest Love
Dear Seeking Honest Love,
I think when we are children we are innocent and curious about the world and how things work and interact. To some degree we are also mimicking what we see around us, relationships between our parents, grandparents, strangers, the media, movies, tv it’s all around us. We all have within us the need to feel loved and secure. Then as we age we learn how the world and life works for each of us and how we all coexist with one another. Now as to why would people just fall into love “blindly” without thought? Well to some degree it’s not completely thoughtless…or should I say it’s not just on a whim. Sometimes people find something in the other person, a common interest, or maybe they remind them of someone in their life presently or from their past that brought them comfort. Also, and interestingly there is the scientic notion of pheromones. Each of us has our own genetic stink if you will. These smells that we produce might instance one mate while on the other hand turn another away. The concept of love, lust, and infatuation to some degree is all entwined initially. If we didn’t have that initial phase of puppy eyed romance most of us would never procreate nor attempt to “love” someone else. It’s kinda like a smoke screen if you will, to lure each of you together. As for someone being obsessed with you maybe it’s not you but the mere notion of wanting something that can’t be taken. We all at some point want what we can’t have. And at the end of the day we are all special but no more than the other person. So if someone wants to love you or lust after you be appreciative that someone feels this way about you. It’s a compliment, it’s not meant to be an annoyance. And as for books there are a ton of them about relationships and love in any local bookstore in the Psychology section. Happy hunting!
 What are your thoughts about love and infatuation? Do you have books or links that you can suggest?
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Spiritualism vs Religion

What are your beliefs? Are you religious?

"A Colorful Soul is Born" by Vilma Rohena

These are questions that I’ve been asked before many times throughout my life. Even when I was a kid my friends who regularly attended church would ask “Where do you go to church?” Growing up I didn’t go to church, it wasn’t that it wasn’t allowed nor kept from me. In fact far from it, my mother was raised Catholic and was “forced” to attend growing up. So when she had her own children she never influenced myself nor my brother on where we should practice our faith. Most of my friends were Christian, although I did go to a Pentecostal church once. Not to be disrespectful, but that was an interesting experience in it’s own right…Regardless, for me what I have seen and experienced is that “religion” most of the time is organized and conformed to fit a small groups ideals which in turn influences the larger following group to go along… I don’t believe that any particular religion is right nor necessarily wrong either. I think each person needs something different or something that they can find relatable to thier own ideals. Interestingly enough, if you look at a lot of religions there are quite a few similarities among most but they might vary slightly due to location and traditions. As for my personal beliefs, there is more than just us and definitely there are “higher” powers. In my opinion it seems rather egocentric for us to assume that we are the only “beings” in this universe. There is so much more that science has yet to explore and so vast that we now know there are other universes but we just don’t know how yet to get there.  There is to much unknown to be known. Therefore, I choose spiritualism over religion- knowing there is something more but not labeling it.

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My fiancee and I are getting married April 28th. Everything is basically good to go only problem is our families are TOTALLY different. Not so much my dads side but my mothers (they are divorced an can’t stand each other for this reason). My moms side of the family is very rich and a lot of the time tend to have a snobby attitude when it comes to people. My soon to be wifes family are the type that if you come around like that they have no problem telling you to “get that stick out your ***”.Don’t get me wrong they are very sweet and loving as can be but tend to come off strong. My mom already kind of mad a impression with my fiancees’ family when she met her brother and started questioning about all his tattoos. Then said “oh God, how could you do that to your body. (Turns to me) I hope you don’t plan on doing that”.I’ve talked to my dad about it and he thinks its funny. He says meeting her family will put my mom in place (my dad knows they aren’t bad people but he’s also been around them long enough to know the problems that could come about. He accually took the time to know them when we first met in high school).

My mom has no problem with my fiancee she says she lovely. Not a huge fan of her eyebrow piercing but nothing truly to complain about. But she has all to say about the family just by meeting her brother.

I know this may sound petty but we just want this day to go as smoothly as possible.
Advice is greatly appreciated!

-Hoping for Wedding Day Bliss
Dear Hoping for Wedding Day Bliss,
Weddings are emotional and unfortunately sometimes can create waves. You love your fiancee and you want to spend the rest of your life with this person- at the end of the day that is all that matters. Your mom is being judgemental, whatever the reason she believes anything outside her social norm isn’t ok. You need to talk with your mother privately. Be open and honest about your feelings- “I want this day to be special and pleasant for everyone. This would mean a lot to me if you would attend and support us. I know that you don’t necessarily agree but these people are good people. I am your child, you raised me well and I wouldn’t be marrying this person and being a part of this family unless I knew this was right for me. I hope that you can be open to getting to know them.” She might try, she might not, but this way you’ve set the tone and cleared the air but also have opened the door for her to do what is best for you both.
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Desperate for Love

"Human Like" by Chuck Anderson

So I want to get married to this guy that was a non-Muslim, but he converted a few months ago, he tells me he wants to marry me and I wanna marry him aswell, but theres one thing getting in the way, my family. I’m a Pakistani and my dad wants me to get married from Pakistan and my moms just all about money my mom says, get married to a Pakistani boy whose family that is rich, get a good job and so and so, which gets me really mad because she doesn’t care about my happiness, only the money I guess. My sister also got married from Pakistan but she was okay with that I gues…I was talking to my mom the other day about converting in general I didn’t tell her about the man I love, and then she start saying all this bad stuff like, ” No,  never that’s really bad” and she went all loud, and I said what if I’m not happy with the one I get married to? And then she’s like, no you’ll like this guy after wards,(I think she’s trying to say after sex, like emotions) I cry every night. I’m in the UK, and the man I love also lives down my road, he said that he’s scared of my brothers because they might be protective over me. My brothers are older than him just a few years. Please help 😦 anything, just anything that I could do? To be with him….:'(


Dear Desperate,

Love is love, you have to follow your heart. If you don’t there will be consequences regardless. Your parents are telling you these things because it is their tradition and what their parents told them. If you love him then be with him-your parents might disapprove but what is worse, living a lie and being miserable, or loving someone for life and having parents who disapprove? You are at a fork in the road and the decision is up to you, both will be difficult. But you have to make a choice for yourself and no one else.

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Ashamed & Angry

I’ve been denying this for awhile now. Im too ashamed and embarrassed to tell my therapist – I do trust her but I’m very embarrassed to let anyone else know.

I recently left someone that abused me emotionally mentally and physically. Around five months ago, he took advantage of me. He forced himself in me while I was slightly under the influence. I thought I could feel safe with him, I stayed at his place and took the couch but he forced himself on me. I didn’t want it at all and the next day I confronted him and he denied it and said I wanted it that I enjoyed it. Deep down I knew what he did and I was terrified to do anything about it. I secretly hate myself and am slightly angry at myself for letting it happen. I used wishful thinking to subside what really happened, for awhile it worked but as the relationship continued his true colors showed. He became controlling, jealous, manipulative. I got so fed up I left him, this week will be the second week of not being with him. I’m really trying to turn myself around. After I left it felt good I felt better and for a whole i felt confident, I began taking steps to achieve my self esteem and confidence back..went out with friends you name it. He recently contacted me and since than I’ve been also getting reoccurring nightmares with him being the theme. One nightmare where I keep running and he manages to find me, lock me up, rape me, promise not to leave him etc. And ask me to listen to his apologies and I end up escaping but it repeats itself. Another nightmare where he is in my house – I keep locking my door and I return to it being unlocked, and than I find a note written by him in the cabinet. I had 3 nightmares in one day, one this morning, each time I wake up frozen, my body is frozen, and I cant move I need assistance trying to be unfrozen.

I never have nightmares. Until this month and especially since I left him. And now I feel angry at myself for letting him do those things to me. Advice?

-Ashamed & Angry


Dear Ashamed & Angry,

I am sorry that you had to experience such a traumatic event, however you leaving him is the best thing that you ever could have done for yourself. You are a victim of rape- a victim- this was NOT your fault. You were under the influence and not completely coherent plus you were with someone that you thought you could trust. Don’t be mad at yourself,  this person took advantage of you, which is not ok. You most likely are having nightmares because you have not yet come to terms with this incident. Your therapist is there for you for a reason, you have to be honest with them and yourself if you want this wound to heal. There also websites that are available for support:

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There’s this girl I work with for about 2 and 1/2 years and no one likes her at work because they all think she’s crazy or bipolar (those are their words). I do think she acts strange at times like she can be cool one minute and then all of a sudden blow up for no reason. 

Last year she sat next to me at work so I was nice to her and found out that she acts strange because she takes 3 different (strong) pain killers everyday every 4 hours for her back pain. So I felt kinda bad for her so I became her friend even though everyone else was telling me to stay away from her.Well for awhile she was being cool and normal, but since last week i’ve noticed she seems really angry and it makes me feel uncomfortable to be around her. She’s very negative and constantly makes racist comments about other people or makes other mean comments about people.I don’t wanna be her friend anymore because I can’t deal with someone like that. What is a way that I can stop being friends with her without making her mad?

Hello A,
 It sounds like this person has some serious problems going on in her life. Pain medications are highly addictive. I don’t know what she is taking however she is probably coming off the meds when she is angry or grumpy. This is a Human Resources issue- you need to go to your HR team and let them know what is going on. Since she is having mood swings on the job it is creating a hostile work environment. This person obviously is in need of help. She might get mad but you are doing the right thing by trying to help her get the support that she needs. Or she might not even know that you did it, but something needs to be said regardless. 
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I have two people currently in my life who are planning their own weddings. It seems like a daunting task however it can be easily accomplished on your own with the help of your friends and family. So, here are just a few tidbits that I found helpful from planning my own wedding.

Step 1.

Decide where you want your or your parent’s hard-earned money to go! The groom and bride to be should both sit down and list the top 10 things they find to be the most important about their special day. You can do this together or separately either way by doing this exercise it lets you see where most of your budget should be focused. Your list could include but is not limited to any of the following: venue, transportation, photographer/videographer, food, the cake, liquor/beer, decorations, dress/suit, bridal/groom gifts, wedding favors, etc.

Step 2.

Set out a time line. Again, for some planning a wedding is overwhelming. Spread out the tasks so that way you focus on different areas each month rather than all at once. This will include everything from introducing the parents to one another, selecting a venue,  ordering favors etc. If you want a more in-depth guide there are a ton of websites that offer free wedding calendar checklists.

Step 3.

Get creative and think outside of the box. The best way to save money is to do a lot of the  work and research yourself. I planned my wedding in roughly 2 weeks 3 months before the actual date. I am a planner so this definitely kept me on my toes- it was the only date that everyone was available to fly cross country…Keep in mind- I was stressed out and in hyper-drive…so I do not reccommend people going this route! Give yourself plenty of time and enlist plenty of help!

Step 4.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions or explore other options. I was able to book my venue at a discounted price because my husband was active military. I know that not all of my readers have this advantage, so another way to receive a discount for the venue is schedule the wedding on a slower day. You can always ask the venue what days are usually their slowest- generally this will be the middle of the week or in the morning. (Keep in mind this might cause issues for your guests.) Weekends and nights are the most pricey because that is what is in high demand.

Step 5.

Buy a used dress. I saved 44% on my wedding dress because I didn’t buy new.  I purchased a floor sample at a local boutique and then took it to a tailor to be altered and cleaned. When I got the dress back it looked brand new- the beading that was loose had all been sown back into place, the stains at the bottom of the dress from being brushed against the floor- gone, the tiny rip- vanished. If you have a thing with wearing something that was once used you can still save. There are tons of people on ebay that offer custom dresses. Most of these vendors are based in China (where most of the dresses we buy are made to begin with) and will require your measurements and color selection. Generally, the pricing is around $200 per dress. The one draw back to this is that you have to wait anywhere from 1-4 months to receive your dress. I prefer to see and touch what the material before I buy something, but if this is a better option for you then happy hunting!

Step 6.

A little well-known fact that is surprisingly obvious, (oxymoronic statement yet it’s true) the business of getting married is just that— a business. Unfortunately, marketing and sales teams are quite well aware of the psychology behind this special day. They know that you have spent your whole life waiting for the day to become Mrs. and wear the most beautiful dress on earth that makes you look amazing! Don’t be fooled that you have to spend an arm and potentially a portion of your left leg in order to have the wedding of your dreams. Be realistic about your budget and if you over spend somewhere that means another area will have to be adjusted to accomodate. And remember- it’s just one day, important and special, but one day.