I’m 20, and my girl is 19. Both second year college students. We have been together for a year and 3 months, and have been really goods friends since the beginning of high school. So we are serious enough. We have met each other’s parents/families and have spoken about future living arrangements, even marriage. Here’s where it gets interesting. I have a drug problem. Or at least had. I smoked way too much weed for my own good, and before anyone says it’s just weed quit being a pussy, I have a very addictive personality, and I used weed to escape bad feelings. I’m very aware that’s all the wrong reasons to use, so please don’t lecture me about drugs. I know its bad. Weed destroyed my social life, and I don’t really have any friends anymore. For 6 years my only priority was getting high and escaping the reality of my situation. When me and my girl started dating and getting more serious beyond just friendship, I quit. She was aware of my past drug use, and always stuck by me and supported me through it. I told her I was done for good, and at that time, truly thought I was. 7 weeks later I relapsed, and I never told her about it because I didn’t want to let her down. Well one thing led to another and I was right back into it, doing it everyday, I started ditching her, making excuses, I really let it grab ahold of me again, which only made me feel worse. I hid the fact that I was smoking throughout our whole relationship, over a year! I always felt guilty and knew it was very wrong to keep hiding it from her. 1 week ago today I quit again because I knew I had too, And 2 days ago I kind of broke down and told her the whole story, how I lied to her, kept this secret. I couldn’t keep it all bottled up anymore. Obviously she is pretty upset, and that’s totally justified, I’m clearly in the wrong. But she has promised she loves me and help me get over it this time, together. We are very close, and have been for years so I never expected her to just pack her bags. My problem is, I care about her so much, and have always loved her, but since i told her what I had been doing, things seem different for me. She has reassured me she doesn’t feel any different, but for some reason i feel different. I feel like I don’t deserve her, the guilt and being shamed about it all is actually making me really unattracted to her. And I can’t pin point why. The past 2 days haven’t been fun, we haven’t been getting along and it’s kind of awkward for both of us. I’m confused on whether i want to stay with her and work on this problem, or just give her up and keep smoking. Sadly enough, the latter seems like the easier choice to me. But not the right choice. I’m still clean, but I want to smoke pretty badly. Life sober seems so hard, and I don’t necessarily know what to do or what to think. MY mind is this big storm of emotions and confusion and I really don’t know what I want. If I give her up I know I wont be happy, but im not happy now either. It seems the only time I am happy is when I’m high, but I know that’s wrong. I need some advice. Tell me what you guys would do, why do i feel so down, why am i pushing her away? Sorry for the length, but more info will help you grasp the situation better. Thanks a lot for any input.
Also, I DO want to quit using. I know its bad for me and it has destroyed some amazing aspects in my life. It’s the psychological addiction that has ahold on me. I have used weed as a friend, as my escape, as my “feel better when life is ****” drug. But I do want to quit.
-Lost

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Dear Lost,

In the end honesty is the best policy, I am glad that you were able to come clean. Addiction is something that unfortunately will be with you for a lifetime. I am not saying that you will use for that lifetime. What I mean to say is that if you recognize that you have an addictive personality then you will need to be mindful of what you involve yourself in. If you quit this and do not seek help you will invariably replace the addiction with something else. Generally, people who have an addiction problem either do not know or never learned how to cope with the stresses of life or they potentially could have a chemical imbalance so they “self-medicate”, and it’s a combination of both. I would recommend that you find a counselor that specializes in abuse and work on learning new behaviors to deal with the cravings. You can also join a support group such as Narcotics Anonymous (NA) or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I would also recommend that your girlfriend seek help as well. There are family and friend support groups such as Al-Anon. She can also check out “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beattie. You both will need support for this. And I know that it seems “easier” to just go get high. But you’ve already experienced loss by making that choice in the past. This will not be easy at first but over time it will get better. Good luck!

*If you have a questions or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

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