I have been in a relationship with my fiance for 6 years now, bought a house last year and have a 2 year old daughter. However, for some time now (on and off for about 3 years) I have been questioning how happy I truly am in this relationship. When I have been looking at other forums on the subject I find alot of people have to deal with abuse, divorce, affairs which is nothing like what I have to deal with and I feel abit silly for the things I do deal with and complain about. I hate the way he talks to me sometimes, he can be disrespectful (his father oftens talks to his mother this way so no doubt his upbringing obviously plays a part) he can be quite serious and is meticulous in cleaning as in he wants the house to be clean all the time. With me working part time and being a mother I find it difficult to do it to his standard all the time, let alone having his dinner on the table when he gets home from work. He snaps at me sometimes (especially when he has been without marijuana for a while – he is trying his best to quit this) and in general conversation he can get quite uptight and angry. He is not like this all the time but it is happening more as time goes on. I have spoken to him about these issues and have almost left the home a couple of times, things change for abit but then he reverts back to his ways. I know I should be happy as in a sense I have everything I wanted, a home, children, someone who I know will never cheat on me (I have been hurt in the past so this means a lot to me) but I just find myself not feeling the love I should anymore. We still have sex which is great when it happens but it can take abit of initiation on his part for me to be interested. When he’s being horrible, I just don’t feel like putting out but sometimes I do just to keep the peace and keep him happy. Apart from the above, he is generally a decent person. He works all week long, pays most of the household bills and I know if it came to it, he would do anything for me or our daughter. Despite this, I have been feeling this way for a long time now but just cannot seem to find the courage to go. It goes completely against my grain to have children and then split up and have a weekend father. I was brought up in this environment and both my sisters have had children with men and broken up. I promised myself that I would not let this happen to me and that the person I have children with is the person I would be with for life. So I am feeling extremely torn in my belief system and my happiness. I sometimes think of life alone with my daughter and feel a sense of relief but at the same time I think of him with someone else and it hurts. I know this is not the right reason to stay with someone and I do love him but I am quite indecisive in nature and am so worried that if I go and realise that I’ve made a mistake, that he will not take me back. This would be a huge regret and with my daughter to think about, is not a risk I can take unless I am absolutely sure it is what I want. My brain tends to be overactive and I find it extremely difficult to calm my thoughts long enough. I feel like I am thinking about it every day and it is exhausting. I just wish I knew what to do, make a decision and stick to it. If any one has any advice, I would love to hear from you.
-Unhappy

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Dear Unhappy,

I think a few things need to addressed first. Number one you should never have sex with someone just to keep the peace or make that person happy. The point of sex besides feeling nice is also to create an intimate and deeper bond between the two of you. By just giving in you are detaching yourself from the connection. This is not healthy. If you are both willing I highly recommend marriage counseling. It will help each of you figure out how to communicate, relate, and understand each other more effectively. If this is not an option for you then I would recommend you take care of yourself and your child. Otherwise, you are teaching your children (child) that being verbally/emotional abused is ok. It is good that you realize that your husband learned this behavior early on. A lot of people do not make that connection. The good news it can be changed and modified if he wants to change it. It will take some work on both of your parts but it can be accomplished. I hope you find peace and happiness.
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com
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