Is it wrong to give so much of myself into a relationship? And be bothered when I don’t get the same back? I am now in my mid 40’s. I have tried to find love and have enjoyed some wonderful relationships, including marriage, but have not yet found what I am looking for. In my present relationship, I am now living with a fellow whom I dated 15 years back. We reconciled after a long time, and I can say that we are generally content, in spite of our “situation”. I took him in after he lost his job, and I am currently encouraging him to find work, including writing up letters and finding job sites, etc… It is in my nature to help those I love. If in the worst situation, I will stand by my man, and be his pillar of support. I give him all that I am, all that I can do, I even run home after work because I WANT to be by his side. I’m a romantic, I believe in the songs that say, “I want to be with you everywhere, or I want to be your everything.” I believe in love that is undefeatable and in being together as soul mates, and standing by your loved one.
Unfortunately, I don’t ever get the same in return. Sure, I’ll get dinner cooked from time to time, the dishes washed, the yard cleaned. For a man, doing these things means to score BIG points. I understand, but for a woman like me, I need reassurance. I need to feel VALIDATED. If he goes out with his siblings or friends, it is ok… I know he doesn’t cheat. However, I want to be included in what he does. I want him to call me and say, “come join me”. I want him to want me near him. Lately we have been doing nothing. Our money is limited and well, we sit at home enjoying a good sitcom. This is ok with me, he’s home with me, and cares for me, but it’s when he goes out that he completely forgets about me! At least, I feel like he does. He’s out having a beer at the bar with his siblings as we speak. His brother always brings his girlfriend, always tied at the hip. His sister’s beau is working so he is not there. I have a 5 yr old son… does this restrict me from joining in?
Why doesn’t he call me to tell me he wants me there? Why doesn’t he show interest in me that way. He tells me he is always with me. Yeah, at home, not doing anything extraordinary or fun. We can’t afford it. But his siblings take him out, and I feel excluded.
He tells me I have separation anxiety? I just want to be with him in fun situations too. When he doesn’t include me, I feel disappointed, and it bothers me so much as to think that he doesn’t appreciate me nor want me there. It makes me feel like all that I do is worth nothing! It makes me feel that it’s unfair that I can give so much of myself, and he… can’t even think of me when he’s out with them. This doesn’t happen often, but we do end up in an argument over this “separation anxiety”. He says he doesn’t need to invite me, I’m family, and that I should feel free to join him where ever he is. That’s not right? Is it?
Am I making too much of this?? Am I expecting too much?? Why do I feel like this isn’t going to work out for me? I get upset each time and obsess with his lack of interest. The other day this happened about a week and a half ago. He was at his sister’s house across the street from my work. He forgot the time, they were in the garage enjoying a few beers. Same group of 4 people. I called him at the time I left my work, and he asks me “Why are you getting in the car?” … Little did he notice that it was time to go pick up my son. He knew that.. but I guess he was too busy not looking for work, partying it up with the siblings, and me working my *** off and going to take care of my responsibilities. It pisses me off and I need to know how to let this go. How do I let go of the dark, negative feeling I get when he doesn’t even notice enough to call or say, “Hey, I’m with my siblings, I will be home shortly”. Something.
I get so easily disappointed as I am helping him financially and emotionally. I have always been a helper. I have taken people in to help them when they need it. This time, its my boyfriend, and I expect him to live up to his promise, “I want to be there for you as your husband, friend, father and lover”.
Am I wrong to give so much of myself? And how do I just “ignore” this and not depend on him meeting my expectations??
Any good, serious advice is welcome. I’m getting tired of giving so much of myself, and feeling like I don’t get the same in return.
I think to some degree you are putting too much of yourself into this. And if you are a helper then you unfortunately will often be taken fore-granted. There is nothing wrong with standing beside someone when times are tough. But if the attention and care isn’t reciprocal then it’s just not worth it. He should include you in his outings but not all of them. And you too should make a point to spend time with others without including him. When we put everything we have into someone else a few things happen, we lose ourselves and we lose our ability to rationalize the bigger picture. However, on the same token it is definitely not ok that he is out boozing it up with family and friends all the time when he doesn’t have a job. I think if I were you I would start taking care of yourself and meeting your own needs. Then once you have some time away and around people who appreciate you then you can gain a better perspective the decision will be much clearer.
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