When you’re in love with someone and in a relationship for 13 years and find out they are not happy being with you, how do you not feel like a total loser?  I’ve always thought she was the kindest most tolerant and accepting person I’ve ever met.  If I can’t make it work with her, what hope is there for me?  How can I NOT feel like a piece of s***.  She loves me and wants me in her life, but is just not happy.  Now she wants to start dating again.  How does one handle something like this? Feeling like a total waste of space right now. I am the one still in love with her.  Her announcement that she wanted to split was a total shock to me.  She moved into a separate room, but we’ve been sharing a house for the last 8 months and it has been a living hell for me.  She is so excited to be moving on and I’m sitting here feeling like my whole world was ripped from under my feet. She had told me that I could stay as long as I wanted and that it would be a few years before she got her life together and would even consider dating.  Now she wants to start dating again and I can feel that it’s time for me to leave.  I feel like it’s just more promises not being kept.  What happened to commitment?  To working things out?  I’m just devastated, have never lived alone and feel totally left out in the cold.

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I understand that this is a hard time for you right now. Sometimes people grow apart unfortunately. It’s hard to find balance in life, family, careers, and self. It sounds like she loves you but has lost herself along the way. There are a few words that you have used that peak my interest- “tolerant” and “accepting”. What was it about your relationship that you think she needed to be tolerant of? We all have to bend somewhat for the other person but tolerant seems like a strong word choice. As for her, were there any signs that she was unhappy? Think back to when you first met and how happy she was and what she did when she was happy. Does she not involve herself within these activities anymore? What changed? 13 years is a long time for people to grow and experience life, is there anything that stands out? The crummy part about this whole thing is that it takes two to tango and one of the dancers wants to rest or dance with someone new that leaves the other person at a stand still. If you are emotionally able I would ask that she sit down with you and have a heart to heart and honest open moment. Somewhere in the mix of this communication wasn’t clear since this is such a big surprise to you. Through pain and heartache comes a valuable lesson. I would ask her what changed and what happened? You might not be able to change her mind but at least you will have a better idea of where it went wrong. Also, living alone might seem scary initally but it’s necessary for growth and learning about oneself. It’s unhealthy to flitter from one relationship to the next without providing pause to review the lessons that were provided. Give this time and reflection-the lessons will become clear and your heart will mend.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

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