Category: Abuse


We have been going out for one year both 19. We use to be perfect until this year when he suddenly started lying to me behind my back. From then on I started to trust him less and less to a point I would always feel uneasy when i wasnt with him.
I would always go through his phone and find texts from girls He had been signed up to several dating sites behind my back
He hangs out with girls who hate me
He lives with people who try break us up all the time. Im not even allowed over at his house because they wont let me in. whenever he is with me, they text him things like “don’t hang out with her.. come back to us” and he ditches me for them
He never sticks up for me I always had to pay for things and he would never pay. He didn’t even get me anything or plan anything for our one year anniversary. He ignores me for other people His room mates got him into weed so now he has become a stoner. HES A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON He treats me like **** So far I have deleted him off facebook, deleted his number and I have turned my phone off I have to see hm everyday in class so how do I cope?

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He doesn’t respect nor love you- he’s not worth your time nor your effort. He will regret this decision and the way that he treated you one day. He may never say or tell you but he will. You need to find things that make you happy and bring you peace right now. Pick up an old hobby or a new one. You’d be amazed how much you can get down when you are trying to distract yourself from heartache. Also, since you are in school focus on becoming the best person that you can be. Someday someone will recognize what a great person you are and won’t take you foregranted like he has. Keep your head up

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Everything seemed normal about him, until the day I switched high schools. At first I noticed I would see his car parked in places where I walk frequently. I immediately was caught off guard, but I later convinced myself I was imagining things. A few months later, I was able to get a better look at who was inside the car; at that point I knew for sure it was him. For months, he would sit in his car; watching me, as I walked past his car to catch the bus everyday. He started appearing at every bus stop I would wait at and then it progressed to him following me to every job that I had. Within that time he was also able to find out where I lived; this went on for a total of 2 years. I kept trying to convince myself, that this will end, and that he will get bored stalking me– he never did. There would be periods where I would not see him (2 to 3 months time frame) then he would start stalking me again. He continued to stalk me the following year, not once making any effort to confront me or “talk”. When i then decided to go to college, he managed to find out the college i ended up attending (he followed my parents as they drove me to the college). Everyday after my classes, he would drive all the way down from our home town, to my college (1hr 30min drive). I was always one step ahead of him, so i pretty much predicted he would show up there. Before he found out the college i attended, i scanned the parking lots and took a guess at which one he most likely would appear at. A few months later i saw his car, sitting in the parking lot (the one i predicted he would be at). Again, I kept trying to convince myself that this will end and that he will stop- he never did. I was so overwhelmed by the stress of him stalking me, that i ended up having panic attacks every time i would walk to my classes. I soon stopped going and ended up withdrawing from the college. I was only in college for a year, but he really messed up my life. I am now having to complete my studies online.
Things were looking good for a while, I would go out with my friends and to parties, I did not see him in his car anywhere close by. A few months later I ended up getting a really good job at an office firm. I was really beginning to think the stalking days were over; I would drive to work and scan the area and never once did I see him in his car. I figured, since I did not see his car, he moved on from stalking me.. 3 Months later into my job I see him sitting in his car in my work parking lot (a new car he ended up buying, which is why I did not realize he was watching me, only until he made his appearance at my work parking lot.), just watching me. At that point, I realized he was never going to quit, this has been going on for 5 plus years. Due to stress, panic attacks and fear, I ended up quitting my job today. He showed up at my house recently as well (he stood outside my house for a while, until finally ringing the doorbell), I guess he was getting inpatient since he realized I am not leaving the house as much. I am starting to slowly lose my friends. All the guys who i begin to see, quickly lost interest in me, once they figured out my fear of going out places and being stalked by him again. My stalker has basically ruined what should have been the best years of my life. We are both in our early 20’s and I just don’t know how to go about dealing with this anymore. I don’t want to have this continue to go on for the rest of my life! I have told family members and friends, but since I did not take pictures or evidence they basically think i have gone crazy. The only person I have for support is my best friend, she is the only one who believes me. I would have taken pictures and proof if I knew he was never going to stop, but unfortunately he hasn’t. I have 5 years of him stalking me and zero proof. I figured after 2 or 3 years he will get bored, but he never did.
Note: I knew him from school, he was only an acquaintance. We never even dated! and this is how he acts
** I would have taken pictures but I thought he would stop! I never would of imagined that someone that I grew up with.. would behave this way? He liked me in highschool but nothing ever became of us.. I always found him to be strange in his approach. I ended up switching high schools and this is what happens!

 

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First, tell him directly in public, in a respectful manner to leave you alone and that he needs to move on. If he persists, start taking pictures, set it up to where you can use a buddy system so that you aren’t alone/have witness to the stalking, and file charges. You can get a restraining order on him. Have you ever directly asked him to stop and to leave you alone? You need to regain control of your life and your privacy. He sounds like a disturbed individual. Because you have done nothing he assumes that is what you will continue to do. You need to stand up for yourself. Here are a few links that might be of some help:
http://www.ncvc.org/src/Main.aspx

http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/whatnot.…

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

I have a daughter with him, and so he could be closer to his job, I moved into his house, an hour from my family & friends. He never wants me visiting my family because he doesn’t like them, and has nothing nice to say about my family whatsoever. Because we live at his house, I don’t know anyone & have no friends. Whenever we do visit my house, we always have to leave early, and there always seems to be a reason why we can never visit. While my family has made an effort to get to know him, he makes no effort at all. He doesn’t like any of my friends so I never get to go out. He gets furious when I will treat myself to a coffee or something saying we don’t have money for it, yet he spends all the money he makes on drugs. I am a stay at home mom, and he took money out of my account I’d saved up and spent on drugs. I now have overdraft fees and he will not help me out with them at all. My parents are giving me money, and I always seem to be paying for things, yet he is the one with a job. He constantly picks fights, then says it was my fault we argued. I cook, clean, and take care of our daughter, but he says I’m lazy because I don’t have a job. Asking him for help is useless, it only causes an argument because he considers it “bitching” and according to him, that’s all I ever do. He has a terrible temper, and punches holes in walls, throws things, and yells and curses at me constantly. A month ago, he pushed me so hard I fell into a lamp and broke it, and he made me replace it. I’m starting to feel used, controlled, and unappreciated. What should I do? How do I set boundaries with him?

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It’s time to let go and move back to your friends and family. You will need all the support you can get. Your baby’s father is an addict and because he has no control over himself he chooses to control you. You and your daughter deserve better and he needs to realize that by losing both of you. I am not saying that it cannot get better- but you definitely need to remove yourself from him until he is clean. I would recommend you start attending Al-anon meetings and talking with more people who are experiencing the same thing as you. Addiciton is a selfish disease- don’t let him ruin your life and the life of your child. He is putting you both at risk. It can get better- but you will need to tell him it’s all or none- and if he chooses to continue to use that is his loss.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about three years. When we first started dating, I told her that I was sexually abused during my childhood. I do not disclose this to just anyone, I have only recently told my mother. However, I would like to be able to talk to her openly about it. I don’t try to hide it or avoid the conversation, I just don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know where to begin or what to say. She doesn’t have any suggestions, as she doesn’t know how to quite handle this. Could someone please give us insight on how to go about this and to get it on the table. I would very much like for her to know what happened and how I fell, but every time we try to discuss it, we both hit a brick wall and are left speechless about it. We don’t have the finances nor the time for counseling either. I would like for her to be as involved in the conversation just as much as I would be, I don’t want to be the only one talking and her just listening to me ramble. Any insight or suggestions are welcome. Thank you.

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I feel that it is right for you to discuss this and get it off your chest. Sometimes it takes us a while to process a traumatic event and then to have the courage to discuss it. It is good that you wish to disclose this information to your girlfriend but at the same time it may change the light in which she see you. I am not saying that you shouldn’t tell her but maybe not all of the details. I know that you mentioned the cost of a counselor might be too steep. There should be local support groups that are free and there are some on the web as well. If you can later afford one I highly recommend it. Then maybe over time your girlfriend can go with you to one of the family/friend support groups. Sometimes when we know someone has been hurt so badly there really isn’t much too say that can comfort nor make it better. But in a group setting you will have more people who understand and can relate personally.

* If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

I’m 19 weeks pregnant, been together 5 years and it’s been a volatile relationship. I had made up my mind to leave at new year. but on new years eve I discovered im pregnant. I never thought I could get pregnant as I tried for 8 years with my ex husband and then me and my partner never used any protection for 5 years. the doctor told me i would need IVF or treatment to have kids. So I’m happy but feeling nervous that my relationship isn’t 100% reliable. my partner has a temper sometimes and brings up the past when he has a drink. he can be jealous and paranoid about the most innocent things.

We spent the Easter weekend seeing family and I was happy. once again he caused tension and thought I was talking about him and said I had humiliated him over something trivial. I cried all evening, my family have had enough of him and on top of that I’m so aware that I can’t get stressed otherwise I might harm my baby.

Then last night I could sense he was going to have a go at me, he had had a beer and started moaning about my family. i started crying and told him i cant handle the way he is and a baby. i left and went to my aunt’s house. I do love him otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed 5 years. we do have some great times, we share so many passions and after all these years we still have an extremely passionate relationship.

I’m just fed up of his behaviour towards me, his jealousy and lack of trust in me. We can be having a great day but then he will just flip.

What do I suggest to make this work? What do I do? Should I try for the baby? All I’ve ever wanted was a family but I’m so gutted that now I have my miracle baby I don’t have a good partner to share these times with. It’s so sad. I sometimes wonder why this baby was sent to me now, when it seems like my relationship is so difficult.

Would counselling work? What should I do? should I give him one last chance or do this on my own now? It also breaks my heart that if i leave he will go on to meet other women, its so hard to know what to do!

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Congrats for your little blessing. A baby is a huge responsibility and it sounds like your partner can’t take care of himself let alone you right now. If you were planning on leaving in the first place it’s because it’s the best decision for you and your safety. I think a parent should be involved in their child’s life but that doesn’t mean that the parents have to be together if there is no future between the two of them. I would separate from him and tell him that you have a responsibility to this unborn child and it’s overall well-being. That you want him to be a part of the baby’s life but only if he is able to commit to a clean/sober life. Counseling is a great option. If you still want to make this work for the two of you (not just the baby) then great. If it’s just for the baby you are just prolonging the inevitable. Sometimes when people are given a choice and realize they have a responsibility they do shape up. But this is up to him you will have no control over his actions. In asking him to seek help and take care of himself isn’t being unfair or asking too much. You have the child’s best interest at heart. Since you have family members who have seen this behavior they can vouch for you. It will be shaky but you’ve wanted a baby for so long and it’s here now- how you choose to proceed is up to you.
 
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com
 
My family some of the most annoying human beings I’ve ever metMy mother: Probably the worse always complains and criticizes me will never let me say anything or do anything without making comments and just in-general puts me down she is stupid ignorant hypocritical and two faced

My dad: Half the time he is drunk and just can’t shut up always talks loudly on the phone never stays true to promises puts me down and saying I’m going to be a failure in life and pretty much only wants me to be an author because he was a failure in his own life

So hypocritical and just god-damn ignorant and annoying

My brother: Annoying that’s it just annoying his friends are annoying he’s annoying and he is dumb

I just cannot wait to move out- but until then how do I endure this frustrating family?

 
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We are only blessed to have one family but we can choose who are friends are. I understand that you are frustrated but even in all of this I am sure at SOME point and possibly multiple points you have had positive experiences with each of them. You wouldn’t be here without them- I am not agreeing with them putting you down or belittling you. I would suggest that you try and find a “second” family in those around you such as friends. Those that can be supportive and compassionate. Just be patient and I am sure given time you will be able to move out.
 
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com
 

First of all I am 31 and she is 29. I started dating my friend the last 4 months and we always had an amazing friendship. we would always joke around about getting married and having kids. she would do it a lot to the point that i didn’t know if she liked me or not. little by little  I started having a crush on her and told her how I felt towards her and we decided to start dating. months later I learned that she never saw me like more than a friends. this is something she said. I was devastated because here I am thinking she felt the same from the start and she didn’t.

I can honestly say im guilty at the fact she ended things between us. I am a very affectionate person and she is not. she is very reserved when it comes to showing how she feels and I felt so weird. I felt I had no need to tell her to be more affectionate with me but I did. so finally last monday she sent me a text saying she couldn’t do it no more. because no matter what she felt she was not good enough for me because she couldn’t offer the affection I needed. I was devastated that she gave up on me on us. it was sad because she was just not another girl she was a dear friend for the last 4 years. On Tuesday she sent me another text saying she didn’t want to give up on me and my reply was: you can’t do this to people you can’t tell them you don’t want to be with them and then tell them you don’t want to lose them.

Thursday I get another text from her asking what I would do different if we could continue dating? And my reply was that I would not doubt where her heart is and wouldn’t push her to be more affectionate. that she is just simply more reserved when it comes to that.

Today is Sunday and I havent heard from her…. it feels that she is just dragging me along because she doesn’t know what to do. I don’t want to call her and ask her if she made a decision already because i know her and she will probably say that she has a life and that she was been busy.

I just feel that if she cares about me she wouldn’t be putting me off like if im just another option and that she will contact me when she is not going to bars or clubs with her friends.

I care about her a lot but I also have dignity and im not sure if I can keep this up. I shouldn’t be just another option if she wants this to work but I honestly feel like she will talk to me whenever she is not out or just bored. I don’t know what to do.

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Sometimes friends are better as friends and sometimes it’s the perfect fit. I think you both need space and to figure out what is really is that you want in someone else relationship wise. People receive/perceive affection/love differently for some it might be words of affirmation, physical gifts, etc. This has the potential to work you both just need to find and willing to word towards balance. I would tell her that first you don’t want to lose your friendship. And that you do truly care for her and want what is best for each of you. That you are willing/or not willing to try again. Just be honest with your feelings if it’s meant to be it will be.
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

My little brother and his wife have a bad custody battle going on. There are accusations on both sides, some are true some arn’t. Proven facts: they both have ahistory of depresson and suicide attempts. They both have a history of alcohol abuse. His wife has a domestic violence conviction against him. He has a history of a bad temper and he hit his father in law and threatened to kill his friend. I am worried because I don’t want him to lose custody to his ex wife but he keeps effing up. He can’t afford to pay her child support and he does not have a job. Right now his wife has to pay him child support. Could this change? What can I do to help him?

-Concerned Brother
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Dear Concerned Brother,

There is only so much that you can do here. The actions should be coming from your brother and his wife not you. I am not sure how much you want to be involved. You could help him get clean and start going to anger management courses, and/or you could petition to take custody of the children on your brother’s behalf. But that is a MAJOR life changing decision and would also mean that you would be putting yourself in the middle of this drama. But at the same time these kids are innocent victims of the selfishness of their own parents. You can also check out Al-Anon support groups for yourself and the kids if they are old enough. Some chapters have younger children support groups.

Why doesn’t my dad love me? He never acts like he’s proud of me no matter what I do. He is very selfish and always,accuses me of being the selfish one, which I can be sometimes but not as bad as him. He always tells me I’m a burden to him and he calls me a bi*ch all the time. Sometimes he acts like he is going to hit me. Why does he hate me? I thought all fathers loved their kids?

-Desperate for my Father’s Love

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Dear Desperate,

Your dad was probably raised the same way that he treats you. This doesn’t excuse his behavior. It could just be a repeated pattern. Sometimes people just don’t understand the dynamic of love nor how to show affection. You are deserving of love and appreciation just as much as he is and should have received as well. You cannot change his past, but you certainly can change and shape your future. Find strength within yourself and knowing that you are doing the best that you can do for yourself and your future. Then one day when you have children you will be able to provide them the love and attention that your father is incapable of providing you now.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at: honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Ashamed & Angry

I’ve been denying this for awhile now. Im too ashamed and embarrassed to tell my therapist – I do trust her but I’m very embarrassed to let anyone else know.

I recently left someone that abused me emotionally mentally and physically. Around five months ago, he took advantage of me. He forced himself in me while I was slightly under the influence. I thought I could feel safe with him, I stayed at his place and took the couch but he forced himself on me. I didn’t want it at all and the next day I confronted him and he denied it and said I wanted it that I enjoyed it. Deep down I knew what he did and I was terrified to do anything about it. I secretly hate myself and am slightly angry at myself for letting it happen. I used wishful thinking to subside what really happened, for awhile it worked but as the relationship continued his true colors showed. He became controlling, jealous, manipulative. I got so fed up I left him, this week will be the second week of not being with him. I’m really trying to turn myself around. After I left it felt good I felt better and for a whole i felt confident, I began taking steps to achieve my self esteem and confidence back..went out with friends you name it. He recently contacted me and since than I’ve been also getting reoccurring nightmares with him being the theme. One nightmare where I keep running and he manages to find me, lock me up, rape me, promise not to leave him etc. And ask me to listen to his apologies and I end up escaping but it repeats itself. Another nightmare where he is in my house – I keep locking my door and I return to it being unlocked, and than I find a note written by him in the cabinet. I had 3 nightmares in one day, one this morning, each time I wake up frozen, my body is frozen, and I cant move I need assistance trying to be unfrozen.

I never have nightmares. Until this month and especially since I left him. And now I feel angry at myself for letting him do those things to me. Advice?

-Ashamed & Angry

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Dear Ashamed & Angry,

I am sorry that you had to experience such a traumatic event, however you leaving him is the best thing that you ever could have done for yourself. You are a victim of rape- a victim- this was NOT your fault. You were under the influence and not completely coherent plus you were with someone that you thought you could trust. Don’t be mad at yourself,  this person took advantage of you, which is not ok. You most likely are having nightmares because you have not yet come to terms with this incident. Your therapist is there for you for a reason, you have to be honest with them and yourself if you want this wound to heal. There also websites that are available for support: http://www.aftersilence.org/

* If you have a topic or wish to submit a question please email me at:
honestgoodadvice@gmail.com