Category: Family


She moved in next to us with her family we live in a townhouse and our fence is only 5 feet tall so she has been out all summer in string bikinis which leave very little to the imagination and I have noticed that my husband who used to hate the sun has been outside in our yard more than ever doing “yard work” which he never really like doing either,I know he is looking at her cause I could see this from our upstairs bedroom window.¬† I mentioned it to him and he said I was crazy and all men look but don’t stare. Well maybe they do but 30 years younger seems a little too much and its driving me crazy I know I will never look like her again I am short and a little overweight and I have had 4 children so my body is ruined and she is tall, dark blonde and gorgeous and I really wish my husband would respect my feelings.

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All men and women look. If the neighbor were a male and drop dead goregous you can’t say that you wouldn’t peak either! I believe that your insecurities are getting the best of you. Your husband is married to you, he loves and finds you attractive, you have 4 beautiful children. You might not look like her, but you have something she doesn’t- your husband. Let him oggle…it’s not like you need to be concerned I doubt your 18 year old neighbor has much interest in him. And it’s ok to look at beautiful things and appreciate them, it’s another to want to take advantage of them. Focus on things that make you happy that include him. It sounds like you might need to get back into courting one another again ūüôā Just cause it’s lost for the moment doesn’t mean it cannot be found yet again.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

I am seeing my 13 year old after 5 years. (The mother took her overseas and reprogrammed her)? My daughter and I have just connected over the phone and she is very genuine and looks forward to seeing me soon.¬† The mother just got remarried. I am overwhelmed with emotions I don’t know what to say to her?

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If she is excited to see you then it sounds like your ex couldn’t have “reprogrammed” her as much as you might think. Tell her the truth that you’ve missed her dearly and that you love her very much. Once you set something up to meet with her, ask her what her favorite food is, take her to an age appropriate movie, go bowling. Try do activities that you think she might enjoy but also allow you the time to talk with her and get to know her better. Also it’s ok to be nervous and to even be honest with your feelings with her (as long as they are about you and her and not how upset you are about your ex/her mother) It’s about your relationship with her not about bashing her mom. Just focus on getting to know her better and enjoying your time with her ūüôā

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

I am married¬†to a narcissistic, verbally abusive man, who seemed to get way worse after our daughter was born.¬† He is very controlling, drinks a lot, doesn’t want to work (does but complains about it), and expects me to pick up the slack for everything (like his child support).¬† He always accuses me of cheating on him.¬† Nothing I do is ever right, I never do anything good enough, I can’t seem to do enough.¬† Anyway, I wanted some insight from people who have been through this.¬† I want to leave, but get sick when I think about my little one year old having to spend time with him.¬† It scares me!¬† I know she has to have a relationship with her dad, but I just want her to be safe.¬† Is it better to stay until she gets older or leave and let her have stability and normalcy with me in a separate household?

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There is no stability and normalcy in the relationship now from what you have described. I would suggest taking care of yourself for the sake of you and for the sake of your daughters well being. Having a child is a blessing but also a responsibility. If he is not up for the task no sense¬†in waiting around for him to figure it out. I agree with you a child does need their father/mother in their¬†lives but sometimes if that person isn’t well or has personal issues then it’s best to remove the child. Children are impressionable and innocent they should be guarded from any negative influences. I would suggest you do what is best for you which will in turn be what is best for the child in this case.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

People get so upset with me if I forget to take my cell phone with me or if I call back without listening to their voicemail first. A phone is a phone not my life and not my leash. I like being “out of pocket” every once in a while. It’s crazy how people respond “What if something happens and someone needs to get a hold of you?!” Then I’ll get it when I look at my phone or it’ll fall the way that it’s meant to be. But I don’t have to be hooked up to my phone 24/7. It’s scary how dependent most people have become to thier cell phones. I love mine don’t get me wrong but I would rather engage in face to face interaction or spend quality time with you rather than be at¬†your beck and call ūüėČ

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Enjoy the read:

There was something to be said for the old-fashioned landline, with a handset so bulky, you had to tuck it between your neck and shoulder to get your hands free. They didn‚Äôt ‚ÄĒ couldn‚Äôt ‚ÄĒ go everywhere with us. Now we‚Äôre tethered to our mobiles ‚ÄĒ addicted, even. They‚Äôve become handy tools for avoidance, and it‚Äôs our children who are getting the bad end of the deal.

All around me, I see parents with their babies and toddlers and young kids ‚ÄĒ but not with them. The grownups are on the phone. The dad pushing his son on the swing set while hands-free on his mobile isn‚Äôt really with his child. The mom pushing her baby in a pram while she‚Äôs yakking on the phone isn‚Äôt really with her child.

The kids aren‚Äôt too happy about it. They‚Äôre pulling on their parents‚Äô clothes. They‚Äôre yanking on their arms. They‚Äôre acting out to get attention. I‚Äôve heard them begging their parents to stop, disconnect. I‚Äôve watched children start to whimper the minute the mobile is picked up ‚ÄĒ off the dinner table. During dinner. The son of a friend of mine recently announced, at age 10, that he hates cell phones. Actually, he will tell you he hates technology. IPads don‚Äôt fool him. Neither does texting. He understands that his father can never get away from his work ‚ÄĒ and the office won‚Äôt get away from his father. He sees the phone, and he thinks, I‚Äôve lost my dad‚Äôs attention. And that‚Äôs what children crave: attention. We all do.

Parents have to break the phone habit before it is too late. I‚Äôm not talking about getting extreme here ‚ÄĒ no phone calls around a child, ever. But I am talking about giving more thought to all the missed opportunities for communicating with a child. For simply being with her. Quietly. I was pleased to find the blog of a young mother from Alabama, Rachel Stafford, who has started an aptly titled campaign called Hands Free Mama, encouraging parents to put away the tech toys and be present with their children.

Is being a parent boring? Sometimes. Lots of times. And guess what.

Read more: http://ideas.time.com/2012/05/17/why-cell-phones-are-bad-for-parenting/#ixzz1znFaDXYo

A topic that has been brought up among many people is if I remarry will and how will it affect my children. As a product of divorce and remarriage¬†from a¬†child’s perspective¬†I can understand the hesitancy. The thing is at the end of the day if you love someone and they want to be with you they will need to learn to accept all of you. If this includes kids and pets then so be it. But on the same token I would suggest you tread lightly when it comes to introducing the kids to this new found love. I can tell you that initally I was upset that my mother had decided to remarry and felt as though she were attempting to replace my exisiting father. Mind you I was 12 years old and your scope of understanding life, marriage, and divorce is a bit skwed. Now as an adult I learned that he is a much better husband for her than my dad was. Sometimes things just don’t work or other things in life take over and we loose sight of marriage. It does happen and there is no one person to blame it’s a work in progress pretty much from the point you say “I do” until the day “death do us part”. But as for the topic of how will it affect my children. In many ways and they will all be different because we all deal differently with change. If my mom were to remarry the same person she is with now today I would be happy very happy for her. But that’s because I’m older and have a better idea of how marriage and life works. Not an all knowing view…but much better than a 12 year old who thought she did know all¬†ūüėČ I think the best thing you can do is be open and honest with your child. Tell them you love them very much and that so does thier mom/dad. But sometimes people fall out of love but it doesn’t affect the love that they have for the child. And you can further solidify that now they will have even more love by adding a new spouse to the mix. ūüôā Just know that anytime there is an adjustment for anyone regardless of age there will be push back and uncomfort. It’s just human nature. But know that given time and with patience they will come around and learn to appreciate those in thier lives. Will¬†it¬†affect them¬†yes, but the¬†real question is how and that depends on how you and your new spouse decided to approach it ūüôā

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

My husband and I have been separated¬†2 months now and I can’t understand wtf¬†is going on with him. It baffles me that it was and has been so easy for him to leave our marriage and our daughter. He’s been acting differently and saying different things so I can’t make any sense of what is going on through his head. Since he left he’s been running around with his friends hanging out with them all the time and getting drunk (rather than¬†seeing our daughter) and he’s making it seem like he’s not even willing to try and¬†work things out. We have both mutually decided to come up with and sign a separation agreement (with our lawyers) and have both agreed that at this time we don’t want to file for divorce, just a separation agreement so everything with child support and all that is on paper. I’ve asked him if he would consider giving us a chance to work things out instead of just throwing our marriage away like it meant nothing and he keeps saying he will have to think about it. Yesterday was so hard for me because I had offered if he wanted to come over and grill with me and our daughter after the parade in town and he said he didn’t have any plans so he’d think about it and then when he came to see our daughter at the parade he told me he’d be going to his friends house¬†for a bbq. I honestly don’t know if I expected him to come but it hurt that he’s choosing his friends over our daughter even though he’s been doing that since he left. If it were just me and him I would have told him to go f*ck himself and not even bothered trying because of the way he has been acting¬†but it’s not just me and him, it’s me and him and our daughter and I feel like for her sake he should at least try. The reasons we separated in the first place are trivial and are all stupid little things that can be¬†worked out but he just doesn’t seem to give a sh*t. He says and does different things that confuse me, one day he’ll say certain things and act like he wants to get back together and the next day he’s saying different things and acting differently and I don’t know what to do anymore. Why in the world is it so damn easy for him to not even care? To just walk away from his family and not even seem willing to try and¬†work things out? I’ve tried explaining that we should at least try before he just throws our marriage away but he doesn’t seem to want to hear it, but on the other hand he doesn’t want to file for divorce, just separation which gets me even more confused. Our daughter is now 13 months old and I’ve hardly ever asked him for anything. He worked so I could stay home with her so I was always the one doing everything for her. I never once asked him to get up with her (although he couldn’t anyway since I breastfed), I never asked him to change diapers or bathe her or do anything. The only thing I ever asked of him was to watch her to watch her while I showered and to mow the lawn and take the garbage out.

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I think what really needs to be¬†asked here is what exactly do you want? It appears that you wish for him to take the relationship more seriously for the sake of your new child. However, you have no control nor say on how he chooses to decide or not to decide to spend time with her. I would recommend giving him space and focusing more on your childs well being. If he decides to be¬†absent then he will eventually regret¬†this decision. However, it is not your place to help him learn this valuable lesson. In my opinion I do not believe in separation at least in this case. It appears that he has no idea what he wants and maybe was not ready for an 18 year commitment to a new child. Not everyone is cut¬†out for parenthood. I’m not excusing his behaviour however did he show any signs before and during your pregnancy that might reflect¬†his actions today? I would tell him that either he wants to be¬†a part of his child’s life or he doesn’t. And then I would give him the divorce papers. I’m not saying ever keeping your child from their¬†father. This should be available to him at anytime (and if needed with supervision) but it sounds like he was never really present to begin with and you are hoping for a new behaviour that never existed in the first place.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

My sister wants to divorce her husband.¬† They have a daughter who just turned 18.¬† The daughter has some money in a savings account.¬† The account is under both my nieces¬†and sisters names because she was a minor when the account was established.¬† It’s quite a bit of money, my niece¬†saved up her birthday money, babysitting, odd jobs and so on.¬† My sister is afraid her husband will try to take half of it in the divorce.¬† She wants to get a non-interest bearing checking account for her daughter. The account will be in her daughters name¬†using her daughters social security number.¬† My sisters name wont be anywhere on the account.¬† She wants to transfer all the money into the new account and close the old one before starting the divorce.¬† My sister also wants me to be¬†on the account as the beneficiary only.¬† She said by doing this, her soon to be¬†ex, wont be able to touch any of the money.¬† Since their daughter is now an adult, he can’t touch her funds.¬† I’m not so sure about that.¬† Is this true?

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I would advise your niece to take care of this on her own. Since the money is hers there is no need for you nor your sister to be involved in the transferring/beneficiary process. The concern is that if your sister decides to turn this into a big ordeal she will make it appear as though she is trying to hide money from her soon to be ex. When in the end what is right is that it is the daughters money and hers alone. She needs to move it to her own account and claim sole responsibility over her assets.

I want to know what the world would be like if i just vanished.¬† I honestly think that i am a waste of space, and i the world wouldn’t be any different without me, My parents think all i do is complain, and i am just lazy. I am honestly not. They don’t understand how much i do for them. I am always there for them even if i dont want to. I always get the short end of the stick when it come to situations. I feel like they expect me to follow the stereotypical expectations of a women. Im 15 , and forever will be a tomboy. I love sports, and hanging out. but they want me cooped up in the house cleaning and cooking. I always get the comment, “Sit like a lady, act like a lady, go help mom clean, cook” i honestly cant take it anymore. I dont know what i will do. please help

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It would be a world that would be empty of your smiling face and the happiness that you bring to those around you. I do not think that your parents intentionally focus on repremanding you. Generally speaking when people act a certain way or treat others a certain way it’s because that is what they learned or were treated as well. This doesn’t make it right nor ok but it does allow you to step back and realize that this is a process and a repeated pattern. It can be changed but only if they want to change it. And you also must realize that there are so many things in this world to be grateful for. What we choose to focus on in our lives affect our feelings and thoughts. Instead of focusing on the negatives that are around you what are the positives? I have a roof over my head, although my parents nag me about things it’s because they love me, I have food available to me when I am hungry etc. There is so much more in this world that could be so much worse. I understand that you don’t feel appreciated nor respected so be honest with those feelings. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own thoughts and feelings we don’t realize what else is going on around us? Have your parents been stressed as of late? What’s going on in thier lives right now? I would sit down with them and in a non-confrontational way tell them how you are feeling and how sometimes when they talk to you or mention something it hurts your feelings. Communication and being open will help this situation.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

What is wrong with a wife that marries a man that doesn’t want to work? In contrary, what is wrong with a woman that wants a man that can’t provide for his family, and she wants to be the provider?¬† Does it make her feel in control?¬† I have a sister like this, and she loves it that she’s a provider and that he does not provide for his family. One response is this: That’s fine if the wife is the breadwinner and makes the money. More power to her. But, it is only natural for a man to work and be a provider. It is instinct, just like it is for a woman to be a mother. If he can’t do that his self-esteem goes down, thus feeling less of a man. Anybody else have opinions?

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I do not believe there is anything wrong with a woman being the bread winner or supporting the family compared to a man. I think that the relationship and it’s dynamics are dependent upon the two people involved. If that is what works for them so be it. It’s their lives and their choice to how they work out the logistics. Many times people put to much weight into what is “natural instinct” yes we have them but at the same time each of us is different. If being at home and taking care of the household needs is his perogative then thats great. It’s a lot of work so it’s not like he wouldn’t truly be “working”. We all need a purpose in our lives and if that means working to provide or working to maintain the household whatever works is still a purpose and has a meaningful impact.
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

I do not wish to create a political debate but at the same time I do believe it best to state my opinions just as much as everyone else does. When I was very young my mother always taught me to follow the golden rule. It’s simple, it’s basic, yet it’s powerful and can be applied to all things.¬†And of course in this case it is no¬†different.¬†I respect that other people may practice their religions or their view points. I have no problem with this and if this is your truth¬†whatever it may be¬†then that is what is right for you. Because we are all individuals, we all crave two things at the end of the day regardless of race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, and that is love and acceptance. True love and acceptance is a rarity because we all at some point have become jaded to some degree with the poisons of those who do not understand or are fearful of the unknown. We do not understand what we are not willing to know or be open to. I respect Todd’s opinion and¬†know that acceptance is a two way¬†street. However at the same time I do not think it fair to say that “gay marriage” is “wrong”. This is from an excerpt that he includes and he does¬†later mention¬† ‘ Nietszche said ‚ÄúYou have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.‚ÄĚ ‘ And I believe that Nietszche was on to something that many of us forget. No one is ever truly right…but at the same token I believe that we must strive for what is right for us as individuals and accept that we will not always¬†agree. And also realize that we all have our own path and our own pace in life.¬† For most of my life I have been great friends with people who just happen to be¬†“homosexual”. But it’s funny to me because I never called them nor thought of them as specifically being “that”. I just think of them are wonderful and fun people that¬†happen to prefer the same sex. And¬†who knows you could even take it a step further and think of it as they have the capacity¬†to love all regardless of sex. ¬†And to me, why and how would that affect my life… It doesn’t, never has, and never will. I prefer to surround myself with honest, loving, and good hearted¬†people. And if that is what you are then we will get along. That’s it, plain and simple. ¬†I’ll take it a step further, what if I am liberal and don’t want to be¬†friends with democrats nor republicians? Well…then I’ve just cut myself off from people who might be smart, witty, fun, interesting, or that might make¬†the perfect friend. It’s the same for people¬†whom fear homosexuality, political affliation,¬†race, etc. By allowing ourselves to either ignore these “types” of people or by singling them out we are projecting our own fears onto others. And fear comes from a lack of understanding and a degree of ignorance. Todd I believe that you should attend your brother-in-laws reception because you love him despite the fact that he may love someone else that is of the same sex. And because you feel the way you do about the event who’s to say that he did not¬†invite you both to the wedding out of respect to your view point¬†but wanted you to be¬†included so instead he opted for the reception only?¬†¬†This shouldn’t be about supporting just your wife, it’s about supporting someone you love regardless if you don’t always agree. And who knows you might get to know his partner and find out why he’s so smitten.¬† ūüôā We all, myself included, need to learn that we are all human we all live, learn, and love in whatever ways work best for us, and we all have the capacity to love, accept, and respect one another, but the choice to do so is ours alone.

 

Bright, shiny objects!

This is a tough issue for me brought on by an upcoming event in our family. My gay brother-in-law is getting joined in a civil union ‚ÄĒ sorry, but I can‚Äôt quite bring myself to use the word ‚Äėmarried‚Äô yet ‚ÄĒ and we have been invited to the reception, not the ceremony. I have mixed feelings about this event; ¬†I don‚Äôt know if I can really ‚Äėcelebrate‚Äô it but I‚Äôm thinking about going to support my wife. In the past, I would have refused to attend on principle but as a recovering conservative Christian ‚Äėliving in the gray‚Äė I am considering input from all sides. Recently, John Piper posted this Christian conservative perspective on relating to gay family members‚Ķ

Is there hope for a relationship with a family member who is not a believer and is in a same-sex relationship, and who knows your Christian position?

Yes…

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