Category: Marriage


I have been divorced for a many years now. Certain behaviors caused me to believe she was cheating on me when we were together. I would kiss her and think she smelled like another man. I beleive we just have the instinct to  know, even though I did my best to convince myself I was just paranoid. Then she started running around to bars at night, etc.., yet claims to be innocent. Yet, when a man she is with exhibits such behavior che cries foul!! Now in my last long term relationship I noticed the same concerns, and she absolutely was cheating on me. But my ex has never confessed, and I never saw direct evidence that she was. She has been in two relationships that I know of since we broke up, and both guys she claims have been cheating on her. I wonder if they saw the same signs in her that I saw, and believed her to be cheating on them, when in fact she just exhibits all of the signs of a cheater but doesn’t cheat. Is that possible or just highly unlikely?

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At the end of the day you will never know if she cheats or not. She might enjoy the attention of other men but might not have ever cheated, she might have. If you are no longer with her then it’s time to let it go. The past is in the past for a reason, if she chooses to cheat then she is just creating her own karma. It’s time to let this go and move forward with your life.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

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She moved in next to us with her family we live in a townhouse and our fence is only 5 feet tall so she has been out all summer in string bikinis which leave very little to the imagination and I have noticed that my husband who used to hate the sun has been outside in our yard more than ever doing “yard work” which he never really like doing either,I know he is looking at her cause I could see this from our upstairs bedroom window.  I mentioned it to him and he said I was crazy and all men look but don’t stare. Well maybe they do but 30 years younger seems a little too much and its driving me crazy I know I will never look like her again I am short and a little overweight and I have had 4 children so my body is ruined and she is tall, dark blonde and gorgeous and I really wish my husband would respect my feelings.

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All men and women look. If the neighbor were a male and drop dead goregous you can’t say that you wouldn’t peak either! I believe that your insecurities are getting the best of you. Your husband is married to you, he loves and finds you attractive, you have 4 beautiful children. You might not look like her, but you have something she doesn’t- your husband. Let him oggle…it’s not like you need to be concerned I doubt your 18 year old neighbor has much interest in him. And it’s ok to look at beautiful things and appreciate them, it’s another to want to take advantage of them. Focus on things that make you happy that include him. It sounds like you might need to get back into courting one another again 🙂 Just cause it’s lost for the moment doesn’t mean it cannot be found yet again.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

My wife left me about 18 months ago and left me with our 8 year old son, she still sees him but only every other weekend. Last week she said shed like to talk as she still has things to say so we met at a pub for a drink, we talked small talk for an hour or so and then she sat quiet, I asked what was up and she said “I had so much to say” so I asked her to tell me this is when a few things poured out about how she is having trouble getting over me and she misses me but couldn’t go on like we were, she tried bringing up some stuff but I just said yes I wish hadn’t done that but its in the past she also said that maybe us meeting would help her get over me?
Now I have been ok for a while but this has done my head in so my question is why is she doing this? Is she trying to get me back or just make herself feel better?

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 Sometimes we need to allow time and perspective to really clear our minds and vision of what and who we really want in our lives. I am sure there are still feelings there for you both but you need to figure out if this is worth it to you. And she needs to figure out why she left in the first place. If you already know the answers to these questions and you are completely comfortable with moving forward then do so, but tread lightly. If you are unsure and is she then if you both really want to make it work I would suggest counseling. Sometimes stuff from our past builds up and spills over into our daily lives. I believe that if you both were open and willing you could be very successful in becoming happier and healthier people. And that might mean together and that might mean apart, but either way the ending is positive.
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

I have been dating this man off and on for around 3 years. I am absolutely in love with him, and I know he loves me dearly too. We were there for each other when no else was there for us. He is an amazing boyfriend and treats me very well. I love him, and it is now getting to the point where we are considering marriage.

He has already bought the ring after 6 months of us talking. I feel like he might be uncertain about a lot of things, but I do not really have the time to wait because I want to go into the military so they will help me pay for law school. I do not want to pressure him or give him an ultimatum because I love him and want him to do it on his own, but he is still lingering on our differences in religion (this is the reason why we have broke up, but we worked it out and now he bringing it up again), and he is always saying he wants to get married, but he is always creating another excuse like money issues or other problems. I do not think he is ready, but I cannot stick around waiting for him to propose.

My family and friends say he will feel differently once I am in the military, but at the same time I do not think it is fair that I accept his proposal because he wants me to himself the whole year we are apart before we can marry. Do not get me wrong, I love him with all of my heart, but I cannot help but feel like he will propose just cause he does not want me to meet other guys.

I am meeting with my recruiter in about a week and going to MEPS for my physical examination. In a couple of days afterwards I will either pick a job and swear in or I will be in DEP for some time. What do you guys think I should do? I am not going to tell him when I swear in, but do you think I should tell him that when I swear in there will not be that option to be with me anymore? I hate doing that, and I do not want to seem like the awful girlfriend that does this to her boyfriend, but I think that he believes that he can have me whenever he feels like which is wrong. Once again, he is a very good boyfriend. I am not trying to make him look like a villain, and I am not trying to make myself look like one either, but he does not seem like he is ready for the next step really, and I have to move on with my life. It will be very hard, but I want to do something awesome with my life.

And please, mature comments only.

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Sometimes we let our fear of being alone get the best of us or potentially the fear of the unknown which leaves us uncertain about our future. If joining the military is something that you feel is right for you and will provide you with a positive experience then go for it. I have to forewarn you however that (am a military wife) joining the military just to receive educational benefits in my opinion is not enough. It sounds peachy and all but at the end of the day you become government property, you potentially could see the dark side of humanity, the political bs of the world first hand, and will be putting yourself at harms way. I would recommend speaking with a few more people who are serving or have once served and ask them what their experiences have been like- some are so bad they don’t talk about it at all. As for your boyfriend if he loves you he will wait for you and vice versa. I don’t think it wise to rush something if one of you is unsure. If you feel that you need to focus on your life then do so. If something is meant to be it will be. However, you should not sacrifice your life to wait for someone else to make up their mind. If anything move forward, without dishonesty and tell him what you are planning on doing with in regards to signing up for the military. You shouldn’t keep information from the ones you love, a relationship should be based on honesty regardless of fear of outcome. If you aren’t ready then tell him that. Speak from your heart, if you end up taking a break all is not lost. It may provide you both the space, time, and clarity to really think about what you want in your lives as well as in a partner. And there is nothing wrong with really thinking about what you want and taking your time. However if you wish to take the time to yourself he should respect that as should you for him if he needs more time to really think about his life. Don’t stress so much on the timeline of things, but more so on the path that you are taking.

My husband and I have been together 10 years. We have 3 children. We have a very healthy and satisfying sex life. About a year ago I discovered a porn video case under a dresser and it was about transsexuals. The actual DVD was missing. I confronted my husband very calmly and told him I’d never judge him, but I needed to know the truth. He claimed he found the case behind the water heater. We were currently living in a temporary rental house that had many previous renters and had some other people’s odds and ends in it that had been left behind. I’ve never ever had any reason to think he was attracted to men. My husband has a fraternal twin brother who is in fact gay, and they don’t get along at all. The gay brother is actually my best friend and we go out alot together, but my husband can’t stand it and is vehemently against homosexuality. Anyway, so I chose to trust him and move on. Then today I was using my husband’s phone to look up something on the internet and “gay porn” and “homosexual pictures” showed up in the search box. So I checked the history and found that a number of porn videos about homosexual men, as well as videos about straight sex and some with just women. I was completely shocked. I don’t mind the porn, I’ve known he watches it forever and I’m secure enough in myself to not be bothered by it. But the gay stuff?? I’m just confused. I confronted him again and was very non accusing. I just asked him to please explain what was going on. At first he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about, but when I pressed him further he went berserk and said he clicked on accident although he clearly typed those things in the search box. When I said that he got his phone and threw it against the wall. Then slammed through the house calling me names, saying he can’t believe I’d even ask him that question etc etc. Then he sat on the couch and started watching TV and wouldn’t talk or look at me for the rest of the day.

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Facing our fears is scary and overwhelming, sometimes people find it easier to avoid them all together. I think your husband loves you however it sounds like he is curious or may have interest in men. The thing with this is most people who are in denial beat themselves up or refuse to admit that they prefer the other or both sexes. Maybe he saw some negative feedback for his brother growing up and fears that in him. Generally when we find something in someone else that we find repulsive it’s because we in turn have the capability of being the same way. I think the question you need to ask yourself is are you ok with his denial? And if not then that’s ok, and if so, then you need to be honest and tell him I love you regardless of what you prefer. And leave it at that. Subconsciously he will know that he is doesn’t have to hide from you.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

I am married to a narcissistic, verbally abusive man, who seemed to get way worse after our daughter was born.  He is very controlling, drinks a lot, doesn’t want to work (does but complains about it), and expects me to pick up the slack for everything (like his child support).  He always accuses me of cheating on him.  Nothing I do is ever right, I never do anything good enough, I can’t seem to do enough.  Anyway, I wanted some insight from people who have been through this.  I want to leave, but get sick when I think about my little one year old having to spend time with him.  It scares me!  I know she has to have a relationship with her dad, but I just want her to be safe.  Is it better to stay until she gets older or leave and let her have stability and normalcy with me in a separate household?

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There is no stability and normalcy in the relationship now from what you have described. I would suggest taking care of yourself for the sake of you and for the sake of your daughters well being. Having a child is a blessing but also a responsibility. If he is not up for the task no sense in waiting around for him to figure it out. I agree with you a child does need their father/mother in their lives but sometimes if that person isn’t well or has personal issues then it’s best to remove the child. Children are impressionable and innocent they should be guarded from any negative influences. I would suggest you do what is best for you which will in turn be what is best for the child in this case.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

A topic that has been brought up among many people is if I remarry will and how will it affect my children. As a product of divorce and remarriage from a child’s perspective I can understand the hesitancy. The thing is at the end of the day if you love someone and they want to be with you they will need to learn to accept all of you. If this includes kids and pets then so be it. But on the same token I would suggest you tread lightly when it comes to introducing the kids to this new found love. I can tell you that initally I was upset that my mother had decided to remarry and felt as though she were attempting to replace my exisiting father. Mind you I was 12 years old and your scope of understanding life, marriage, and divorce is a bit skwed. Now as an adult I learned that he is a much better husband for her than my dad was. Sometimes things just don’t work or other things in life take over and we loose sight of marriage. It does happen and there is no one person to blame it’s a work in progress pretty much from the point you say “I do” until the day “death do us part”. But as for the topic of how will it affect my children. In many ways and they will all be different because we all deal differently with change. If my mom were to remarry the same person she is with now today I would be happy very happy for her. But that’s because I’m older and have a better idea of how marriage and life works. Not an all knowing view…but much better than a 12 year old who thought she did know all 😉 I think the best thing you can do is be open and honest with your child. Tell them you love them very much and that so does thier mom/dad. But sometimes people fall out of love but it doesn’t affect the love that they have for the child. And you can further solidify that now they will have even more love by adding a new spouse to the mix. 🙂 Just know that anytime there is an adjustment for anyone regardless of age there will be push back and uncomfort. It’s just human nature. But know that given time and with patience they will come around and learn to appreciate those in thier lives. Will it affect them yes, but the real question is how and that depends on how you and your new spouse decided to approach it 🙂

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

My husband and I have been separated 2 months now and I can’t understand wtf is going on with him. It baffles me that it was and has been so easy for him to leave our marriage and our daughter. He’s been acting differently and saying different things so I can’t make any sense of what is going on through his head. Since he left he’s been running around with his friends hanging out with them all the time and getting drunk (rather than seeing our daughter) and he’s making it seem like he’s not even willing to try and work things out. We have both mutually decided to come up with and sign a separation agreement (with our lawyers) and have both agreed that at this time we don’t want to file for divorce, just a separation agreement so everything with child support and all that is on paper. I’ve asked him if he would consider giving us a chance to work things out instead of just throwing our marriage away like it meant nothing and he keeps saying he will have to think about it. Yesterday was so hard for me because I had offered if he wanted to come over and grill with me and our daughter after the parade in town and he said he didn’t have any plans so he’d think about it and then when he came to see our daughter at the parade he told me he’d be going to his friends house for a bbq. I honestly don’t know if I expected him to come but it hurt that he’s choosing his friends over our daughter even though he’s been doing that since he left. If it were just me and him I would have told him to go f*ck himself and not even bothered trying because of the way he has been acting but it’s not just me and him, it’s me and him and our daughter and I feel like for her sake he should at least try. The reasons we separated in the first place are trivial and are all stupid little things that can be worked out but he just doesn’t seem to give a sh*t. He says and does different things that confuse me, one day he’ll say certain things and act like he wants to get back together and the next day he’s saying different things and acting differently and I don’t know what to do anymore. Why in the world is it so damn easy for him to not even care? To just walk away from his family and not even seem willing to try and work things out? I’ve tried explaining that we should at least try before he just throws our marriage away but he doesn’t seem to want to hear it, but on the other hand he doesn’t want to file for divorce, just separation which gets me even more confused. Our daughter is now 13 months old and I’ve hardly ever asked him for anything. He worked so I could stay home with her so I was always the one doing everything for her. I never once asked him to get up with her (although he couldn’t anyway since I breastfed), I never asked him to change diapers or bathe her or do anything. The only thing I ever asked of him was to watch her to watch her while I showered and to mow the lawn and take the garbage out.

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I think what really needs to be asked here is what exactly do you want? It appears that you wish for him to take the relationship more seriously for the sake of your new child. However, you have no control nor say on how he chooses to decide or not to decide to spend time with her. I would recommend giving him space and focusing more on your childs well being. If he decides to be absent then he will eventually regret this decision. However, it is not your place to help him learn this valuable lesson. In my opinion I do not believe in separation at least in this case. It appears that he has no idea what he wants and maybe was not ready for an 18 year commitment to a new child. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood. I’m not excusing his behaviour however did he show any signs before and during your pregnancy that might reflect his actions today? I would tell him that either he wants to be a part of his child’s life or he doesn’t. And then I would give him the divorce papers. I’m not saying ever keeping your child from their father. This should be available to him at anytime (and if needed with supervision) but it sounds like he was never really present to begin with and you are hoping for a new behaviour that never existed in the first place.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

What is wrong with a wife that marries a man that doesn’t want to work? In contrary, what is wrong with a woman that wants a man that can’t provide for his family, and she wants to be the provider?  Does it make her feel in control?  I have a sister like this, and she loves it that she’s a provider and that he does not provide for his family. One response is this: That’s fine if the wife is the breadwinner and makes the money. More power to her. But, it is only natural for a man to work and be a provider. It is instinct, just like it is for a woman to be a mother. If he can’t do that his self-esteem goes down, thus feeling less of a man. Anybody else have opinions?

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I do not believe there is anything wrong with a woman being the bread winner or supporting the family compared to a man. I think that the relationship and it’s dynamics are dependent upon the two people involved. If that is what works for them so be it. It’s their lives and their choice to how they work out the logistics. Many times people put to much weight into what is “natural instinct” yes we have them but at the same time each of us is different. If being at home and taking care of the household needs is his perogative then thats great. It’s a lot of work so it’s not like he wouldn’t truly be “working”. We all need a purpose in our lives and if that means working to provide or working to maintain the household whatever works is still a purpose and has a meaningful impact.
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com