Tag Archive: divorce


A topic that has been brought up among many people is if I remarry will and how will it affect my children. As a product of divorce and remarriage from a child’s perspective I can understand the hesitancy. The thing is at the end of the day if you love someone and they want to be with you they will need to learn to accept all of you. If this includes kids and pets then so be it. But on the same token I would suggest you tread lightly when it comes to introducing the kids to this new found love. I can tell you that initally I was upset that my mother had decided to remarry and felt as though she were attempting to replace my exisiting father. Mind you I was 12 years old and your scope of understanding life, marriage, and divorce is a bit skwed. Now as an adult I learned that he is a much better husband for her than my dad was. Sometimes things just don’t work or other things in life take over and we loose sight of marriage. It does happen and there is no one person to blame it’s a work in progress pretty much from the point you say “I do” until the day “death do us part”. But as for the topic of how will it affect my children. In many ways and they will all be different because we all deal differently with change. If my mom were to remarry the same person she is with now today I would be happy very happy for her. But that’s because I’m older and have a better idea of how marriage and life works. Not an all knowing view…but much better than a 12 year old who thought she did know all 😉 I think the best thing you can do is be open and honest with your child. Tell them you love them very much and that so does thier mom/dad. But sometimes people fall out of love but it doesn’t affect the love that they have for the child. And you can further solidify that now they will have even more love by adding a new spouse to the mix. 🙂 Just know that anytime there is an adjustment for anyone regardless of age there will be push back and uncomfort. It’s just human nature. But know that given time and with patience they will come around and learn to appreciate those in thier lives. Will it affect them yes, but the real question is how and that depends on how you and your new spouse decided to approach it 🙂

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

My husband and I have been separated 2 months now and I can’t understand wtf is going on with him. It baffles me that it was and has been so easy for him to leave our marriage and our daughter. He’s been acting differently and saying different things so I can’t make any sense of what is going on through his head. Since he left he’s been running around with his friends hanging out with them all the time and getting drunk (rather than seeing our daughter) and he’s making it seem like he’s not even willing to try and work things out. We have both mutually decided to come up with and sign a separation agreement (with our lawyers) and have both agreed that at this time we don’t want to file for divorce, just a separation agreement so everything with child support and all that is on paper. I’ve asked him if he would consider giving us a chance to work things out instead of just throwing our marriage away like it meant nothing and he keeps saying he will have to think about it. Yesterday was so hard for me because I had offered if he wanted to come over and grill with me and our daughter after the parade in town and he said he didn’t have any plans so he’d think about it and then when he came to see our daughter at the parade he told me he’d be going to his friends house for a bbq. I honestly don’t know if I expected him to come but it hurt that he’s choosing his friends over our daughter even though he’s been doing that since he left. If it were just me and him I would have told him to go f*ck himself and not even bothered trying because of the way he has been acting but it’s not just me and him, it’s me and him and our daughter and I feel like for her sake he should at least try. The reasons we separated in the first place are trivial and are all stupid little things that can be worked out but he just doesn’t seem to give a sh*t. He says and does different things that confuse me, one day he’ll say certain things and act like he wants to get back together and the next day he’s saying different things and acting differently and I don’t know what to do anymore. Why in the world is it so damn easy for him to not even care? To just walk away from his family and not even seem willing to try and work things out? I’ve tried explaining that we should at least try before he just throws our marriage away but he doesn’t seem to want to hear it, but on the other hand he doesn’t want to file for divorce, just separation which gets me even more confused. Our daughter is now 13 months old and I’ve hardly ever asked him for anything. He worked so I could stay home with her so I was always the one doing everything for her. I never once asked him to get up with her (although he couldn’t anyway since I breastfed), I never asked him to change diapers or bathe her or do anything. The only thing I ever asked of him was to watch her to watch her while I showered and to mow the lawn and take the garbage out.

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I think what really needs to be asked here is what exactly do you want? It appears that you wish for him to take the relationship more seriously for the sake of your new child. However, you have no control nor say on how he chooses to decide or not to decide to spend time with her. I would recommend giving him space and focusing more on your childs well being. If he decides to be absent then he will eventually regret this decision. However, it is not your place to help him learn this valuable lesson. In my opinion I do not believe in separation at least in this case. It appears that he has no idea what he wants and maybe was not ready for an 18 year commitment to a new child. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood. I’m not excusing his behaviour however did he show any signs before and during your pregnancy that might reflect his actions today? I would tell him that either he wants to be a part of his child’s life or he doesn’t. And then I would give him the divorce papers. I’m not saying ever keeping your child from their father. This should be available to him at anytime (and if needed with supervision) but it sounds like he was never really present to begin with and you are hoping for a new behaviour that never existed in the first place.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

My sister wants to divorce her husband.  They have a daughter who just turned 18.  The daughter has some money in a savings account.  The account is under both my nieces and sisters names because she was a minor when the account was established.  It’s quite a bit of money, my niece saved up her birthday money, babysitting, odd jobs and so on.  My sister is afraid her husband will try to take half of it in the divorce.  She wants to get a non-interest bearing checking account for her daughter. The account will be in her daughters name using her daughters social security number.  My sisters name wont be anywhere on the account.  She wants to transfer all the money into the new account and close the old one before starting the divorce.  My sister also wants me to be on the account as the beneficiary only.  She said by doing this, her soon to be ex, wont be able to touch any of the money.  Since their daughter is now an adult, he can’t touch her funds.  I’m not so sure about that.  Is this true?

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I would advise your niece to take care of this on her own. Since the money is hers there is no need for you nor your sister to be involved in the transferring/beneficiary process. The concern is that if your sister decides to turn this into a big ordeal she will make it appear as though she is trying to hide money from her soon to be ex. When in the end what is right is that it is the daughters money and hers alone. She needs to move it to her own account and claim sole responsibility over her assets.

I am 42, divorced, I have no idea what I am supposed to do next in my life? I feel like I completed some circle in my life, and now I am at the same place I was before.
When I was young, I lived alone in small apartment that I rented, I was dating and had a lot of time to have fun.
Then came  marriage, with family life, kids, house  and mortgage.
Now I am divorced, my kids almost grown up, and very soon will not need me anymore, so I feel like this stage of my life is also over.
Now I again live alone in small apartment that I rent, I am dating, and have a lot of free time to do what I like.
I tried dating women my own age, but I failed to find a lot in common with them, since most of the date they usually talk about their kids, or even how their marriages failed. This made me realize that I don’t want to enter into a life of another family, woman with kids, ex-husband, and what not. Since they are with kids, they also don’t have a lot of free time.
I am now dating 24 y.o,  who I find more in common then,women I dated before her. We met at Indoor climbing group,  and we both like active pass time, like hiking,  doing challenging tracks, thing like that. So I spend a lot of time with her.
I feel lost and without purpose or goal in life. I have no idea, what I supposed to do with my life now, and where is it going from here.  I have no idea where I will be in 1 year on in 5 or in 10.
Have anyone been in similar situation? What is next for me?

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What’s next is up to you to decide. I am sure there are things that you always wanted to try or always wanted to do. Put it this way, if you knew you had one week left on this earth what would you do? Live your life this way. I am not saying spend your life savings or anything crazy but live in the moment of now. You are lucky to have had a marriage and a family at one time, even though it didn’t work out at one time it was exactly what you wanted. Now that you are here it’s time to find yourself again or maybe reinvent yourself. As for dating enjoy it and who knows you might someday find a woman and her kids or she might be solo and will be worth it. In the mean time find what makes you happy and brings purpose into your life. Do you like to travel, give back, a hobby or interest? There is plently to do so seize the opportunity since it’s before you.

When you’re in love with someone and in a relationship for 13 years and find out they are not happy being with you, how do you not feel like a total loser?  I’ve always thought she was the kindest most tolerant and accepting person I’ve ever met.  If I can’t make it work with her, what hope is there for me?  How can I NOT feel like a piece of s***.  She loves me and wants me in her life, but is just not happy.  Now she wants to start dating again.  How does one handle something like this? Feeling like a total waste of space right now. I am the one still in love with her.  Her announcement that she wanted to split was a total shock to me.  She moved into a separate room, but we’ve been sharing a house for the last 8 months and it has been a living hell for me.  She is so excited to be moving on and I’m sitting here feeling like my whole world was ripped from under my feet. She had told me that I could stay as long as I wanted and that it would be a few years before she got her life together and would even consider dating.  Now she wants to start dating again and I can feel that it’s time for me to leave.  I feel like it’s just more promises not being kept.  What happened to commitment?  To working things out?  I’m just devastated, have never lived alone and feel totally left out in the cold.

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I understand that this is a hard time for you right now. Sometimes people grow apart unfortunately. It’s hard to find balance in life, family, careers, and self. It sounds like she loves you but has lost herself along the way. There are a few words that you have used that peak my interest- “tolerant” and “accepting”. What was it about your relationship that you think she needed to be tolerant of? We all have to bend somewhat for the other person but tolerant seems like a strong word choice. As for her, were there any signs that she was unhappy? Think back to when you first met and how happy she was and what she did when she was happy. Does she not involve herself within these activities anymore? What changed? 13 years is a long time for people to grow and experience life, is there anything that stands out? The crummy part about this whole thing is that it takes two to tango and one of the dancers wants to rest or dance with someone new that leaves the other person at a stand still. If you are emotionally able I would ask that she sit down with you and have a heart to heart and honest open moment. Somewhere in the mix of this communication wasn’t clear since this is such a big surprise to you. Through pain and heartache comes a valuable lesson. I would ask her what changed and what happened? You might not be able to change her mind but at least you will have a better idea of where it went wrong. Also, living alone might seem scary initally but it’s necessary for growth and learning about oneself. It’s unhealthy to flitter from one relationship to the next without providing pause to review the lessons that were provided. Give this time and reflection-the lessons will become clear and your heart will mend.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

My wife and I have been together 3 years, married for one.  She has a 25 year old daughter who refuses to be responsible for herself. She holds a full-time job, but doesn’t make enough to support herself.  She now has a one year old of her own from a non-supportive, non-involved donor. My wife has been paying $500/month rent, cell phone and car insurance for the daughter, with no end in sight.  Her daughter recently got her license back from a DUI, ( $750 we paid to the Lawyer) but is facing two pending  cases of driving while her license was suspended. The daughter has recently taken two alcohol-infused weekends at the beach, which (the way I see it) we paid for.  Lawyer fees, court fees and fines… guess who will pay that? Stop the madness!   She will not cut her daughter’s support off, nor make her responsible for her own mistakes!   I have thought of Family or marriage counsel, but I feel my wife will just continue to support the daughter.   Any ideas?

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You need to sit down and discuss this with your wife. And I think it very wise of you both to seek counsel. There comes a point in our lives where we have to let our loved ones learn from their own mistakes and take responsibility for their actions. Unfortunately, this is tough love. What your wife is doing isn’t healthy for herself, your marriage nor for the future of your daughter and grand daughter. The main concern here should be the child (grandchild) who unfortunately is the innocent victim of these circumstances. Your wife needs counseling. She thinks that she is being loving and nuturing when in reality she is just making the situation worse. I would be honest with your feelings, she won’t like what she hears but ultimately it is the truth and the behavior needs to be corrected.

*If you have a question and would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmai.com

Why would wife drag her feet now? Two years ago while having difficulties during our marriage my wife cheated on me with the town loser. She eventually ended up leaving the marriage to pursue a relationship with this man. Over the last two years they have broken up several times. He has proven himself to be unreliable and has even put her and the children in many dangerous situations. Every time he messed up my wife would come to me for help, She would never admit that it was his flaws that were causing their lives to be troubled. Up until about a year ago I was still a dedicated husband. I did everything I could to put our family back together. However, as I was putting my life back together I realized that I no longer have any desire to be with my wife. I deserve far better than her and I have found it with another woman. My wife even begged me to take her back about six months ago. I have improved my finances, have a really nice apartment, enjoy my free time, and I am looking forward to building a future for my son and myself. I recently retained a lawyer and had divorce papers drawn up. I have kept my wife informed of what I was doing and told her it was time for both of us to move forward. The divorce agreement didn’t ask for anything more than what I have now in regards to custody of our son, which is 50/50. My wife understood that I would be giving her papers yesterday and agreed to sign them. However when I presented the papers she became immediately upset and demanded that changes be made before she signed them.  When we both had a chance to calm down we came to a compromise on the changes that she wanted.  I had my lawyer draw up new papers and presented them to my wife over three weeks ago.  She told me last week that she would return them to me but she said that she forgot them.  She was supposed to leave the papers for me at our son’s daycare but when he was picked up there were no papers.  Why would she want to delay the divorce and drag her feet when she wanted out all along.  Is she being childish as a way of controlling me and the situation?

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There could be multiple reasons for her delay, the realization that you will no longer be legally obligated to attend to her drama, that you are officially moving on without her, and/or she is distracted by her own drama and doesn’t want to deal with the reality of life. I will tell you congrats for moving forward with your life. Sometimes people make poor choices and all we can do is love and hope for the best. In this case (and to some degree I understand since you have a child) you enabled her. I would suggest looking into why you put up with all of this for so long.  I would also like to ask why, if your child has been put in harms way in the past by people whom she surrounds herself with, are you allowing her 50/50 visitation. Is there a clause where it needs to be supervised visitation? If not I would ask that your lawyer amend the paperwork again. And if needed set up an appointment with you attorney and her requested presence to sign the paperwork. I do not know what state you are in, however it is my understanding that some states will proceed with a divorce even if they other party refuses to sign paperwork after so much time has passed. I would definitely ask your lawyer about this. I certainly hope for the best for you childs health/safety and your sanity that things continue on the postive necessary path. Best of luck!
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Should I pay child support if my wife has a job? Suppose say that my wife and I divorce and my wife was earning the same amount as me every year. Should I pay only 50% of money for child support if I don’t get full or sole custody or 100%

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It’s different per state, I know that you are probably angry or maybe resentful with your soon to be ex-wife- but at the end of the day the health, security, and safety of your child is all that matters. Focus on that and not the actual cost. If your intention is focused on that and the child then that makes all the difference.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

Ok here’s the story. If you were me would you go to a friends funeral ? The problem is that the day he died is the day he was served divorce papers and his wife was cheating on him with two other guys . She treated him like shit all the time. He was killed at a bar from a fight. I just don’t want to see her. But I want to b there for my friend. What would you do?

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Your presence would be there to support his passing and recognizing the life that he lived. It would not show support in his wife’s lifestyle. You should go for your friend, you don’t have to speak with her if you choose not to do so.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Military & Marriage

I’m 17, my boyfriend is 18. It’s set in stone…we want to get married. One big problem? How to break this to my parents. I think his probably won’t care for the idea too much, but I have a feeling mine will handle it badly. We are waiting until I’m 18 to break the news, that way nothing can be done on their part. How should we tell them? Also, he is in the Army. I have considered signing a two year contract with the Navy to help pay for my schooling, as I want to be an RN. If we are married, will we be able to live together with me in the Navy and him in the Army? I’ve also considered the Air Force… all answers are appreciated. Thanks!  Also, we have considered this very carefully. His benefits are part of the reason we are getting married. My parents want me out of the house when I’m 18, but they won’t like the idea of marriage. He and I agree that divorce will never be in question. We don’t believe in it.

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If you sign up for any military branch you won’t have the option to decide when and where you will be living. You sign your life away to the government and they will send you where you are needed. It is my understanding that the Air Force can be a little bit more flexible when it comes to these things but that has only been what I have been told, so not 100% sure. What I can tell you is that the divorce rate is extremely high within the military (regardless of branch) because most of those who are enlisted are young and also going through a lot of traumatic and life changing events. I understand that you are in love and I understand their are health coverage benefits as well as financial in marrying someone in the military. However, there is a lot more than just goes into that. Marriage isn’t always easy in it’s own right but then adding on long periods of separation, emotional and psychological stressors, it can be very difficult. I would honestly wait until he or you have both been in for a while to get adjusted to military life or until you have gone through school. (They need medical aid for the military as well so you could offer your services once you graduate)  If you are planning on joining a military branch you will receive benefits as well and don’t need to rely on him for coverage. It’s your life however if I were you I would highly recommend letting this play out until things are settled a bit more.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com