Tag Archive: letting go


Embracing Uncertainty: The Future is Open, Not Empty

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Erin E. Smith

“As for the future, your task is not to foresee it but to enable it.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

A month ago, I was at a crossroads. I was unhappy with my job, I no longer wanted to be living at home, I was tired of being three states away from my boyfriend, and I was sick of feeling unfulfilled.

I knew change was coming, but what I did not know was that I was to be the catalyst.

I had moved back in with my parents after college, as I started the daunting task of job searching. I worked retail for most of the summer, broken only by a two-and-a-half week stint as an editor for a company that sold writing workshops to major corporations.

I loved the job, but the people turned out to be less than willing to train and accept me, so back home I went.

I finally found a job at a bank in the fall and set off learning a career in finance for the next year and a half. Acquiring a new skill set was intimidating at first; I was an English major and math had been an enemy of mine since grade school, but… read more here

Why would wife drag her feet now? Two years ago while having difficulties during our marriage my wife cheated on me with the town loser. She eventually ended up leaving the marriage to pursue a relationship with this man. Over the last two years they have broken up several times. He has proven himself to be unreliable and has even put her and the children in many dangerous situations. Every time he messed up my wife would come to me for help, She would never admit that it was his flaws that were causing their lives to be troubled. Up until about a year ago I was still a dedicated husband. I did everything I could to put our family back together. However, as I was putting my life back together I realized that I no longer have any desire to be with my wife. I deserve far better than her and I have found it with another woman. My wife even begged me to take her back about six months ago. I have improved my finances, have a really nice apartment, enjoy my free time, and I am looking forward to building a future for my son and myself. I recently retained a lawyer and had divorce papers drawn up. I have kept my wife informed of what I was doing and told her it was time for both of us to move forward. The divorce agreement didn’t ask for anything more than what I have now in regards to custody of our son, which is 50/50. My wife understood that I would be giving her papers yesterday and agreed to sign them. However when I presented the papers she became immediately upset and demanded that changes be made before she signed them.  When we both had a chance to calm down we came to a compromise on the changes that she wanted.  I had my lawyer draw up new papers and presented them to my wife over three weeks ago.  She told me last week that she would return them to me but she said that she forgot them.  She was supposed to leave the papers for me at our son’s daycare but when he was picked up there were no papers.  Why would she want to delay the divorce and drag her feet when she wanted out all along.  Is she being childish as a way of controlling me and the situation?

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There could be multiple reasons for her delay, the realization that you will no longer be legally obligated to attend to her drama, that you are officially moving on without her, and/or she is distracted by her own drama and doesn’t want to deal with the reality of life. I will tell you congrats for moving forward with your life. Sometimes people make poor choices and all we can do is love and hope for the best. In this case (and to some degree I understand since you have a child) you enabled her. I would suggest looking into why you put up with all of this for so long.  I would also like to ask why, if your child has been put in harms way in the past by people whom she surrounds herself with, are you allowing her 50/50 visitation. Is there a clause where it needs to be supervised visitation? If not I would ask that your lawyer amend the paperwork again. And if needed set up an appointment with you attorney and her requested presence to sign the paperwork. I do not know what state you are in, however it is my understanding that some states will proceed with a divorce even if they other party refuses to sign paperwork after so much time has passed. I would definitely ask your lawyer about this. I certainly hope for the best for you childs health/safety and your sanity that things continue on the postive necessary path. Best of luck!
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

A Map Back to Myself

For as long as I can remember I have had issues with worrying about everyone else’s problems instead of dealing with my own. I have also always been lovingly referred to as “mom” by most of my friends. The thing is they know they can come to me when times are hard and when things get rough. And they know that I will be honest, direct, and truthful in my advice. I know that this is a unique gift (or atleast I have been told that’s it’s a rare gift)  So I enjoy helping others that I do not know by providing insight into life’s random and sometimes confusing moments. However, there is a fine line in helping and losing ones self in everyone else. And I will admit that I have fallen victim to doing this. But, the good news is that you aren’t completely lost! With some patience and some effort you can get back to yourself and your happiness. For me this took some time but what I found worked was doing things that I found interesting and that made me happy. Things that were for me, and me alone and no one else. It sounds selfish but we must do what is best for ourselves. When we take care of ourselves in turn we are better equipped to help others. It’s a vaulable lesson that I am still practicing and shaping for my future. What are your experiences with life and finding your bliss?

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

We dated for 3 and a half years starting Sophomore year all the way up through our first semester in college. I don’t know where I went wrong. I’ve tried everything to get her back and failed miserably and now I just don’t want to be miserable anymore. It’s been two months since the break up and I’ve been trying to get over it. I’ve been hanging out with friends, meeting other girls, and nothing seems to work. I’ve started working out A LOT and that doesn’t help either. I completely cut her off. When she texted me I wouldn’t txt back or I’d be intentionally rude to her to get her to stop texting. I blocked her on Facebook. Yet when I wake up in the morning she’s still the first person I think about. When I go to sleep she’s the last person I think about. I’m sick of waking up at night and feeling lonely without her. I’m sick of having dreams about her. I just want it all to stop and nothing I do works! Help!

(Details on the break up: It was not mutual. She left me for someone else and seemingly forgot all about me which just makes it all the more painful.)

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The best thing you can do is what you are doing right now, processing and keeping your distance from her. Love is beautiful and magical until it ends then it’s extremely painful but necessary. If she dropped you for someone else then realize that it is definitely not meant to be. And of course you still think about her because you were still in love when she broke it off. The best thing you can do is give yourself time to let go and move on. Time and distractions are the best thing to help. I would definitely find something that you really enjoy to balance your work schedule. That way it isn’t all work and no play. In a few months you will be able to look back at where you are now and realize how far you have come. But the best thing you can do is to let your head and your heart process what has happened.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

Should I file for divorce? I pushed my wife away to the point of no return and we finally moved out of our current place but she left months ago. I just barely moved out and she moved on and started a new relationship days after she left me with someone she had been talking to for who knws how long on the web. Well I’m really regreting that I couldn’t act more like a man and be mature about this. All I did was cry and a dig a deeper whole for myself and my life (with the law ) and she doesn’t know nothing. And I don’t think she should know, but all I showed her was my weak side and she took advantage of it but now I wish that I could’ve been good and more of a grown up  so we can at least be friends. I don’t think I can hear her tell me anything about his guy, but I would like to spend time with her and do things with her. We haven’t filed, but she said she didn’t want anything to do with me. Should I just go ahead and do it and show her that I’m being a man and doing this now and not waiting for her to do it. Or is she just holding off to see what she can get out of me or is waiting for a change from me and then come back after 3 or 4 maybe 6 months….its been 3 months already and she is happy and never hits me up, and does not say **** to me on weekends ever since she left, just on weekdays when she wanted something, and  well not even during the weekday anymore cuz we finally moved out. What should I do? I’m so confused and I still love her.

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It is a bit unsettling to hear that she started a new relationship days after you separated. There was no time for her to process this transition unless she had already detached long before. I understand that you still love her. And maybe the best thing you can do is ask her if there is any hope in her eyes in seeing this work. From what you have mentioned it sounds like she has already moved on. If her answer is no then it’s time to let it go. If her answer is yes then you both need to see a marriage counselor immediately. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with a man crying. It’s frustrating to see men beat themselves up over such a much needed and necessary release of emotions. You love her and you are processing this. Take all the time you need, but from what you’ve described I think it would be helpful to let go.
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com
Even when we know it going nowhere and we have tried our best to work things out, why is it still hard to let go. I know he has issues which he won’t address and I got tired long ago with taking on all the responsibility. I am in a better place within myself and working on self care but has anyone any suggestions to help shake the feeling of defeat. For so long I believed that my efforts and love would change him – yes that old story – it is just nonsense. These feelings linger even when I tell myself I deserve better etc. Thanks.
-Trying to be Strong
 
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Dear Trying to be Strong,
Any time someone is emotionally invested into a relationship that’s where things always get hard. Emotions have a way of confusing us of what is really at hand. You know now that this person has no intention of bettering himself. This in the end was and still is his choice. You choose to look at the bigger picture and realize that something needed to change. So you did, and he choose not to go along. Again, this was his choice. In the end we all have an equal share of the relationship there has to be some balance- otherwise when the it tilts one way this is what happens. You did what was right for you- you will find happiness again, you should definitely speak with a therapist and figure out why you choose to be with this person in the first place. There is more here, but for you specifically to learn from.

What are your thoughts or experiences when it comes to moving on? Please feel free to comment below.

 
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com