Tag Archive: love


I do not wish to create a political debate but at the same time I do believe it best to state my opinions just as much as everyone else does. When I was very young my mother always taught me to follow the golden rule. It’s simple, it’s basic, yet it’s powerful and can be applied to all things. And of course in this case it is no different. I respect that other people may practice their religions or their view points. I have no problem with this and if this is your truth whatever it may be then that is what is right for you. Because we are all individuals, we all crave two things at the end of the day regardless of race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, and that is love and acceptance. True love and acceptance is a rarity because we all at some point have become jaded to some degree with the poisons of those who do not understand or are fearful of the unknown. We do not understand what we are not willing to know or be open to. I respect Todd’s opinion and know that acceptance is a two way street. However at the same time I do not think it fair to say that “gay marriage” is “wrong”. This is from an excerpt that he includes and he does later mention  ‘ Nietszche said “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” ‘ And I believe that Nietszche was on to something that many of us forget. No one is ever truly right…but at the same token I believe that we must strive for what is right for us as individuals and accept that we will not always agree. And also realize that we all have our own path and our own pace in life.  For most of my life I have been great friends with people who just happen to be “homosexual”. But it’s funny to me because I never called them nor thought of them as specifically being “that”. I just think of them are wonderful and fun people that happen to prefer the same sex. And who knows you could even take it a step further and think of it as they have the capacity to love all regardless of sex.  And to me, why and how would that affect my life… It doesn’t, never has, and never will. I prefer to surround myself with honest, loving, and good hearted people. And if that is what you are then we will get along. That’s it, plain and simple.  I’ll take it a step further, what if I am liberal and don’t want to be friends with democrats nor republicians? Well…then I’ve just cut myself off from people who might be smart, witty, fun, interesting, or that might make the perfect friend. It’s the same for people whom fear homosexuality, political affliation, race, etc. By allowing ourselves to either ignore these “types” of people or by singling them out we are projecting our own fears onto others. And fear comes from a lack of understanding and a degree of ignorance. Todd I believe that you should attend your brother-in-laws reception because you love him despite the fact that he may love someone else that is of the same sex. And because you feel the way you do about the event who’s to say that he did not invite you both to the wedding out of respect to your view point but wanted you to be included so instead he opted for the reception only?  This shouldn’t be about supporting just your wife, it’s about supporting someone you love regardless if you don’t always agree. And who knows you might get to know his partner and find out why he’s so smitten.  🙂 We all, myself included, need to learn that we are all human we all live, learn, and love in whatever ways work best for us, and we all have the capacity to love, accept, and respect one another, but the choice to do so is ours alone.

 

Bright, shiny objects!

This is a tough issue for me brought on by an upcoming event in our family. My gay brother-in-law is getting joined in a civil union — sorry, but I can’t quite bring myself to use the word ‘married’ yet — and we have been invited to the reception, not the ceremony. I have mixed feelings about this event;  I don’t know if I can really ‘celebrate’ it but I’m thinking about going to support my wife. In the past, I would have refused to attend on principle but as a recovering conservative Christianliving in the gray‘ I am considering input from all sides. Recently, John Piper posted this Christian conservative perspective on relating to gay family members…

Is there hope for a relationship with a family member who is not a believer and is in a same-sex relationship, and who knows your Christian position?

Yes…

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When you’re in love with someone and in a relationship for 13 years and find out they are not happy being with you, how do you not feel like a total loser?  I’ve always thought she was the kindest most tolerant and accepting person I’ve ever met.  If I can’t make it work with her, what hope is there for me?  How can I NOT feel like a piece of s***.  She loves me and wants me in her life, but is just not happy.  Now she wants to start dating again.  How does one handle something like this? Feeling like a total waste of space right now. I am the one still in love with her.  Her announcement that she wanted to split was a total shock to me.  She moved into a separate room, but we’ve been sharing a house for the last 8 months and it has been a living hell for me.  She is so excited to be moving on and I’m sitting here feeling like my whole world was ripped from under my feet. She had told me that I could stay as long as I wanted and that it would be a few years before she got her life together and would even consider dating.  Now she wants to start dating again and I can feel that it’s time for me to leave.  I feel like it’s just more promises not being kept.  What happened to commitment?  To working things out?  I’m just devastated, have never lived alone and feel totally left out in the cold.

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I understand that this is a hard time for you right now. Sometimes people grow apart unfortunately. It’s hard to find balance in life, family, careers, and self. It sounds like she loves you but has lost herself along the way. There are a few words that you have used that peak my interest- “tolerant” and “accepting”. What was it about your relationship that you think she needed to be tolerant of? We all have to bend somewhat for the other person but tolerant seems like a strong word choice. As for her, were there any signs that she was unhappy? Think back to when you first met and how happy she was and what she did when she was happy. Does she not involve herself within these activities anymore? What changed? 13 years is a long time for people to grow and experience life, is there anything that stands out? The crummy part about this whole thing is that it takes two to tango and one of the dancers wants to rest or dance with someone new that leaves the other person at a stand still. If you are emotionally able I would ask that she sit down with you and have a heart to heart and honest open moment. Somewhere in the mix of this communication wasn’t clear since this is such a big surprise to you. Through pain and heartache comes a valuable lesson. I would ask her what changed and what happened? You might not be able to change her mind but at least you will have a better idea of where it went wrong. Also, living alone might seem scary initally but it’s necessary for growth and learning about oneself. It’s unhealthy to flitter from one relationship to the next without providing pause to review the lessons that were provided. Give this time and reflection-the lessons will become clear and your heart will mend.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

How can I stop being selfish? My husband and I recently got married. We are both in our mid 20s and have been together for about 3 years. We had a huge argument recently. He called me selfish because I failed to take left over food for him from our wedding that the caterer left. I guess I was just flustered trying to help clean up the hall where our wedding was and didn’t really think to pack food for him although I did take some left over fish for myself even though he doesn’t really like fish. He has called me selfish quite a few times throughout our relationship. I do most of his laundry and do most of the cleaning in our house. I usually agree to go to the movies he wants to see. I also watch the tv shows that he wants to watch and go to the restaurants he wants to go to. I don’t drive so I usually take the bus. Sometimes he drives me places I need to go to but sometimes he gets upset when I ask him for a ride because he says whatever I’m doing has nothing to do with him so why should he have to drive me. I always say thank you when he does. He buys me flowers sometimes which is sweet of him but I guess I don’t really buy him little gifts just because I don’t know what to get him. I want to be good wife so how can I be less selfish?

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I’m only getting one side of the story, however it sounds like he has a guilty conscience. Just because you weren’t thinking of him every waking moment does not make you selfish. It sounds to me you go above and beyond to be very accomodating to his wants and needs. Are there things that you want and need? And if you were to partake would he still call you selfish even it brought you happiness? If so then there is a major misunderstanding or miscommunication. I would recommend sitting down with your husband and expressing your feelings. If he doesn’t respect you enough to even do that then you have an even bigger issue on your hands. I would try to speak with him, if this doesn’t work I would recommend counseling. There is more to this and you both need to find common ground.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

 

When my brother was little, our dad use to abuse him when our mother wasn’t around and my brother never told her because she had problems with cancer on and off throughout the years any my brother didnt want to upset her. When he was sixteen, my mother had me and a year later she died. Not wanting to leave me with our father who still had been abusing my brother, my brother moved out with me when he was seventeen and fought hard to get an education for himself while raising me. Two years ago he married a woman who he fell deeply in love with and they had a one year old daughter but about a week ago they were both killed in a car accident. My brother has since been staying with me but he hasnt left his bed since the night that it happened. I cant get him to talk to me let alone eat or drink anything and Im afraid that all this pain has drove him over the edge. He’s been taking sedatives that a doctore gave him the night that he found out they died and he still usually sleeps but Im afraid he might try to kill himself if something isnt done. My big brother is the closest thing to a parent that I have ever had and I want so much to help him. He’s jsut been frozen and emotionless for the last few days and I dont want to take him to the hospital because all theyll do is drug him up and stare at him. He needs to be in a place where he feels loved and I just cant get through to him on how much he means to me. I really dont want to end up losing him too. I’ve already heard several people say that I should help him find another girl but he’s in no condition to start dating a week after his wife and child died. Especially with how he’s been taking it on top of everything else he’s already been through. Please tell me what I should do. Thanks

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You have every right to be worried and concerned about your brother. The best thing you can is return the favor- it’s time for you to start taking care of your brother. He has suffered some major loss in the past and very recently. Is there anyway you could find a local grief counselor? It will take some time and unfortunately the timeline is different for everyone- but he can move past this. Just listen when he talks, hug him when he crys, and tell him that you love him often. In time you might have to convince him to leave the house and get outside. You just need to remind him that you are here for him and that all is not completely lost. It will be a long and painful road but just stay strong for him.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

We dated for 3 and a half years starting Sophomore year all the way up through our first semester in college. I don’t know where I went wrong. I’ve tried everything to get her back and failed miserably and now I just don’t want to be miserable anymore. It’s been two months since the break up and I’ve been trying to get over it. I’ve been hanging out with friends, meeting other girls, and nothing seems to work. I’ve started working out A LOT and that doesn’t help either. I completely cut her off. When she texted me I wouldn’t txt back or I’d be intentionally rude to her to get her to stop texting. I blocked her on Facebook. Yet when I wake up in the morning she’s still the first person I think about. When I go to sleep she’s the last person I think about. I’m sick of waking up at night and feeling lonely without her. I’m sick of having dreams about her. I just want it all to stop and nothing I do works! Help!

(Details on the break up: It was not mutual. She left me for someone else and seemingly forgot all about me which just makes it all the more painful.)

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The best thing you can do is what you are doing right now, processing and keeping your distance from her. Love is beautiful and magical until it ends then it’s extremely painful but necessary. If she dropped you for someone else then realize that it is definitely not meant to be. And of course you still think about her because you were still in love when she broke it off. The best thing you can do is give yourself time to let go and move on. Time and distractions are the best thing to help. I would definitely find something that you really enjoy to balance your work schedule. That way it isn’t all work and no play. In a few months you will be able to look back at where you are now and realize how far you have come. But the best thing you can do is to let your head and your heart process what has happened.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

Commitment Issues

I’ve been friends with this man online for over a year. After a split from my ex a few months ago we did get closer. Phoning each other every day and txting…we literally couldn’t go a day not talking. We realised we were getting feelings for each other so decided to meet a few weeks back. I love his intelligence, his sense of humour and our banter. We got on so well. Anyway we talked about making a go of it and he said he really wanted to try and thought I was amazing. But he did warn me his relationships never last longer than 6 months as he freaks out. A week later I woke up to a txt saying he loved and respected me so much he couldn’t do it to me. He didn’t see a future as we live an hour and a half away from each other. I wasn’t his usual type..and he just wanted to be friends. It was a nice message and I respected his honesty. Since then we have gone back to before..like best friends..he still messages every day..phones..checks I’m ok. Tells me he loves me and that I’m a star. Calls me beautiful. ‘ finding it so hard cause I do think ive fallen in love with him..I’m so confused he let me go just like that..but still contacts every day. Whats going on? Is it best i break contact..? When he sent the txt ending it…all I said was its cool I understand. Did he want me to fight for him? Or did I do the right thing.
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I don’t blame you for feeling confused. It sounds like to some degree he doesn’t have the gusto to move past his fear- and if you really love someone you need to be brave and open. I don’t think it’s fair that he is sitting on the fence and still treating the relationship the same- this can cause major confusion. I think that you should ask to meet with him and express your feelings. Tell him that you understand that he thinks he is being respectful by not moving forward but in reality he is just hurting you and toying with your emotions. We all have skeletons or things that we might be unsure if someone else is willing to deal with. But that’s just it- there is always someone that is the right fit and balance for us. That can also help us grow and become a better person at the end of the day. I think you need to ask yourself if you are willing to take that risk or if you need to move on. I would first talk with him and dig further into why he bails after 6 months. Is it a fear of having to be committed and the assumption that you expect it to go somewhere like moving in or marriage? If are ok with just having someone there but never fully committing (which works for some people) then great. I’m not a fan of ultimatums but if you aren’t a fan and do desire something more then you need to be honest with him and tell him that you love him and want this to work. And if he isn’t willing to at least try then you can’t continue to “play along” when there will never be a happy ending.
 
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com
 

Ah love… Day 3 of a week of quotes and what could be more fitting than love itself. We’ve all experienced it, seen it, felt it, lived it, even desired it. {If you are just joining this blog generally I gear my posts towards questions and provide solid advice. However, I have decided to spend the week reflecting on quotes that have moved me. Sometimes advice is needed and sometimes learning from others mistakes can be a major blessing! Advice will resume next week, if you have topic or question please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com} Please feel free to leave your favorite love quotes in the comments section below.

“I think all relationships are simple…it’s the people who complicate them” – Berkeley Clements

“The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite” – William Shakespeare

Confused….

I’m confused about my friend? I’m a 2nd year college student. I have known this girl for over a year now so we’re already friends. A few weeks ago she was acting all giddy toward me. Smiling and laughing and coming into my room to talk(I live right across the bathroom). My roommate thought that she liked me, but I disagreed saying she’s just being nice. She was giddy until last week. Then she turned cold. I asked her if I insulted her and she said she was stressed from midterms/homework. This week she’s still a little bit cold, but not like last week. She’s not smiling or laughing when I talk to her (then again I haven’t made any jokes since I’m stressed with school). But with everybody else she’s laughing and smiling all over the place except for me.She’s made me confused. I don’t like her at the moment because I had a crush on her last year. I wouldn’t mind dating her though. What should I do to solve the problem? I want her to be the giddy person I knew a few weeks ago. My roommate still thinks she likes me, but she’s not showing it. What do you think?

I normally eat lunch with her and another friend on Fridays. Today is her birthday. Why is she acting like this to me and not everybody else?

-Confused
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Dear Confused,
Wish her happy birthday and ask her if you can take her out to eat or for coffee to celebrate. This should be an ice breaker- then hopefully you can talk with her more. I know it will sound a bit cheesey, but be honest with your feelings. Tell her that, “I miss when you are happy and giddy around me, is everything ok?” If you express concern for her feelings she might be more willing to open up.
Well, there’s this guy, he is so in love with me, but he is really not the nicest looking guy. My friends are teasing me over him liking me because of his looks, but I think I am falling for his personality! I dunno what to do, he wants me so bad, but what would you do in this situation?
-On the Fence
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Dear On the Fence,
Love is blind, if you find him interesting and you think he is attractive to you… then that is all that matters. It’s sad to hear that your friends aren’t supporting your happiness and are more caught up in the shallowness of how he “appears” to them. If you do decide to get to know him better maybe they will realize there is more than meets the eye.
 
* If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com. All inquiries shall remain anonymous.
 

Why doesn’t my dad love me? He never acts like he’s proud of me no matter what I do. He is very selfish and always,accuses me of being the selfish one, which I can be sometimes but not as bad as him. He always tells me I’m a burden to him and he calls me a bi*ch all the time. Sometimes he acts like he is going to hit me. Why does he hate me? I thought all fathers loved their kids?

-Desperate for my Father’s Love

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Dear Desperate,

Your dad was probably raised the same way that he treats you. This doesn’t excuse his behavior. It could just be a repeated pattern. Sometimes people just don’t understand the dynamic of love nor how to show affection. You are deserving of love and appreciation just as much as he is and should have received as well. You cannot change his past, but you certainly can change and shape your future. Find strength within yourself and knowing that you are doing the best that you can do for yourself and your future. Then one day when you have children you will be able to provide them the love and attention that your father is incapable of providing you now.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at: honestgoodadvice@gmail.com