Tag Archive: moving on


5 Steps to Let Go of Anger for a Happier Life

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Alden Tan

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” ~Albert Einstein

Hi. My name is Alden, and I’m an angry guy. I’m 26 years old.

Anger has always been an issue for me. I hate the feeling of being angry, especially for no particular reason.

It feels like it’s eating me up from the inside out.

It can get so bad sometimes that I can get pissed off while I’m alone in my room, just blogging or surfing the net, whenever a negative thought passes through my head.

Anger makes me feel upset with myself. I wonder why that I, a grown adult, still have to deal with issues that have been around since my high school days.

Am I still as immature as I was then? Why is it so hard to let go?

Some Angry Milestones

These are some of the events that made me angry with life:

My dad passed away when I was 20—from an incurable disease. Someone I grew up with was taken away suddenly. I still feel pissed with the world.

An ex-girlfriend cheated on me—with a guy with a bad reputation. It felt like an insult to me.

A friend who I was very close with betrayed me. He accused me of something he messed up himself. Years of friendship went down the drain. I never felt such disgust for a single person before.

I got punched in the eye once—by this guy in a club. I won’t go into it, but I didn’t think I did anything wrong.

These are only the major events of my life. I also get angry with other things in life, like a late bus or rude people.

Anger has been always one of my greatest challenges. Sometimes it feels like I need to get it all out, once and for all, but I don’t want to end up like some people who act rashly, by getting into fights, for example.

If you’re reading this, you might be like me. You’re very aware of a problem you have and you want a way out of it.

I’m sharing this now because I’ve worked on it for a long time and I hope it can help you do the same.

I can’t say I have it all under perfect control, but I’ve learned a few ways to tame that angry monster inside:

1. Replace a negative thought with an awesome one.

More often than not, it’s a negative thought derived from a bad memory that makes me upset, instantly.

As stated, this is where you should replace the bad thought with an awesome thought.

Don’t even approach the bad thought.

Don’t try to rationalize it.

Don’t even think about it.

The way I see it, any of the above is a passive reaction to the negative thought, hence making you feel the negative feelings that follow, which isn’t helping you at all.

So, replace the negative thought on the spot.

Just think of something you like. It could be a fond memory in the past or something you really want in the future.

I personally like to go crazy with my imagination and come up with amazing scenarios, like when I’m listening to a song I like, I imagine myself singing it in my own music video.

Sometimes distraction is a good approach, if it’s something you’ve already dealt with but keep rehashing in your head. Watch TV, listen to music, read something, or just go out. It helps.

2. Let it all out in cliché manners.

You know something?

The clichés work.

Every tip you can find in blogs, magazines, or the newspaper work.

You just have to apply yourself and try it out.

Screaming onto your pillow actually makes you feel like you released a ton of emotions that are trying to get out.

Writing an angry letter to the person you bear a grudge against allows you to clearly articulate your feelings. Just make sure you don’t send it.

Exercising really helps with anger too. Sweating it out and letting the adrenaline take over your body can clear just about anything.

I know how it is when you feel angry and then listen to advice that you doubt will help your situation. It feels like nobody out there can fully empathize with how you feel, so who are they to talk, right?

I can empathize, and I promise that if you give it a shot, you’ll be surprised with the results.

3. Surround yourself with positive people.

Anger is a personal issue for everyone.

But unfortunately, some people around you cannot fully understand what you go through.

I find that most people feel angry because of their surroundings.

You hang out with supposed friends who make condescending remarks at you, but you don’t think you should do anything about because you don’t want to come across as petty.

You have a really dysfunctional office environment, filled with shady colleagues and a controlling boss.

Do these things sound familiar to you?

The problem is, people think they are “stuck” or they absolutely “must” be with such people because of their circumstances.

I say otherwise.

Make the conscious effort to surround yourself with people you can look up to and talk to. It won’t always be easy—if you need to look for a new job, for example—but it’s worth the time and effort.

Our surroundings influence our mood in a major way. So instead of focusing solely on addressing your inner anger, also address the external factors that trigger it.

4. Make caring for yourself a priority.

I used to be a lot angrier before my dad’s passing.

Sounds contradictory? Continue reading.

You see, as I grew up, I always did the “right thing.”

I never talked back to people who insulted me to my face. I walked away from fights. I held back a lot of my emotions.

But as a result of doing all the “right” things, I went home feeling angry with myself.

When my father died, it just hit me there and then, “I did so much for people around me, and yet this still happened.”

My biggest takeaway from my father’s death was that you have to live life to the fullest, and sometimes, if not all the time, it’s okay to take care of yourself more than anything in this world.

I’ve fallen out with friends who kept insulting me.

I now actively make the choices that suit me, even if others disagree. (For example, I may not even go to a gathering when I know someone I dislike is there.)

I even quit my job to be a full-time blogger, much to the surprise of my friends.

Caring for myself more has allowed me to truly express myself and not hold back any longer. The anger has subsided a lot as I don’t have to look back and ask, “What if?”

Your life is your own. And life is short.

If you feel anger taking control, let it go by caring for yourself. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. It is by being yourself that you can fully realize the life you’re meant to live, and anger has no part in that.

5. Decide you don’t want to add to the hate in this world.

When I feel angry sometimes I have crazy ideas of seeking justice, of finding my wrongdoers and letting them have it once and for all.

But I don’t act on it because I don’t want to add on to the crap in this world.

Let it go, not just for a better future, but also because you’re a good person. And a good person isn’t angry most of the time. Instead, he sees beauty in the world and strives for a positive life, in which others around him can be inspired too.

Choose to let go of your anger so you can be that person.

There are many other positive emotions you can enjoy when you make the effort to let go of your anger.

Why would wife drag her feet now? Two years ago while having difficulties during our marriage my wife cheated on me with the town loser. She eventually ended up leaving the marriage to pursue a relationship with this man. Over the last two years they have broken up several times. He has proven himself to be unreliable and has even put her and the children in many dangerous situations. Every time he messed up my wife would come to me for help, She would never admit that it was his flaws that were causing their lives to be troubled. Up until about a year ago I was still a dedicated husband. I did everything I could to put our family back together. However, as I was putting my life back together I realized that I no longer have any desire to be with my wife. I deserve far better than her and I have found it with another woman. My wife even begged me to take her back about six months ago. I have improved my finances, have a really nice apartment, enjoy my free time, and I am looking forward to building a future for my son and myself. I recently retained a lawyer and had divorce papers drawn up. I have kept my wife informed of what I was doing and told her it was time for both of us to move forward. The divorce agreement didn’t ask for anything more than what I have now in regards to custody of our son, which is 50/50. My wife understood that I would be giving her papers yesterday and agreed to sign them. However when I presented the papers she became immediately upset and demanded that changes be made before she signed them.  When we both had a chance to calm down we came to a compromise on the changes that she wanted.  I had my lawyer draw up new papers and presented them to my wife over three weeks ago.  She told me last week that she would return them to me but she said that she forgot them.  She was supposed to leave the papers for me at our son’s daycare but when he was picked up there were no papers.  Why would she want to delay the divorce and drag her feet when she wanted out all along.  Is she being childish as a way of controlling me and the situation?

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There could be multiple reasons for her delay, the realization that you will no longer be legally obligated to attend to her drama, that you are officially moving on without her, and/or she is distracted by her own drama and doesn’t want to deal with the reality of life. I will tell you congrats for moving forward with your life. Sometimes people make poor choices and all we can do is love and hope for the best. In this case (and to some degree I understand since you have a child) you enabled her. I would suggest looking into why you put up with all of this for so long.  I would also like to ask why, if your child has been put in harms way in the past by people whom she surrounds herself with, are you allowing her 50/50 visitation. Is there a clause where it needs to be supervised visitation? If not I would ask that your lawyer amend the paperwork again. And if needed set up an appointment with you attorney and her requested presence to sign the paperwork. I do not know what state you are in, however it is my understanding that some states will proceed with a divorce even if they other party refuses to sign paperwork after so much time has passed. I would definitely ask your lawyer about this. I certainly hope for the best for you childs health/safety and your sanity that things continue on the postive necessary path. Best of luck!
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

We dated for 3 and a half years starting Sophomore year all the way up through our first semester in college. I don’t know where I went wrong. I’ve tried everything to get her back and failed miserably and now I just don’t want to be miserable anymore. It’s been two months since the break up and I’ve been trying to get over it. I’ve been hanging out with friends, meeting other girls, and nothing seems to work. I’ve started working out A LOT and that doesn’t help either. I completely cut her off. When she texted me I wouldn’t txt back or I’d be intentionally rude to her to get her to stop texting. I blocked her on Facebook. Yet when I wake up in the morning she’s still the first person I think about. When I go to sleep she’s the last person I think about. I’m sick of waking up at night and feeling lonely without her. I’m sick of having dreams about her. I just want it all to stop and nothing I do works! Help!

(Details on the break up: It was not mutual. She left me for someone else and seemingly forgot all about me which just makes it all the more painful.)

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The best thing you can do is what you are doing right now, processing and keeping your distance from her. Love is beautiful and magical until it ends then it’s extremely painful but necessary. If she dropped you for someone else then realize that it is definitely not meant to be. And of course you still think about her because you were still in love when she broke it off. The best thing you can do is give yourself time to let go and move on. Time and distractions are the best thing to help. I would definitely find something that you really enjoy to balance your work schedule. That way it isn’t all work and no play. In a few months you will be able to look back at where you are now and realize how far you have come. But the best thing you can do is to let your head and your heart process what has happened.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

Even when we know it going nowhere and we have tried our best to work things out, why is it still hard to let go. I know he has issues which he won’t address and I got tired long ago with taking on all the responsibility. I am in a better place within myself and working on self care but has anyone any suggestions to help shake the feeling of defeat. For so long I believed that my efforts and love would change him – yes that old story – it is just nonsense. These feelings linger even when I tell myself I deserve better etc. Thanks.
-Trying to be Strong
 
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Dear Trying to be Strong,
Any time someone is emotionally invested into a relationship that’s where things always get hard. Emotions have a way of confusing us of what is really at hand. You know now that this person has no intention of bettering himself. This in the end was and still is his choice. You choose to look at the bigger picture and realize that something needed to change. So you did, and he choose not to go along. Again, this was his choice. In the end we all have an equal share of the relationship there has to be some balance- otherwise when the it tilts one way this is what happens. You did what was right for you- you will find happiness again, you should definitely speak with a therapist and figure out why you choose to be with this person in the first place. There is more here, but for you specifically to learn from.

What are your thoughts or experiences when it comes to moving on? Please feel free to comment below.

 
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com
 

Love is Divine

I’m a very sick wife/mother that wants to choose a new wife/mother for my husband before I die, is that right?

-C

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I think as a wife and partner for life you would want the very best for those that you love with or without you. However, I think that you should enjoy the time that you do have with him now. He is probably trying very hard to hold on to every moment that he has left with you. So I wouldn’t recommend discussing this with him while you are still alive. Instead do all the things that you both wanted to do together but didn’t get the chance to before you pass.  If you have a living will, write a letter that can be presented to him from your attorney. In the note assure him how much he means to you, that you will always be there for him even if it’s not in the flesh, and that you want the very best for him. And when he is ready to find love that you respect it and want him to continue to live his life and be happy. Love has no bounds and does not judge. I think it’s admirable that you are looking at this with understanding, compassion and honest realistic love. Bless you.