Tag Archive: separation


When you’re in love with someone and in a relationship for 13 years and find out they are not happy being with you, how do you not feel like a total loser?  I’ve always thought she was the kindest most tolerant and accepting person I’ve ever met.  If I can’t make it work with her, what hope is there for me?  How can I NOT feel like a piece of s***.  She loves me and wants me in her life, but is just not happy.  Now she wants to start dating again.  How does one handle something like this? Feeling like a total waste of space right now. I am the one still in love with her.  Her announcement that she wanted to split was a total shock to me.  She moved into a separate room, but we’ve been sharing a house for the last 8 months and it has been a living hell for me.  She is so excited to be moving on and I’m sitting here feeling like my whole world was ripped from under my feet. She had told me that I could stay as long as I wanted and that it would be a few years before she got her life together and would even consider dating.  Now she wants to start dating again and I can feel that it’s time for me to leave.  I feel like it’s just more promises not being kept.  What happened to commitment?  To working things out?  I’m just devastated, have never lived alone and feel totally left out in the cold.

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I understand that this is a hard time for you right now. Sometimes people grow apart unfortunately. It’s hard to find balance in life, family, careers, and self. It sounds like she loves you but has lost herself along the way. There are a few words that you have used that peak my interest- “tolerant” and “accepting”. What was it about your relationship that you think she needed to be tolerant of? We all have to bend somewhat for the other person but tolerant seems like a strong word choice. As for her, were there any signs that she was unhappy? Think back to when you first met and how happy she was and what she did when she was happy. Does she not involve herself within these activities anymore? What changed? 13 years is a long time for people to grow and experience life, is there anything that stands out? The crummy part about this whole thing is that it takes two to tango and one of the dancers wants to rest or dance with someone new that leaves the other person at a stand still. If you are emotionally able I would ask that she sit down with you and have a heart to heart and honest open moment. Somewhere in the mix of this communication wasn’t clear since this is such a big surprise to you. Through pain and heartache comes a valuable lesson. I would ask her what changed and what happened? You might not be able to change her mind but at least you will have a better idea of where it went wrong. Also, living alone might seem scary initally but it’s necessary for growth and learning about oneself. It’s unhealthy to flitter from one relationship to the next without providing pause to review the lessons that were provided. Give this time and reflection-the lessons will become clear and your heart will mend.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

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My husband has been married twice and has had 4 children and we just got married in october now me and him are expecting a child and I’m worried he’s gonna leave me too. I know he probably won’t but I’m scared he’s going to. I’m afraid to talk to him about it. We both really love each other but I’m just afraid to talk to him. Should I talk to him about it ?
-Worried Mom-to-be
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Dear Worried,
I would first want to know if you have any insight into why he left his last two marriages. It might have nothing to do with the fact there were children involved but more so that the relationships themselves fell apart. If you already know the back story for his previous two marriages and it has nothing to do with the children then you should be fine. Does he seem excited and happy that you are both expecting? If you don’t have the story on his failed marriages you should ask. It’s important to learn from one anothers mistakes as well as know how the other person learned and maybe did not learn from those experiences. If you know each others weakness you will better understand how to work together and through lifes changes. Could it also be possible that hormones are getting the best of you right now and you overthinking the matter? This could be contributing to your uncertainty as well.
 
*If you have a question or topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com
 

I have been in a relationship with my fiance for 6 years now, bought a house last year and have a 2 year old daughter. However, for some time now (on and off for about 3 years) I have been questioning how happy I truly am in this relationship. When I have been looking at other forums on the subject I find alot of people have to deal with abuse, divorce, affairs which is nothing like what I have to deal with and I feel abit silly for the things I do deal with and complain about. I hate the way he talks to me sometimes, he can be disrespectful (his father oftens talks to his mother this way so no doubt his upbringing obviously plays a part) he can be quite serious and is meticulous in cleaning as in he wants the house to be clean all the time. With me working part time and being a mother I find it difficult to do it to his standard all the time, let alone having his dinner on the table when he gets home from work. He snaps at me sometimes (especially when he has been without marijuana for a while – he is trying his best to quit this) and in general conversation he can get quite uptight and angry. He is not like this all the time but it is happening more as time goes on. I have spoken to him about these issues and have almost left the home a couple of times, things change for abit but then he reverts back to his ways. I know I should be happy as in a sense I have everything I wanted, a home, children, someone who I know will never cheat on me (I have been hurt in the past so this means a lot to me) but I just find myself not feeling the love I should anymore. We still have sex which is great when it happens but it can take abit of initiation on his part for me to be interested. When he’s being horrible, I just don’t feel like putting out but sometimes I do just to keep the peace and keep him happy. Apart from the above, he is generally a decent person. He works all week long, pays most of the household bills and I know if it came to it, he would do anything for me or our daughter. Despite this, I have been feeling this way for a long time now but just cannot seem to find the courage to go. It goes completely against my grain to have children and then split up and have a weekend father. I was brought up in this environment and both my sisters have had children with men and broken up. I promised myself that I would not let this happen to me and that the person I have children with is the person I would be with for life. So I am feeling extremely torn in my belief system and my happiness. I sometimes think of life alone with my daughter and feel a sense of relief but at the same time I think of him with someone else and it hurts. I know this is not the right reason to stay with someone and I do love him but I am quite indecisive in nature and am so worried that if I go and realise that I’ve made a mistake, that he will not take me back. This would be a huge regret and with my daughter to think about, is not a risk I can take unless I am absolutely sure it is what I want. My brain tends to be overactive and I find it extremely difficult to calm my thoughts long enough. I feel like I am thinking about it every day and it is exhausting. I just wish I knew what to do, make a decision and stick to it. If any one has any advice, I would love to hear from you.
-Unhappy

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Dear Unhappy,

I think a few things need to addressed first. Number one you should never have sex with someone just to keep the peace or make that person happy. The point of sex besides feeling nice is also to create an intimate and deeper bond between the two of you. By just giving in you are detaching yourself from the connection. This is not healthy. If you are both willing I highly recommend marriage counseling. It will help each of you figure out how to communicate, relate, and understand each other more effectively. If this is not an option for you then I would recommend you take care of yourself and your child. Otherwise, you are teaching your children (child) that being verbally/emotional abused is ok. It is good that you realize that your husband learned this behavior early on. A lot of people do not make that connection. The good news it can be changed and modified if he wants to change it. It will take some work on both of your parts but it can be accomplished. I hope you find peace and happiness.
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Ex Problems

Okay. My ex decided that we should walk away from each other and we’d both be better off without each other. I had trust issues from the last relationship, I know it’s unnacceptable ect. but I’ve learned my lesson the hard way.

We kept talking afterwards as neither of us wanted this. Some guy kept appearing all over her facebook as soon as we broke up, and she was calling him things like ‘husband’. Anyway my issues came again and accused her of cheating. This really flipped her off. Again, this is where I learned my lesson. Told me not to call or text again.

A week later she texts me see as she knew I was at the same gig. Kept telling me to come and see her, so I did. Said Hi and that was it, I didn’t want to make a scene.

She unfriended me on facebook but later sent a text saying ‘sorry, I can’t move on if you’re on my facebook’

I tried the whole I love you, miss you, wanna carry on thing but all she said was ‘I don’t think we could ever go back to the way we were at the start’ so I’ve shut down now.

She’s been talking about giving stuff back to each other since the start of the break up. I told her we need to do it, as I feel I can’t move on until it’s done, baggage etc.

Everytime we organise to give things back she always has an excuse why she can’t. It’s really annoying me now and I’m begininng to hate her for it. I just want to get it done with so I don’t have to text her or call her again!

Yesterday was the 8th excuse. I told her I can drop it off while she’s at work or something but she doesn’t want to do it that way.

I also told her to forget about my stuff at one point, lets just move on. She sent a text back saying I’m childish, pathetic and immature. Later she went on about how much she wants a certain dvd back. Surely she is the pathetic one there? Also these texts aren’t really conversations anymore, just about when each other is free, about 3 or 4 every 2 or 3 days.

The relationship is over and done with, she’s made that clear by telling me it’s over. What can I do to give things back? And don’t just say block communication. I’m a decent guy and if she wants her stuff back she can have it, unless she tells me otherwise.

Thanks for your answer 🙂 I’m pretty messed up with having to contact each other with this, I don’t want to say anything wrong. Just looking for advice on how to do this, obviously I still have feelings for her.

J

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Hello J,

First and foremost, we all have some form of baggage and there are a lot of people in this world that have trust issues. So no need to apologize for being this way, instead look at this as a life lesson, spend some time reflecting how it fell apart and what you personally could have done better. This way for the next person you will have a better understanding of yourself and will know how to apply this lesson to real life experience. Also, be patient with yourself love can be hard to get over sometimes!

As for the items, is there anything that she has at this point that cannot be replaced? And/or holds no personal/sentimental value to you other than related to your relationship? If not wipe your hands clean and tell her she can keep everything. If there is something that means a lot to you because a good friend or a family member gave it to you then she should definitely give it back.  If she wants the dvd leave it on her front door step.  It isn’t fair to drag this out for either one of you. It’s time to move on and wipe the slate clean!