Tag Archive: trust


Do I tell my wife about my Love Child? My marriage of 18 years hit a several year rough spell.  I began to date a younger person who I told my wife about.  My wife and I through communication reconciled and began a great new chapter in our life.  After I ended the affair I was told by my former girlfriend that she was pregnant.  I told my wife she was pregnant and with my wifes knowledge I took my ex-girlfriend to get an abortion.  When discussing the pregnancy initially my wife told me she couldn’t stay married to me if she had the child.  Who can blame her!!!.  Just my horrible luck in life the abortion did not work and I recently learned she is still pregnant with a healthy baby and she is having it.  She allowed me to speak with her doctors because I questioned the “failed” abortion.  The doctor confirmed the failed abortion and told me the due date which is consistent with the first pregnancy.  Now – what do I do with my wife and family.  Do I tell my wife and children or just my wife.  I can not live keeping this secret from my wife and I am totally unsure as to how she will deal with this.  Please offer advice

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It’s good that you wish to divulge the truth to your wife, she deserves that respect. I would first discuss this with your wife and explain that the abortion did fail and that she is more than welcome to discuss the details with the doctor. No sense in letting your children know until your wife and you decide how to handle the outcome.The best thing you can do is be upfront and honest and also take care of your children. It’s a responsibility that was brought into this world on your own accord. You cannot choose to ignore it. Either way be upfront it will work out the way it is meant to work out in the end.

Is It Ok to be Jealous?

My wife and I have been married for 6 years, I’m 32 she is 28. My wife is a very attractive woman so she does get a lot of attention when she goes out, even with me. But we have a good relationship, she doesn’t go out alone other than once a month with her girl friends and occasionally to work functions, although I sometimes go on these too.
But last weekend she went to a party in Mansfield, (we live in Birmingham) on a minibus with a bunch of guys from work and a few girls. Well 3 girls and 12 guys to be exact! Plus it was a fancy dress party with ‘school days’ as the theme. She wore a blouse, blazer, red tartan miniskirt, white over-the-knee stockings and black high heel shoes. I felt extremely jealous, especially as I could not go as I was in London attending a work event, but she did invite me and wanted me to go.
The thing is, I felt a bit jealous when she showed me her outfit, but as I was away on the night I didn’t see her dressed up in it. So this week it was kind of forgotten about and life was normal, until last night when her friend emailed over all the photos. This was the first time I saw her in her outfit, WOW! She looked so hot and sexy in her white over-knee stockings and heels and her skirts was so short! Her hair was in pigtails too so she looked so cute! There was this one pic of her dancing with these 4 guys behind her all looking and smiling, then I saw a photo of her posing really sexy with her arm round a guy, then I saw a photo of her sitting on a guy’s lap with her legs crossed looking very comfortable  laughing with him and a guy sitting either side of them. (his hands were not on her though) I just felt so annoyed and jealous… we had a row and she accused me of being a child! I told her that she even went on a minibus with 12 guys dressed like that too! I know she didn’t do anything as she’s not like that, but she can flirt!
It all now feels like its my fault and I am the bad guy, all because of jealously. Do people think I am being stupid and should apologise, or am I right to react this way? I know its not a big deal compared to other questions on here, but I just don’t want to do the wrong thing.

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Jealousy is a normal and healthy thing, as long as you don’t let it ruin or control a relationship. I think I would just tell her that she looked so amazing that you were more miffed that you couldn’t be a part of the party. Maybe you can ask for her to give you a private show 🙂 Being upset shows that you still care and are interested.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Everything seemed normal about him, until the day I switched high schools. At first I noticed I would see his car parked in places where I walk frequently. I immediately was caught off guard, but I later convinced myself I was imagining things. A few months later, I was able to get a better look at who was inside the car; at that point I knew for sure it was him. For months, he would sit in his car; watching me, as I walked past his car to catch the bus everyday. He started appearing at every bus stop I would wait at and then it progressed to him following me to every job that I had. Within that time he was also able to find out where I lived; this went on for a total of 2 years. I kept trying to convince myself, that this will end, and that he will get bored stalking me– he never did. There would be periods where I would not see him (2 to 3 months time frame) then he would start stalking me again. He continued to stalk me the following year, not once making any effort to confront me or “talk”. When i then decided to go to college, he managed to find out the college i ended up attending (he followed my parents as they drove me to the college). Everyday after my classes, he would drive all the way down from our home town, to my college (1hr 30min drive). I was always one step ahead of him, so i pretty much predicted he would show up there. Before he found out the college i attended, i scanned the parking lots and took a guess at which one he most likely would appear at. A few months later i saw his car, sitting in the parking lot (the one i predicted he would be at). Again, I kept trying to convince myself that this will end and that he will stop- he never did. I was so overwhelmed by the stress of him stalking me, that i ended up having panic attacks every time i would walk to my classes. I soon stopped going and ended up withdrawing from the college. I was only in college for a year, but he really messed up my life. I am now having to complete my studies online.
Things were looking good for a while, I would go out with my friends and to parties, I did not see him in his car anywhere close by. A few months later I ended up getting a really good job at an office firm. I was really beginning to think the stalking days were over; I would drive to work and scan the area and never once did I see him in his car. I figured, since I did not see his car, he moved on from stalking me.. 3 Months later into my job I see him sitting in his car in my work parking lot (a new car he ended up buying, which is why I did not realize he was watching me, only until he made his appearance at my work parking lot.), just watching me. At that point, I realized he was never going to quit, this has been going on for 5 plus years. Due to stress, panic attacks and fear, I ended up quitting my job today. He showed up at my house recently as well (he stood outside my house for a while, until finally ringing the doorbell), I guess he was getting inpatient since he realized I am not leaving the house as much. I am starting to slowly lose my friends. All the guys who i begin to see, quickly lost interest in me, once they figured out my fear of going out places and being stalked by him again. My stalker has basically ruined what should have been the best years of my life. We are both in our early 20’s and I just don’t know how to go about dealing with this anymore. I don’t want to have this continue to go on for the rest of my life! I have told family members and friends, but since I did not take pictures or evidence they basically think i have gone crazy. The only person I have for support is my best friend, she is the only one who believes me. I would have taken pictures and proof if I knew he was never going to stop, but unfortunately he hasn’t. I have 5 years of him stalking me and zero proof. I figured after 2 or 3 years he will get bored, but he never did.
Note: I knew him from school, he was only an acquaintance. We never even dated! and this is how he acts
** I would have taken pictures but I thought he would stop! I never would of imagined that someone that I grew up with.. would behave this way? He liked me in highschool but nothing ever became of us.. I always found him to be strange in his approach. I ended up switching high schools and this is what happens!

 

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First, tell him directly in public, in a respectful manner to leave you alone and that he needs to move on. If he persists, start taking pictures, set it up to where you can use a buddy system so that you aren’t alone/have witness to the stalking, and file charges. You can get a restraining order on him. Have you ever directly asked him to stop and to leave you alone? You need to regain control of your life and your privacy. He sounds like a disturbed individual. Because you have done nothing he assumes that is what you will continue to do. You need to stand up for yourself. Here are a few links that might be of some help:
http://www.ncvc.org/src/Main.aspx

http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/whatnot.…

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

How can I stop my fiancé from thinking I cheat all the time? I have been with my other half for nearly 3 years now and at first his accusations weren’t that bad, but they are slowly getting worse. I don’t want to leave him so please don’t suggest that. I really want to make things work because when things are good between us they are excellent. I love him so much and I really don’t want this to ruin things for us! Please help! 😦

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This is not your issue it’s his. If you have remained faithful this is a huge fear that he will have to overcome. Marriage is based on trust. If he doesn’t have it in you then there is really nothing you can do. I know you do not want to give up on this but do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is always questioning you? Also, this could be a guilty conscience on his part…I think you might want to sit down and tell him it’s all or none. He either let’s this go and trusts you or you are done.

*If you or have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

My boyfriend thinks I’m cheating with my ex? He thinks he calls me everyday at work. What should I do?

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There are a few things at play. Either he has trust issues due to unfaithful past relationships or he might have a guilty conscience. If it is a previous trust issue I would let him know that this is not the case and that you understand that he might have experienced this in the past. But you are not those people and if he wants this relationship to continue and work he needs to trust you. And know that it might take some time so you will have to be patient. If he can’t move past this then you need to let him go. And if you think it’s a guilty conscience then it’s best to move on too otherwise you will always wonder.
 
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com
 

My wife won’t stop and it’s making me crazy? She won’t stop Complaining about my ex!
We’ll call my wife becky and call my ex Krissie

Here are the cliff notes:

Krissie and I broke up

I met Becky and we got married a couple weeks later

Krissie found out she pregnant and told me

my wife and mother said she was a liar just trying to get me back

Krissie came with an ultrasound and note from her doctor estimating conception

I was an idiot and denied my son which I’ll always regret because I missed out on his first years and will never get that back. I was afraid of ruining my marriage.

Everyone in my wife’s family kept telling her to demand a paternity test

We got one. Yeah he’s my kid. Krissie hated me for implying otherwise but forgave me for the sake of our son. she has allowed me to be part of his life, I see him almost everyday now, and she even decided not to sue for back child support since I am now providing financially & emotionally.

The problem is my wife hates my ex. It’s like she can’t stop herself from complaining about krissie. according to my brother krissie is a dream ex… he has 4 kids from 4 moms so I guess he knows

Krissie only calls me if it concerns our son (serious stuff, not “just to talk”)

Every time I go to pick him up he is clean and happy, and she doesn’t say bad things about me to him (he’s a kid who repeats what he hears , which is why Krissie won’t let becky be around him anymore because the first time she met him she called his mom a lot of bad things, and I agreed my wife doesn’t need to be in his life, when she’s acting that way)

She doesn’t sleep around so I don’t have to worry about creeps being around my kid and she’s just a great mom to him . I love my wife and I want our marriage to work but it’s becoming to much to handle. We argue everyday, she says I want Kris back, she says Kris wants me, and she implies that my son isn’t mine even though we had the tests and he looks exactly like me.

I just need to know how I can get her to understand that I just want to be a good father. I hate myself for denying him for so long. I never thought i’d be one of those dead beats. Sometime i want to cry thinking about all the things I missed.Ii don’t blame my wife because i am a grown man and made my own decisions, but I felt so much pressure from her and my mother, saying that there was no way she just found out about the pregnancy right after i got married. the truth is part of me knew the truth, I guess I was a coward so I don’t need people telling me what scum I am, because I already know, I just want to have a good life and be and good dad. what can I do to reassure my wife that the extent of my relationship with Kris is that we love our son and that’s it.

-Loving Father at Wits End
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Dear Loving Father,
 
You need to talk with your wife and be just as honest as you have been here. Tell her that you love her and never want to make her feel uncomfortable but you also love your son and have an obligation to be a good father to him. You need to ask her that she respect the mother of your child because the child had no control of being born into this family. It’s not fair nor healthy to the child to hear negative things about his/her own mother. It also makes it difficult for the child to want to bond with your current wife. I would also reccommend you tell your wife that it makes you uncomfortable and it hurts your feelings to see her act this way. If you cannot come to an agreement I would reccomend couples thearpy so you have an outside source who can help you through this. Keep on being a great dad- the child will be grateful later that you stepped up and are apart of his life now.
 
* If you have a question or topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@hotmail.com
 

Facebook & Marriage

Why do people (my husband) think its ok to flirt on Facebook and [then] erase messages from [his] wife?

anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

This is a tough subject because I personally have mixed emotions about Facebook. I think it is an excellent platform for businesses and marketing. As well as for personal use to keep in touch with friends and family and allows you to reconnect with the people of our past. However, many people hide behind a computer and use this tool negatively (bullying, illegal activities, adultery, journaling, etc) rather than in a positive manner. There is nothing wrong with someone flirting a little in my opinion however more so on the receiving end-knowing that others are interested in you makes you feel good about yourself. And as a wife myself when someone is interested in my husband I am flattered not threatened because I know that he is committed to our relationship. 
However, creating an illusion of someone who you are not is unhealthy. It sounds like your husband has become caught up in the world of internet make-believe. It also sounds like subconsciously he is starting to lose interest in your relationship. Many people do not realize that although it might just be text or some random website people do pay attention and there are people on the receiving end of what is written…or in your case deleted. If I were you I would suggest that you and he go to counseling to get to the root of the issue and to assist you with confronting this hurtful behavior.

* Do you think this is normal behaviour? Do you have another helpful suggestion for our reader? Please comment below.

Love is Divine

I’m a very sick wife/mother that wants to choose a new wife/mother for my husband before I die, is that right?

-C

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I think as a wife and partner for life you would want the very best for those that you love with or without you. However, I think that you should enjoy the time that you do have with him now. He is probably trying very hard to hold on to every moment that he has left with you. So I wouldn’t recommend discussing this with him while you are still alive. Instead do all the things that you both wanted to do together but didn’t get the chance to before you pass.  If you have a living will, write a letter that can be presented to him from your attorney. In the note assure him how much he means to you, that you will always be there for him even if it’s not in the flesh, and that you want the very best for him. And when he is ready to find love that you respect it and want him to continue to live his life and be happy. Love has no bounds and does not judge. I think it’s admirable that you are looking at this with understanding, compassion and honest realistic love. Bless you.