Should I stay for my daughters sake?

I am married to a narcissistic, verbally abusive man, who seemed to get way worse after our daughter was born.  He is very controlling, drinks a lot, doesn’t want to work (does but complains about it), and expects me to pick up the slack for everything (like his child support).  He always accuses me of cheating on him.  Nothing I do is ever right, I never do anything good enough, I can’t seem to do enough.  Anyway, I wanted some insight from people who have been through this.  I want to leave, but get sick when I think about my little one year old having to spend time with him.  It scares me!  I know she has to have a relationship with her dad, but I just want her to be safe.  Is it better to stay until she gets older or leave and let her have stability and normalcy with me in a separate household?

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There is no stability and normalcy in the relationship now from what you have described. I would suggest taking care of yourself for the sake of you and for the sake of your daughters well being. Having a child is a blessing but also a responsibility. If he is not up for the task no sense in waiting around for him to figure it out. I agree with you a child does need their father/mother in their lives but sometimes if that person isn’t well or has personal issues then it’s best to remove the child. Children are impressionable and innocent they should be guarded from any negative influences. I would suggest you do what is best for you which will in turn be what is best for the child in this case.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

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Why is my husband acting like this?

My husband and I have been separated 2 months now and I can’t understand wtf is going on with him. It baffles me that it was and has been so easy for him to leave our marriage and our daughter. He’s been acting differently and saying different things so I can’t make any sense of what is going on through his head. Since he left he’s been running around with his friends hanging out with them all the time and getting drunk (rather than seeing our daughter) and he’s making it seem like he’s not even willing to try and work things out. We have both mutually decided to come up with and sign a separation agreement (with our lawyers) and have both agreed that at this time we don’t want to file for divorce, just a separation agreement so everything with child support and all that is on paper. I’ve asked him if he would consider giving us a chance to work things out instead of just throwing our marriage away like it meant nothing and he keeps saying he will have to think about it. Yesterday was so hard for me because I had offered if he wanted to come over and grill with me and our daughter after the parade in town and he said he didn’t have any plans so he’d think about it and then when he came to see our daughter at the parade he told me he’d be going to his friends house for a bbq. I honestly don’t know if I expected him to come but it hurt that he’s choosing his friends over our daughter even though he’s been doing that since he left. If it were just me and him I would have told him to go f*ck himself and not even bothered trying because of the way he has been acting but it’s not just me and him, it’s me and him and our daughter and I feel like for her sake he should at least try. The reasons we separated in the first place are trivial and are all stupid little things that can be worked out but he just doesn’t seem to give a sh*t. He says and does different things that confuse me, one day he’ll say certain things and act like he wants to get back together and the next day he’s saying different things and acting differently and I don’t know what to do anymore. Why in the world is it so damn easy for him to not even care? To just walk away from his family and not even seem willing to try and work things out? I’ve tried explaining that we should at least try before he just throws our marriage away but he doesn’t seem to want to hear it, but on the other hand he doesn’t want to file for divorce, just separation which gets me even more confused. Our daughter is now 13 months old and I’ve hardly ever asked him for anything. He worked so I could stay home with her so I was always the one doing everything for her. I never once asked him to get up with her (although he couldn’t anyway since I breastfed), I never asked him to change diapers or bathe her or do anything. The only thing I ever asked of him was to watch her to watch her while I showered and to mow the lawn and take the garbage out.

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I think what really needs to be asked here is what exactly do you want? It appears that you wish for him to take the relationship more seriously for the sake of your new child. However, you have no control nor say on how he chooses to decide or not to decide to spend time with her. I would recommend giving him space and focusing more on your childs well being. If he decides to be absent then he will eventually regret this decision. However, it is not your place to help him learn this valuable lesson. In my opinion I do not believe in separation at least in this case. It appears that he has no idea what he wants and maybe was not ready for an 18 year commitment to a new child. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood. I’m not excusing his behaviour however did he show any signs before and during your pregnancy that might reflect his actions today? I would tell him that either he wants to be a part of his child’s life or he doesn’t. And then I would give him the divorce papers. I’m not saying ever keeping your child from their father. This should be available to him at anytime (and if needed with supervision) but it sounds like he was never really present to begin with and you are hoping for a new behaviour that never existed in the first place.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

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Should I pay child support if my wife has a job?

Should I pay child support if my wife has a job? Suppose say that my wife and I divorce and my wife was earning the same amount as me every year. Should I pay only 50% of money for child support if I don’t get full or sole custody or 100%

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It’s different per state, I know that you are probably angry or maybe resentful with your soon to be ex-wife- but at the end of the day the health, security, and safety of your child is all that matters. Focus on that and not the actual cost. If your intention is focused on that and the child then that makes all the difference.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

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Wife Won’t Stop Complaining About My Ex

My wife won’t stop and it’s making me crazy? She won’t stop Complaining about my ex!
We’ll call my wife becky and call my ex Krissie

Here are the cliff notes:

Krissie and I broke up

I met Becky and we got married a couple weeks later

Krissie found out she pregnant and told me

my wife and mother said she was a liar just trying to get me back

Krissie came with an ultrasound and note from her doctor estimating conception

I was an idiot and denied my son which I’ll always regret because I missed out on his first years and will never get that back. I was afraid of ruining my marriage.

Everyone in my wife’s family kept telling her to demand a paternity test

We got one. Yeah he’s my kid. Krissie hated me for implying otherwise but forgave me for the sake of our son. she has allowed me to be part of his life, I see him almost everyday now, and she even decided not to sue for back child support since I am now providing financially & emotionally.

The problem is my wife hates my ex. It’s like she can’t stop herself from complaining about krissie. according to my brother krissie is a dream ex… he has 4 kids from 4 moms so I guess he knows

Krissie only calls me if it concerns our son (serious stuff, not “just to talk”)

Every time I go to pick him up he is clean and happy, and she doesn’t say bad things about me to him (he’s a kid who repeats what he hears , which is why Krissie won’t let becky be around him anymore because the first time she met him she called his mom a lot of bad things, and I agreed my wife doesn’t need to be in his life, when she’s acting that way)

She doesn’t sleep around so I don’t have to worry about creeps being around my kid and she’s just a great mom to him . I love my wife and I want our marriage to work but it’s becoming to much to handle. We argue everyday, she says I want Kris back, she says Kris wants me, and she implies that my son isn’t mine even though we had the tests and he looks exactly like me.

I just need to know how I can get her to understand that I just want to be a good father. I hate myself for denying him for so long. I never thought i’d be one of those dead beats. Sometime i want to cry thinking about all the things I missed.Ii don’t blame my wife because i am a grown man and made my own decisions, but I felt so much pressure from her and my mother, saying that there was no way she just found out about the pregnancy right after i got married. the truth is part of me knew the truth, I guess I was a coward so I don’t need people telling me what scum I am, because I already know, I just want to have a good life and be and good dad. what can I do to reassure my wife that the extent of my relationship with Kris is that we love our son and that’s it.

-Loving Father at Wits End

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Dear Loving Father,

 

You need to talk with your wife and be just as honest as you have been here. Tell her that you love her and never want to make her feel uncomfortable but you also love your son and have an obligation to be a good father to him. You need to ask her that she respect the mother of your child because the child had no control of being born into this family. It’s not fair nor healthy to the child to hear negative things about his/her own mother. It also makes it difficult for the child to want to bond with your current wife. I would also reccommend you tell your wife that it makes you uncomfortable and it hurts your feelings to see her act this way. If you cannot come to an agreement I would reccomend couples thearpy so you have an outside source who can help you through this. Keep on being a great dad- the child will be grateful later that you stepped up and are apart of his life now.

 

* If you have a question or topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@hotmail.com