Should I Give the Father of My Unborn Baby a Chance ?

I’m 19 weeks pregnant, been together 5 years and it’s been a volatile relationship. I had made up my mind to leave at new year. but on new years eve I discovered im pregnant. I never thought I could get pregnant as I tried for 8 years with my ex husband and then me and my partner never used any protection for 5 years. the doctor told me i would need IVF or treatment to have kids. So I’m happy but feeling nervous that my relationship isn’t 100% reliable. my partner has a temper sometimes and brings up the past when he has a drink. he can be jealous and paranoid about the most innocent things.

We spent the Easter weekend seeing family and I was happy. once again he caused tension and thought I was talking about him and said I had humiliated him over something trivial. I cried all evening, my family have had enough of him and on top of that I’m so aware that I can’t get stressed otherwise I might harm my baby.

Then last night I could sense he was going to have a go at me, he had had a beer and started moaning about my family. i started crying and told him i cant handle the way he is and a baby. i left and went to my aunt’s house. I do love him otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed 5 years. we do have some great times, we share so many passions and after all these years we still have an extremely passionate relationship.

I’m just fed up of his behaviour towards me, his jealousy and lack of trust in me. We can be having a great day but then he will just flip.

What do I suggest to make this work? What do I do? Should I try for the baby? All I’ve ever wanted was a family but I’m so gutted that now I have my miracle baby I don’t have a good partner to share these times with. It’s so sad. I sometimes wonder why this baby was sent to me now, when it seems like my relationship is so difficult.

Would counselling work? What should I do? should I give him one last chance or do this on my own now? It also breaks my heart that if i leave he will go on to meet other women, its so hard to know what to do!

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Congrats for your little blessing. A baby is a huge responsibility and it sounds like your partner can’t take care of himself let alone you right now. If you were planning on leaving in the first place it’s because it’s the best decision for you and your safety. I think a parent should be involved in their child’s life but that doesn’t mean that the parents have to be together if there is no future between the two of them. I would separate from him and tell him that you have a responsibility to this unborn child and it’s overall well-being. That you want him to be a part of the baby’s life but only if he is able to commit to a clean/sober life. Counseling is a great option. If you still want to make this work for the two of you (not just the baby) then great. If it’s just for the baby you are just prolonging the inevitable. Sometimes when people are given a choice and realize they have a responsibility they do shape up. But this is up to him you will have no control over his actions. In asking him to seek help and take care of himself isn’t being unfair or asking too much. You have the child’s best interest at heart. Since you have family members who have seen this behavior they can vouch for you. It will be shaky but you’ve wanted a baby for so long and it’s here now- how you choose to proceed is up to you.

 

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

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How Do I End a Long Term Relationship?

I am ending a longterm relationship w/ kids, how would you handle these manipulative guilt trips in a thoughtful way? I’m breaking up w my guy of 7 yrs. Our whole relationship he’s been caught cheating & lying.I put up with a lot of crap i shouldnt have cuz we were both VERY young and i was madly in love.And he’s a very good liar.The last & final straw was when i recently found out he is still sleeping with a girl coworker, and has been for close to 2 yrs.not just a sex thing thing a whole relationship.He was totally living a double life.They given me STDs a while ago and recently had a pregnancy scare. Anyways he’s been caught and I’m done for good. He is begging for millionth chance w me to be faithful ,while telling her he’s moved out from me.what makes it hard is that we have 1 child together 2 are mine(but he is the only Dad they know)and he can’t move out til this months end. Meanwhile he’s sleeping on the couch and goes back & forth from being excessively rude to me throwing things around to trying to hug me have sex etc. He keeps saying Nonstop ‘You wanted this to happen’,’You’ve never loved me”, ‘How can you do this to our family’,’Why cant we work this out’,’I cant believe you won’t try and go to counselling’,’our kids need two parents and you won’t even try’, and the list goes on and on. I know it’s all a load of crap but it infuriates me,and I’m trying so hard to stay levelheaded and rational.WHAT DO I SAY TO THESE COMMENTS.( Keep in mind the kids are usually around. I need some tips on dealing with him until he moves on)
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He sounds like someone who has control issues. Sometimes when people are caught in something they feel the only way to get out is to place blame on everyone else instead of admitting to their faults. As for what to say you don’t really owe him a response. You’ve given him 7 years of your life and hoped for the best in this person. That’s a lot more than most would give. It’s time to release and move on. You will still have to deal with him to some degree because of the kids, but since the relationship has no foundation of trust there is no since in prolonging it further. If you really feel that you need to respond then I would recommend two things. Write him an email/letter being completely honest with you feelings and give it to him. Write him an email/letter being completely honest with you feelings and then destroy it. In doing either of things you are releasing your thoughts and feelings which will provide you closure. If you choose to give it to him maybe it will help him in the future to learn a lesson, maybe not. If you choose not to and sometimes this is a good option too at least you are able to let everything go. The choice to share your thoughts and feelings with this person is totally up to your discretion. Sometimes it makes a difference and sometimes and falls on deaf ears. You will move forward and get through this- there is a lesson to be learned and it looks like you are beginning to see a path that leads to a bright future.

 

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

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Paternity Testing for Unborn Child?

We are expecting our first child in May. I am sort of paranoid about things and I would feel more comfortable if I had a paternity test done on our baby just to confirm things. I don’t really think my wife cheated but anything is possible. I have a good friend who ended up raising a child for 3 years before finding out it wasn’t his. It destroyed him. I would really like to avoid something like that.

I was traveling a lot during the time of conception (August of 2011). I think we only had sex two times that entire month and we had been trying hard prior to then for about six months with no success. So I am a little concerned.

The thing I am concerned is with is my wife is going to probably be offended if I ask her for a paternity test. The implication is pretty clear and I don’t want to anger her too much. I am a little skeptical because of dates and my buddy’s experiences. I honestly would be stunned and heart broken if it wasn’t mine. I can’t fathom my wife would cheat on me AND get pregnant but better safe than sorry.

What is the best way to go about doing this without offending my wife? I am fine with waiting until after the birth to do the testing.

-Soon to be Dad

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Dear Soon to be Dad,

I don’t foresee this going over well nor there being a way not to offend her. It sounds like you have issues with trust that might need to be resolved. If you ask her for the test then she will know that you do not trust her which in turn creates doubt and can lead to the end of your marriage. I would seek counsel on your own and explain the thoughts and feelings that you are going through. Then once you feel comfortable you bring her into your sessions as well. Once the baby is born if you still have doubts you can always buy an over the counter test and do it on your own. I would tread lightly however on this one.

*If you have a topic or would like to submit a question please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

 

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I Want to Leave My Husband but Can’t

I have been in a relationship with my fiance for 6 years now, bought a house last year and have a 2 year old daughter. However, for some time now (on and off for about 3 years) I have been questioning how happy I truly am in this relationship. When I have been looking at other forums on the subject I find alot of people have to deal with abuse, divorce, affairs which is nothing like what I have to deal with and I feel abit silly for the things I do deal with and complain about. I hate the way he talks to me sometimes, he can be disrespectful (his father oftens talks to his mother this way so no doubt his upbringing obviously plays a part) he can be quite serious and is meticulous in cleaning as in he wants the house to be clean all the time. With me working part time and being a mother I find it difficult to do it to his standard all the time, let alone having his dinner on the table when he gets home from work. He snaps at me sometimes (especially when he has been without marijuana for a while – he is trying his best to quit this) and in general conversation he can get quite uptight and angry. He is not like this all the time but it is happening more as time goes on. I have spoken to him about these issues and have almost left the home a couple of times, things change for abit but then he reverts back to his ways. I know I should be happy as in a sense I have everything I wanted, a home, children, someone who I know will never cheat on me (I have been hurt in the past so this means a lot to me) but I just find myself not feeling the love I should anymore. We still have sex which is great when it happens but it can take abit of initiation on his part for me to be interested. When he’s being horrible, I just don’t feel like putting out but sometimes I do just to keep the peace and keep him happy. Apart from the above, he is generally a decent person. He works all week long, pays most of the household bills and I know if it came to it, he would do anything for me or our daughter. Despite this, I have been feeling this way for a long time now but just cannot seem to find the courage to go. It goes completely against my grain to have children and then split up and have a weekend father. I was brought up in this environment and both my sisters have had children with men and broken up. I promised myself that I would not let this happen to me and that the person I have children with is the person I would be with for life. So I am feeling extremely torn in my belief system and my happiness. I sometimes think of life alone with my daughter and feel a sense of relief but at the same time I think of him with someone else and it hurts. I know this is not the right reason to stay with someone and I do love him but I am quite indecisive in nature and am so worried that if I go and realise that I’ve made a mistake, that he will not take me back. This would be a huge regret and with my daughter to think about, is not a risk I can take unless I am absolutely sure it is what I want. My brain tends to be overactive and I find it extremely difficult to calm my thoughts long enough. I feel like I am thinking about it every day and it is exhausting. I just wish I knew what to do, make a decision and stick to it. If any one has any advice, I would love to hear from you.
-Unhappy

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Dear Unhappy,

I think a few things need to addressed first. Number one you should never have sex with someone just to keep the peace or make that person happy. The point of sex besides feeling nice is also to create an intimate and deeper bond between the two of you. By just giving in you are detaching yourself from the connection. This is not healthy. If you are both willing I highly recommend marriage counseling. It will help each of you figure out how to communicate, relate, and understand each other more effectively. If this is not an option for you then I would recommend you take care of yourself and your child. Otherwise, you are teaching your children (child) that being verbally/emotional abused is ok. It is good that you realize that your husband learned this behavior early on. A lot of people do not make that connection. The good news it can be changed and modified if he wants to change it. It will take some work on both of your parts but it can be accomplished. I hope you find peace and happiness.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

Wife Won’t Stop Complaining About My Ex

My wife won’t stop and it’s making me crazy? She won’t stop Complaining about my ex!
We’ll call my wife becky and call my ex Krissie

Here are the cliff notes:

Krissie and I broke up

I met Becky and we got married a couple weeks later

Krissie found out she pregnant and told me

my wife and mother said she was a liar just trying to get me back

Krissie came with an ultrasound and note from her doctor estimating conception

I was an idiot and denied my son which I’ll always regret because I missed out on his first years and will never get that back. I was afraid of ruining my marriage.

Everyone in my wife’s family kept telling her to demand a paternity test

We got one. Yeah he’s my kid. Krissie hated me for implying otherwise but forgave me for the sake of our son. she has allowed me to be part of his life, I see him almost everyday now, and she even decided not to sue for back child support since I am now providing financially & emotionally.

The problem is my wife hates my ex. It’s like she can’t stop herself from complaining about krissie. according to my brother krissie is a dream ex… he has 4 kids from 4 moms so I guess he knows

Krissie only calls me if it concerns our son (serious stuff, not “just to talk”)

Every time I go to pick him up he is clean and happy, and she doesn’t say bad things about me to him (he’s a kid who repeats what he hears , which is why Krissie won’t let becky be around him anymore because the first time she met him she called his mom a lot of bad things, and I agreed my wife doesn’t need to be in his life, when she’s acting that way)

She doesn’t sleep around so I don’t have to worry about creeps being around my kid and she’s just a great mom to him . I love my wife and I want our marriage to work but it’s becoming to much to handle. We argue everyday, she says I want Kris back, she says Kris wants me, and she implies that my son isn’t mine even though we had the tests and he looks exactly like me.

I just need to know how I can get her to understand that I just want to be a good father. I hate myself for denying him for so long. I never thought i’d be one of those dead beats. Sometime i want to cry thinking about all the things I missed.Ii don’t blame my wife because i am a grown man and made my own decisions, but I felt so much pressure from her and my mother, saying that there was no way she just found out about the pregnancy right after i got married. the truth is part of me knew the truth, I guess I was a coward so I don’t need people telling me what scum I am, because I already know, I just want to have a good life and be and good dad. what can I do to reassure my wife that the extent of my relationship with Kris is that we love our son and that’s it.

-Loving Father at Wits End

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Dear Loving Father,

 

You need to talk with your wife and be just as honest as you have been here. Tell her that you love her and never want to make her feel uncomfortable but you also love your son and have an obligation to be a good father to him. You need to ask her that she respect the mother of your child because the child had no control of being born into this family. It’s not fair nor healthy to the child to hear negative things about his/her own mother. It also makes it difficult for the child to want to bond with your current wife. I would also reccommend you tell your wife that it makes you uncomfortable and it hurts your feelings to see her act this way. If you cannot come to an agreement I would reccomend couples thearpy so you have an outside source who can help you through this. Keep on being a great dad- the child will be grateful later that you stepped up and are apart of his life now.

 

* If you have a question or topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@hotmail.com