Category: Divorce


I have been divorced for a many years now. Certain behaviors caused me to believe she was cheating on me when we were together. I would kiss her and think she smelled like another man. I beleive we just have the instinct to  know, even though I did my best to convince myself I was just paranoid. Then she started running around to bars at night, etc.., yet claims to be innocent. Yet, when a man she is with exhibits such behavior che cries foul!! Now in my last long term relationship I noticed the same concerns, and she absolutely was cheating on me. But my ex has never confessed, and I never saw direct evidence that she was. She has been in two relationships that I know of since we broke up, and both guys she claims have been cheating on her. I wonder if they saw the same signs in her that I saw, and believed her to be cheating on them, when in fact she just exhibits all of the signs of a cheater but doesn’t cheat. Is that possible or just highly unlikely?

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At the end of the day you will never know if she cheats or not. She might enjoy the attention of other men but might not have ever cheated, she might have. If you are no longer with her then it’s time to let it go. The past is in the past for a reason, if she chooses to cheat then she is just creating her own karma. It’s time to let this go and move forward with your life.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

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My wife left me about 18 months ago and left me with our 8 year old son, she still sees him but only every other weekend. Last week she said shed like to talk as she still has things to say so we met at a pub for a drink, we talked small talk for an hour or so and then she sat quiet, I asked what was up and she said “I had so much to say” so I asked her to tell me this is when a few things poured out about how she is having trouble getting over me and she misses me but couldn’t go on like we were, she tried bringing up some stuff but I just said yes I wish hadn’t done that but its in the past she also said that maybe us meeting would help her get over me?
Now I have been ok for a while but this has done my head in so my question is why is she doing this? Is she trying to get me back or just make herself feel better?

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 Sometimes we need to allow time and perspective to really clear our minds and vision of what and who we really want in our lives. I am sure there are still feelings there for you both but you need to figure out if this is worth it to you. And she needs to figure out why she left in the first place. If you already know the answers to these questions and you are completely comfortable with moving forward then do so, but tread lightly. If you are unsure and is she then if you both really want to make it work I would suggest counseling. Sometimes stuff from our past builds up and spills over into our daily lives. I believe that if you both were open and willing you could be very successful in becoming happier and healthier people. And that might mean together and that might mean apart, but either way the ending is positive.
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

I am seeing my 13 year old after 5 years. (The mother took her overseas and reprogrammed her)? My daughter and I have just connected over the phone and she is very genuine and looks forward to seeing me soon.  The mother just got remarried. I am overwhelmed with emotions I don’t know what to say to her?

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If she is excited to see you then it sounds like your ex couldn’t have “reprogrammed” her as much as you might think. Tell her the truth that you’ve missed her dearly and that you love her very much. Once you set something up to meet with her, ask her what her favorite food is, take her to an age appropriate movie, go bowling. Try do activities that you think she might enjoy but also allow you the time to talk with her and get to know her better. Also it’s ok to be nervous and to even be honest with your feelings with her (as long as they are about you and her and not how upset you are about your ex/her mother) It’s about your relationship with her not about bashing her mom. Just focus on getting to know her better and enjoying your time with her 🙂

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

My husband and I have been together 10 years. We have 3 children. We have a very healthy and satisfying sex life. About a year ago I discovered a porn video case under a dresser and it was about transsexuals. The actual DVD was missing. I confronted my husband very calmly and told him I’d never judge him, but I needed to know the truth. He claimed he found the case behind the water heater. We were currently living in a temporary rental house that had many previous renters and had some other people’s odds and ends in it that had been left behind. I’ve never ever had any reason to think he was attracted to men. My husband has a fraternal twin brother who is in fact gay, and they don’t get along at all. The gay brother is actually my best friend and we go out alot together, but my husband can’t stand it and is vehemently against homosexuality. Anyway, so I chose to trust him and move on. Then today I was using my husband’s phone to look up something on the internet and “gay porn” and “homosexual pictures” showed up in the search box. So I checked the history and found that a number of porn videos about homosexual men, as well as videos about straight sex and some with just women. I was completely shocked. I don’t mind the porn, I’ve known he watches it forever and I’m secure enough in myself to not be bothered by it. But the gay stuff?? I’m just confused. I confronted him again and was very non accusing. I just asked him to please explain what was going on. At first he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about, but when I pressed him further he went berserk and said he clicked on accident although he clearly typed those things in the search box. When I said that he got his phone and threw it against the wall. Then slammed through the house calling me names, saying he can’t believe I’d even ask him that question etc etc. Then he sat on the couch and started watching TV and wouldn’t talk or look at me for the rest of the day.

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Facing our fears is scary and overwhelming, sometimes people find it easier to avoid them all together. I think your husband loves you however it sounds like he is curious or may have interest in men. The thing with this is most people who are in denial beat themselves up or refuse to admit that they prefer the other or both sexes. Maybe he saw some negative feedback for his brother growing up and fears that in him. Generally when we find something in someone else that we find repulsive it’s because we in turn have the capability of being the same way. I think the question you need to ask yourself is are you ok with his denial? And if not then that’s ok, and if so, then you need to be honest and tell him I love you regardless of what you prefer. And leave it at that. Subconsciously he will know that he is doesn’t have to hide from you.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

I am married to a narcissistic, verbally abusive man, who seemed to get way worse after our daughter was born.  He is very controlling, drinks a lot, doesn’t want to work (does but complains about it), and expects me to pick up the slack for everything (like his child support).  He always accuses me of cheating on him.  Nothing I do is ever right, I never do anything good enough, I can’t seem to do enough.  Anyway, I wanted some insight from people who have been through this.  I want to leave, but get sick when I think about my little one year old having to spend time with him.  It scares me!  I know she has to have a relationship with her dad, but I just want her to be safe.  Is it better to stay until she gets older or leave and let her have stability and normalcy with me in a separate household?

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There is no stability and normalcy in the relationship now from what you have described. I would suggest taking care of yourself for the sake of you and for the sake of your daughters well being. Having a child is a blessing but also a responsibility. If he is not up for the task no sense in waiting around for him to figure it out. I agree with you a child does need their father/mother in their lives but sometimes if that person isn’t well or has personal issues then it’s best to remove the child. Children are impressionable and innocent they should be guarded from any negative influences. I would suggest you do what is best for you which will in turn be what is best for the child in this case.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

A topic that has been brought up among many people is if I remarry will and how will it affect my children. As a product of divorce and remarriage from a child’s perspective I can understand the hesitancy. The thing is at the end of the day if you love someone and they want to be with you they will need to learn to accept all of you. If this includes kids and pets then so be it. But on the same token I would suggest you tread lightly when it comes to introducing the kids to this new found love. I can tell you that initally I was upset that my mother had decided to remarry and felt as though she were attempting to replace my exisiting father. Mind you I was 12 years old and your scope of understanding life, marriage, and divorce is a bit skwed. Now as an adult I learned that he is a much better husband for her than my dad was. Sometimes things just don’t work or other things in life take over and we loose sight of marriage. It does happen and there is no one person to blame it’s a work in progress pretty much from the point you say “I do” until the day “death do us part”. But as for the topic of how will it affect my children. In many ways and they will all be different because we all deal differently with change. If my mom were to remarry the same person she is with now today I would be happy very happy for her. But that’s because I’m older and have a better idea of how marriage and life works. Not an all knowing view…but much better than a 12 year old who thought she did know all 😉 I think the best thing you can do is be open and honest with your child. Tell them you love them very much and that so does thier mom/dad. But sometimes people fall out of love but it doesn’t affect the love that they have for the child. And you can further solidify that now they will have even more love by adding a new spouse to the mix. 🙂 Just know that anytime there is an adjustment for anyone regardless of age there will be push back and uncomfort. It’s just human nature. But know that given time and with patience they will come around and learn to appreciate those in thier lives. Will it affect them yes, but the real question is how and that depends on how you and your new spouse decided to approach it 🙂

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

My husband and I have been separated 2 months now and I can’t understand wtf is going on with him. It baffles me that it was and has been so easy for him to leave our marriage and our daughter. He’s been acting differently and saying different things so I can’t make any sense of what is going on through his head. Since he left he’s been running around with his friends hanging out with them all the time and getting drunk (rather than seeing our daughter) and he’s making it seem like he’s not even willing to try and work things out. We have both mutually decided to come up with and sign a separation agreement (with our lawyers) and have both agreed that at this time we don’t want to file for divorce, just a separation agreement so everything with child support and all that is on paper. I’ve asked him if he would consider giving us a chance to work things out instead of just throwing our marriage away like it meant nothing and he keeps saying he will have to think about it. Yesterday was so hard for me because I had offered if he wanted to come over and grill with me and our daughter after the parade in town and he said he didn’t have any plans so he’d think about it and then when he came to see our daughter at the parade he told me he’d be going to his friends house for a bbq. I honestly don’t know if I expected him to come but it hurt that he’s choosing his friends over our daughter even though he’s been doing that since he left. If it were just me and him I would have told him to go f*ck himself and not even bothered trying because of the way he has been acting but it’s not just me and him, it’s me and him and our daughter and I feel like for her sake he should at least try. The reasons we separated in the first place are trivial and are all stupid little things that can be worked out but he just doesn’t seem to give a sh*t. He says and does different things that confuse me, one day he’ll say certain things and act like he wants to get back together and the next day he’s saying different things and acting differently and I don’t know what to do anymore. Why in the world is it so damn easy for him to not even care? To just walk away from his family and not even seem willing to try and work things out? I’ve tried explaining that we should at least try before he just throws our marriage away but he doesn’t seem to want to hear it, but on the other hand he doesn’t want to file for divorce, just separation which gets me even more confused. Our daughter is now 13 months old and I’ve hardly ever asked him for anything. He worked so I could stay home with her so I was always the one doing everything for her. I never once asked him to get up with her (although he couldn’t anyway since I breastfed), I never asked him to change diapers or bathe her or do anything. The only thing I ever asked of him was to watch her to watch her while I showered and to mow the lawn and take the garbage out.

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I think what really needs to be asked here is what exactly do you want? It appears that you wish for him to take the relationship more seriously for the sake of your new child. However, you have no control nor say on how he chooses to decide or not to decide to spend time with her. I would recommend giving him space and focusing more on your childs well being. If he decides to be absent then he will eventually regret this decision. However, it is not your place to help him learn this valuable lesson. In my opinion I do not believe in separation at least in this case. It appears that he has no idea what he wants and maybe was not ready for an 18 year commitment to a new child. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood. I’m not excusing his behaviour however did he show any signs before and during your pregnancy that might reflect his actions today? I would tell him that either he wants to be a part of his child’s life or he doesn’t. And then I would give him the divorce papers. I’m not saying ever keeping your child from their father. This should be available to him at anytime (and if needed with supervision) but it sounds like he was never really present to begin with and you are hoping for a new behaviour that never existed in the first place.

*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com

 

My sister wants to divorce her husband.  They have a daughter who just turned 18.  The daughter has some money in a savings account.  The account is under both my nieces and sisters names because she was a minor when the account was established.  It’s quite a bit of money, my niece saved up her birthday money, babysitting, odd jobs and so on.  My sister is afraid her husband will try to take half of it in the divorce.  She wants to get a non-interest bearing checking account for her daughter. The account will be in her daughters name using her daughters social security number.  My sisters name wont be anywhere on the account.  She wants to transfer all the money into the new account and close the old one before starting the divorce.  My sister also wants me to be on the account as the beneficiary only.  She said by doing this, her soon to be ex, wont be able to touch any of the money.  Since their daughter is now an adult, he can’t touch her funds.  I’m not so sure about that.  Is this true?

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I would advise your niece to take care of this on her own. Since the money is hers there is no need for you nor your sister to be involved in the transferring/beneficiary process. The concern is that if your sister decides to turn this into a big ordeal she will make it appear as though she is trying to hide money from her soon to be ex. When in the end what is right is that it is the daughters money and hers alone. She needs to move it to her own account and claim sole responsibility over her assets.

I am 42, divorced, I have no idea what I am supposed to do next in my life? I feel like I completed some circle in my life, and now I am at the same place I was before.
When I was young, I lived alone in small apartment that I rented, I was dating and had a lot of time to have fun.
Then came  marriage, with family life, kids, house  and mortgage.
Now I am divorced, my kids almost grown up, and very soon will not need me anymore, so I feel like this stage of my life is also over.
Now I again live alone in small apartment that I rent, I am dating, and have a lot of free time to do what I like.
I tried dating women my own age, but I failed to find a lot in common with them, since most of the date they usually talk about their kids, or even how their marriages failed. This made me realize that I don’t want to enter into a life of another family, woman with kids, ex-husband, and what not. Since they are with kids, they also don’t have a lot of free time.
I am now dating 24 y.o,  who I find more in common then,women I dated before her. We met at Indoor climbing group,  and we both like active pass time, like hiking,  doing challenging tracks, thing like that. So I spend a lot of time with her.
I feel lost and without purpose or goal in life. I have no idea, what I supposed to do with my life now, and where is it going from here.  I have no idea where I will be in 1 year on in 5 or in 10.
Have anyone been in similar situation? What is next for me?

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What’s next is up to you to decide. I am sure there are things that you always wanted to try or always wanted to do. Put it this way, if you knew you had one week left on this earth what would you do? Live your life this way. I am not saying spend your life savings or anything crazy but live in the moment of now. You are lucky to have had a marriage and a family at one time, even though it didn’t work out at one time it was exactly what you wanted. Now that you are here it’s time to find yourself again or maybe reinvent yourself. As for dating enjoy it and who knows you might someday find a woman and her kids or she might be solo and will be worth it. In the mean time find what makes you happy and brings purpose into your life. Do you like to travel, give back, a hobby or interest? There is plently to do so seize the opportunity since it’s before you.

Why would wife drag her feet now? Two years ago while having difficulties during our marriage my wife cheated on me with the town loser. She eventually ended up leaving the marriage to pursue a relationship with this man. Over the last two years they have broken up several times. He has proven himself to be unreliable and has even put her and the children in many dangerous situations. Every time he messed up my wife would come to me for help, She would never admit that it was his flaws that were causing their lives to be troubled. Up until about a year ago I was still a dedicated husband. I did everything I could to put our family back together. However, as I was putting my life back together I realized that I no longer have any desire to be with my wife. I deserve far better than her and I have found it with another woman. My wife even begged me to take her back about six months ago. I have improved my finances, have a really nice apartment, enjoy my free time, and I am looking forward to building a future for my son and myself. I recently retained a lawyer and had divorce papers drawn up. I have kept my wife informed of what I was doing and told her it was time for both of us to move forward. The divorce agreement didn’t ask for anything more than what I have now in regards to custody of our son, which is 50/50. My wife understood that I would be giving her papers yesterday and agreed to sign them. However when I presented the papers she became immediately upset and demanded that changes be made before she signed them.  When we both had a chance to calm down we came to a compromise on the changes that she wanted.  I had my lawyer draw up new papers and presented them to my wife over three weeks ago.  She told me last week that she would return them to me but she said that she forgot them.  She was supposed to leave the papers for me at our son’s daycare but when he was picked up there were no papers.  Why would she want to delay the divorce and drag her feet when she wanted out all along.  Is she being childish as a way of controlling me and the situation?

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There could be multiple reasons for her delay, the realization that you will no longer be legally obligated to attend to her drama, that you are officially moving on without her, and/or she is distracted by her own drama and doesn’t want to deal with the reality of life. I will tell you congrats for moving forward with your life. Sometimes people make poor choices and all we can do is love and hope for the best. In this case (and to some degree I understand since you have a child) you enabled her. I would suggest looking into why you put up with all of this for so long.  I would also like to ask why, if your child has been put in harms way in the past by people whom she surrounds herself with, are you allowing her 50/50 visitation. Is there a clause where it needs to be supervised visitation? If not I would ask that your lawyer amend the paperwork again. And if needed set up an appointment with you attorney and her requested presence to sign the paperwork. I do not know what state you are in, however it is my understanding that some states will proceed with a divorce even if they other party refuses to sign paperwork after so much time has passed. I would definitely ask your lawyer about this. I certainly hope for the best for you childs health/safety and your sanity that things continue on the postive necessary path. Best of luck!
*If you have a question or would like to submit a topic please email me at honestgoodadvice@gmail.com